Relationship anxiety

[Ghostsinmyhead]

Hey guys - first time poster here & really struggling these last few days with anxiety. Ive been having daily breakdowns and its really getting to me. My partner has been noticing this & suggested that I talk to someone, so here I am.

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for about 18 months or so, we did distance for a while, and we just recently moved in together. I have suffered with relationship anxiety since the beginning but I was better at hiding it/ it was never this prominent, but now more than ever I find it ruining my days and scared it will ruin my relationship if I don't learn to manage it.

My partner has always been the conversation starter in our relationship... the fact is I feel boring, I feel like I have no contribution to the conversation, I don't feel sassy, exciting, or confident. On top of this, I find myself constantly seeking reassurance from my partner. I feel like I'm constantly wanting to dig deeper with my partner to reveal the truth - they don't like me. They always reassure me, but deep down I have this gut feeling that things won't last and I can't shake the feeling.

I don't openly pester them asking questions like "do you still want me?" but rather I deep deeper in conversations asking "what did you mean by that" etc. My partner admits my moods are my worst attribute, because I tend to pick fights about stupid things. For an example, I noticed a necklace on the bedside table that I gave to them (it was a big symbol of love at the time) and I was offended they weren't wearing it for a brief period of time, so I went quiet and didn't talk. When they prompted me, I brought it up and it started a fight. turns out, they don't remember taking it off and apologised and they still wear it everyday. It seems crazy but that's just one example of how I try to read into tiny details and prove to myself that they don't want me

I don't know what im trying to achieve when I do this, because in the end I'm the one who suffers. I just want to be that exciting, sassy, confident gal I was at the beginning of the relationship - more care free and a person that I believe is loveable.

I have spoken to my partner about my moods & my anxiety and they are supportive but at the end of the day I honestly believe no amount of talking with them will help me or our relationship, I feel I need to turn to others for support.

Are there more of you out there like this? If so, how do you cope and make your days better & brighter?

Thanks for reading

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's good you took his advice and posted. Brave move.

All relationships have expectations, basic ones, pressure mounts when some expectations are not basic ones, they are unnecessary ones and these can hurt a relationship eg the necklace. After all you wouldn't want him to wear it out of obligation?

As you have been much happier at the beginning of the relationship, basic happiness is more than possible to redeem. It could be an easy fix with some confidence building with your full commitment plus help from you BF. Or it could be deep seated and need professional medical therapy. If its the latter then start with your GP and ask for a referral.

Many of us here on BB forums lack confidence as part of our illnesses or upbringing. Each case is unique. But there is some basic teachings that can assist. For example if you had the lifestyle that is full of to much work or lacking hobbies those might not be apparent to you as to remedies.

Please google these- (you only have to read the first post)

Beyondblue topic boredom the closed door to fun

Beyondblue topic the significance of being reasonable

Beyondblue topic 3 things, happy marriage, hobbies and spirit

Beyondblue topic how I eliminated anxiety

I hope that helps. repost anytime.

TonyWK

[Jackson85]

Hi Ghostsinmyhead,

I feel as though I've been in a similar situation, where my constant need for approval, affection, reassurance, and validation just dominated my relationship. I loved deeply and quickly, and felt constantly worried that secretly my girlfriend wasn't as into it as I was. It is such a tough situation because it can drive us to become/behave like someone who isn't really us, and who may actually tend to drive them away!

The way I overcame my anxiety and insecurity in my relationship was by accepting something my mum told me when I was interested in a particularly troublesome girl in high school! She said "when considering what a relationship with someone would be like, don't look at how they treat you; look at how they treat themselves".

Basically when I (and perhaps you too) pestered my partner for constant reassurance of love and devotion, I was trying to silence my own anxiety and paranoia that I wasn't enough. I didn't feel enough, so why would she feel I was enough? How could she be interested in me if I don't even like being me?

The situation really turned around once I realised that my "love tank" as I call it, needed filling, and I expected my girlfriend to fill it. But that tank had a leak, which needed to be mended by me, and me alone. I started to appreciate myself, learn about who I was and what about myself I was proud of (I'm sure if you made a list of positive things about yourself you'd find many more than come to mind immediately!). I gave myself some slack when I wasn't perfect, and compassion when I was down. As soon as I learned to fix my love tank leaks, and start filling it myself, my partner's love just added to it, and it felt full.

We get a lot of pressure to be something we're not, but we need to learn to love what we are. I think sometimes these problems can seem like relationship problems, but really they're individual issues which manifest in, and are amplified by, being in a relationship.

When you feel yourself wanting to ask your partner "do you still want me?", try to turn that question on yourself and ask "why right now do I feel like someone wouldn't want me?" It's not specific to your partner, it's within you. And the great part of that, is that you can overcome it (with your partner's help).

Thanks for sharing your story Ghostsinmyhead, I'll keep an eye on this thread if you'd like to discuss further 🙂

Take care of yourself,

Jackson85

[Ghostsinmyhead]

Hi Jackson85,

Reading that you've had similar feelings and experiences makes me feel a little less alone in all this, I think it was more about flipping my negative thoughts on my relationship to acknowledging that these are individual issues which as you said, manifest within.

When you said "my "love tank" as I call it, needed filling, and I expected my girlfriend to fill it. But that tank had a leak, which needed to be mended by me, and me alone." did you ever have times where you would have 'down days' as I like to call them and still need reassurance? or did you find alternative ways to cope as you slowly managed these thoughts?

I'd love to keep in touch

[Jackson85]

Oh goodness, if I knew how to avoid "down days" I'd be sharing that solution with everyone. I must say, even when I'm feeling the happiest, every now and then, maybe a day a week or so, I just feel sad, or dim, or flat. There is seemingly no reason for it, and no real solution, other than to just try to wait it out (normally a few hours, sometimes a day or so), and just be compassionate with myself, and let myself feel that way.

The thing is, if you are able to communicate with your partner that when you feel this way, it's not because they're not giving you what you need, but rather a feeling of emptiness inside you, then it pulls the blame and responsibility off them, and so when you're feeling down, they're not thinking "oh what? I thought I gave them heaps of love, how are they still down? This is getting tiring!", but instead they're thinking "they're trying really hard to grow, and it's not my fault they're down, it's their issue, but I'll help them through it as I can see they're trying", and they may be more sympathetic. There is a line from a poem about marriage (or any relationship) by Khalil Gibran, which reads

"fill each other's cup, but drink not from one cup".

And I feel it means that we need separate cups, and you can always add some of your drink to theirs, and they can add drink to yours, but no matter how much of their cup they drink, they will never drink from your cup. What you are telling your partner is that your cup feels empty, but you don't want to drink from their cup, you just need them to pour a little tea into yours every now and then, when you're feeling down. The goal here is to learn to fill your own cup, which you're already doing since you posted on here to try to get through these issues.

Your partner is likely fine with your cup being empty sometimes, and will fill it provided they have enough to share, but relationships fall apart when we try to drink from their cup.

If your partner is feeling strain from the issue, I can't recommend enough seeing a counsellor. I hope you feel this conversation has filled your cup a little, without taking any from your partners cup; that is what you can get out of a counsellor/psychologist.

As you grow and love yourself, you will fill your cup easily, and the day you realise no one can drink from it is lifechanging.

I'm running out of characters, but would gladly continue discussion with you 🙂

Jackson85

[Socks11]

Hi,

I am going through this at the moment, I have this constant feeling my husband is cheating . We have been together 12 years and have three kids together but I can’t shake these feelings. I feel like im looking for proof constantly . He has been hiding his phone more then usual, and hasn’t come home a few times over the Christmas period .always has answers. Am I imagining, his behaviour, am I over reacting and putting too much pressure on him and me to be perfect??? I feel like if I’m not right then I need help with my anxiety.

I have never been good at relationships , always feeling like I was never good enough or they were always looking for something I couldn’t give. I guess this stems from high school when I was cheated on and I never dealt with it. I think I need to realise that cheating is not a reflection of me but on them. If he was cheating then it’s a reflection of his character . He isn’t a great communicator just gets really cranky and won’t talk it out. Ends up screaming and leaving. He says my anxiety is making him miserable .

Sorry to ramble. I just had to get it off my chest .

So what strategies do u use when u feel your anxiety of your relationship is peaking?? Can I overcome this ??

[Jackson85]

Hi Socks11,

Firstly, you absolultely can overcome this! These feelings are really common in committed relationships, and lots of people find their way through it, so there is nothing unsolvable here 🙂

Of course I can't help with figuring out what is actually going on with your husband; whether he is out doing what you mention or not, that's not my place to chime in with thoughts. However, what I can help with, is how to manage the anxiety of it all.

Something you mention, which I think is key, is that you never feel like you're good enough, or that they are always looking for something you couldn't give. Now to me, regardless of your husband's behaviour, that seems like an issue which could use some work, in order to just improve your happiness and start feeling more comfortable in your own skin. If that's something you'd like to chat about more, we can do that in this forum, otherwise if you have the opportunity, psychologists and counsellors can offer great ways of uncovering all the mess, and figuring out that underneath you absolutely are good enough.

I would say that if someone cheats or does something outside the general unspoken agreement of a committed, exclusive relationship, there is no possible way it can be the fault of the other partner (you). There are many other ways to deal with relationship problems, even ending the partnership, which are healthier than cheating or any other kind of betrayal. So what happened in high school is NOT because you weren't good enough, it's because he was dumb kid who didn't know how to respect his agreement with you, as he could have just been honest and ended it, then gone off and done what he'd wished.

But back to it. I would really recommend finding an outlet (like this) to help with your anxiety that isn't your husband. If this topic is a strain on your relationship, then whether he's being faithful or not, the stress won't help your communication at the moment. So just find a way to talk about it, either here on this thread (I'll keep an eye on it if you want to chat), or to a friend, or (ideally) a psychologist. I know there are forums on here specifically aimed at anxiety, and there may well be ones on relationship struggles (as often they are a struggle!).

But I would say you are doing amazingly. Having three kids, with the stress and strain of it all, and managing the courage to share on this forum, you definitely shouldn't underestimate your ability!

Happy to chat more if you wish,

Jackson85

[Socks11]

Thanks for the reply,

i feel like, my anxiety is being used against me, he uses it to shut down my feelings and ignore what I’m saying. I can feel the changes in our relationship and I keep trying to bring them up to resolve them but it’s not helping if anything it’s making it worse .

Tonight I did it again, I pushed till he left but I don’t really do much I just asked for him to talk to me and discuss our problems. The problem is I woke him up in one of my states and he left 😔. I wrote down what I wanted and how I was feeling and read it to him and then he just left. I’m so confused and I feel abandoned and alone. I don’t know how to move forward for me and if our relationship is fixable ??

I wrote a list of things we could do to save it ,

1- marriage counselling

2- date nights once a week leave our phones at home and do something together

3-communicate better, find a way to both be clearer with what we want and need .

4- learn to listen , this is for both of us !

5- work at our relationship , not give up we have something worth fighting for.

6- we have do deal with the issues. He can’t leave, or shut me out we have to find away to find solutions .

7- this isn’t going to fix itself in a few days we need to give it time

what’s your thoughts?? I know he needs to be a willing participant . I’m praying he is.

I don’t know how I’d handle a break up with the kids and not being with them all the time. I’m lonely now, without my family I’d be lost. I need help

[Jackson85]

Hi Socks11,

I think they all sound like great options, and it's awesome that you've thought to write them all out and figure out how best to move forward. You sound dedicated, and I really admire that.

It sounds as though your situation is so stressful (for both you and your husband), that the way these things are brought up can really influence how effective they are. You are tired and lonely, he's tired and defensive, and probably lonely, and the idea of fixing our own behaviour is so unappealing because we're just trying to get by and make today work.

So my advice is to open discussions would be to open them as if you are worried about HIS wellbeing and feelings, not about the relationship, and not about yourself. When someone seems genuinely concerned for us, then even in super stressed-out angry moods, we can soften a little. So much of relationship tension is directed at each other; this is YOUR fault, when YOU do this it makes me feel upset, YOU can't just leave when you want. It can be helpful to open the discussion with, "I'M worried about how you are feeling, with the kids and work, you must be absolutely exhausted; are you doing ok? Talk to me, I want to be here for you."

Now I know that idea sounds tough considering he's been a bit unresponsive to these chats, and you feel like it's you who deserves the helpful ear (which may well be true), but when trying to communicate honestly with someone who doesn't want to communicate, it may be because they feel they're being attacked or examined, and as soon as they feel that way, we've lost our chance to talk openly.

Have a think about that, and whether you'd be happy to approach the situation in a way that prioritises him, just to get the conversation going.

I know you are the one needing the love at the moment, and I'm ABSOLUTELY not taking his or anyone else's side, I just think this may be the most effective way of improving communication to start with. People listen when they think they're the one to benefit from the talk.

Hang in there and feel free to keep this chat going,

Jackson85

[Blue2019]

Hi Ghostsinmyhead,

It's crazy how similar our stories are. Thank you for posting as I have really been struggling too. I am going through relationship anxiety as well and feeling like I need that reassurance more and more.. a lot of what you said sounds exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I have been in a new relationship for 4 months and I am feeling that I doubt that he still loves me and no amount of conversation can reassure me. He has told me how much he loves me and makes plans for trips and we talk everyday... But I still find it hard to believe that everything's ok and I can just relax! When I am feeling really down about it, I try to tell myself that everything's ok and not to worry (I know, easier said then done), but I try to make that voice over power the other voice in my head that doubts everything and eventually I start to feel a bit better.
I also love would you said - Jackson85 about loving yourself and not relying on your partner to make you feel better all the time. This really helped me and brought me back to my centred self for a moment.

I hope you have started to feel better.

Take care.

Blue2019