Relationship anxiety... reality or imaginary???

[Its_an_emma_thing]

Hi all, I literally felt like I needed to leave work this morning until I found this website. I would really appreciate any help / advice from anyone who can relate.. I feel I can now say I am a queen of over analyzing and overthinking. Reverse back 2 years ago, I moved to Sydney and moved into an apartment with a friend of friends (male) and we initially hit it off..during the first 6 months of living together we grew to be best friends, socializing and doing lots together. Feelings did develop after about 8 months of friendship and we did start a "secret fling". This was exciting and I was so happy. We pretty much still acted as we had always done as friends except we were in the beginning stages of a relationship. After about 5 months (a confusing time for us both) we finally made our relationship official and have been together since (6 months officially). Lately we have been arguing a lot, primarily caused by my own insecurity and trust issues. My boyfriend is my best friend, I love him to bits and the more I fear loosing him the more I seem to push him away!? There is no reasoning to this behaviour, and I cant shake off the incredibly negative thoughts that seem to consume me. I constantly think he is going to cheat /fall out of love for me /etc..(even though he always reassures me and is very good to me, even in my most needy & vulnerable stages) I literally wake at night now just to hear that horrible voice in my head play out another negative and fearful scenario.. I have started to experience horrible nightmares about my relationship fears also. I'm so panicked that I keep thinking of leaving him but the thought of us not being together makes me sick with upset. I find myself crying at any stage throughout any day and at this stage I'm finding it hard to differentiate between reality and what my mind is fabricating.. He is semi aware of my anxiety but I find it so difficult to fully communicate properly to him when I barely understand what is happening to me myself.. Only last month he expressed a few snippets of where he would like to see 'our' future together going and this nearly made me burst with joy & happiness, as I felt "YES, we are on the same page" and since then I feel like I am destroying us.why?? even now I'm fearing it's too late and he's probably trying to think of a way to get out of our relationship...Should I make an appointment with a GP ? I feel so confused and so alone but I so badly want & need to feel like 'me' again!!

[PamelaR]

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums Emma

It's great to see you've discovered our community. Triggers and anxiety are the pits at time aren't they? I know what you mean about trust issues, those voices of negativity in the head, the pushing away of someone you really care about. I've done all those things.

So, you're not alone out there with those feelings. There are many of us who experience similar things. I think you're spot on with wanting to go to the doctor. That is well thought out and a great first step to help with your anxiety. Have you also thought about discussing going onto a mental health care plan with your doctor when you do that?

Going onto a plan means you can - get 10 bulk billed visits to a psychologist. This will help you start to work out how to build trust in relationships. What do you think of that as an idea?

Also, have you explored our forums at all? There is a thread - Tips for Managing Anxiety that's pinned at the top of the Anxiety forum. Just suggesting this as a way to manage your anxiety when it rears it's head. Think about doing keyword searches too, and feel free to join in discussions that relate to your circumstances.

Your relationship sounds awesome. But I know what you mean about sabotaging it. I have done that myself. Though I was determined to make my marriage to my best friend work. And it has for 36 years or more. He's my best friend and will always be so. It took a lot of work by both of us to make it work! It has and continues to do so.

Keep reaching out to us Emma, if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR