Relapse to disordered eating

[_Nik_]

Hey, I've been going through a lot lately. When I say 'a lot' I mean a lot of change. Last year I was a mess, everything seemed to be going wrong. And I admit that for the first term of school, things weren't any better, and in some cases they were worse. But one day I was texting my closet friend (cornflakes) about being extremely hungry and wishing I could eat. He encouraged me to eat something, after all I admitted to him that I was hungry. We argued a bit, and the night ended with me eating a small thing in order to 'prove him wrong'.

Before this I had tried many times to eat properly, but I'd never last long. This is my longest time that I've managed.

But, things are getting really hard right now. Every time I want to eat, it's a battle with my mind. Pros and cons are all I think about. Am I eating too much? Should I be eating? Am I sick enough. Everyday is tiring. But I had an anxiety attack yesterday, and today feels just the same. Like I am going to relapse. Like all of this is for nothing. Like I am not worth enough to eat.

How do I get this stupid voice to shut up? I want to be normal again so bad. But it's really hard. I don't know what to do.

- Nik

[_Nik_]

Hey,

She saw me today actually. She is working on finding a specialist for me to see as well as her.

I guess after my dad kinda called me fat (it was a joke), I felt really self consious. Before then, i never really noticed about it.

It gets really hard . I ate a lot of walnuts today (but I heard there were benefits for eating walnuts). I'm just holding onto the fact that walnuts are a lot healthier than a lot of other things.

- Nik

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ~Nik~,

Ah that's great to hear.

Oh I'm sorry; it's good that you recognised that and I hope that it can help - because it says to me before that time you was kind of okay with your body so you can get back to that stage again.

Walnuts are great. I'm glad that you're eating today.

I don't know if you've seen this one before but it's from the Australian Guide to Healthy Eating. I just wanted to show you this one since it shows stuff from all food groups is healthy too - https://www.eatforhealth.gov.au/guidelines/australian-guide-healthy-eating  Maybe your psychologist can hook you up with a dietician to get some extra support and reassurance

rt

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Thank you so much for the website. I had a look at it.

But... I've relapsed again. Haven't eaten breakfast in two days, and I'm trying not to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel really self conscious. I want to make a change, a really do, but I'm scared.

I was ok with my body beforehand, because I was extremely skinny beforehand. I'm not anymore, and that scares me.

- Nik

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey ~Nik~,

That's no worries at all and thank you for sharing that.

I am a little worried too - food is kind of important!

I know that you have a big fear of gaining weight which is probably hard to shake right now - but I think it's important to know that even if there was someone who was generally overweight or obese and did need to lose weight, they would still need to eat. Healthy weight loss, or even preventing weight gain - there still needs to be a balance of different food groups. Without it, our body goes into starvation mode.

I'm hesitant to share all this because I don't want to scare you or be all confronting, but more so let you know that not eating won't actually help you achieve those goals.

Would you be open to talking with The Butterfly Foundation? I mentioned them before but this way they also have a live chat and probably be nicer and more helpful than me haha

rt

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Don't worry it isn't scaring me.

If I talked to the butterfly foundation, would it be anonymous?

- Nik

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ~Nik~,

Yes- I'm guessing you're thinking about the live chat?

https://www.thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/our-services/helpline/chat-online/

On the page it has lots of details like name, email, phone but if you look just above that it says 'Would you like to remain anonymous?' and you can tick that button.

Hope this helps; feel free to come back anytime and hopefully it's helpful

rt

[_Nik_]

Hey,

I've been talking to my friend cornflakes and it we came across the discussion of me seeing a doctor.

He has mentioned this many times before and I've always denied the need. But this time I decided that he was probably right.

Even though we have talked, I've come across the problem of how to see a doctor.

I have anxiety. I struggle to talk to my parents. I can't talk to them to get them to take me to a doctor. If I get cornflakes to call my mum, I will most likely get the repercussions of that and my parents will likely get mad at me.

I don't know what to do. How do I get the help I need?

- Nik

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ~Nik~,

It's good to hear from you again; can I ask how you went on with The Butterfly Foundation? Were they helpful?

It's a great idea that you're seeing a doctor - honestly when I read it I was kind of surprised your psychologist didn't suggest it.

What is it about your parents that makes them not want to book you in?

Given that you are seeing a psychologist, how did you get your parents to book you in or get you some support there?

rt

[_Nik_]

Hey,

Umm about the butterfly foundation... I kinda chickened out, cause they asked for my postcode. I didn't want to give it, because I didn't know what they were going to do with it. And besides, I was already too scared to chat online. Guess it's not really for me.

I honestly don't know why my psychologist didn't suggest it. I guess, at the moment she's really focused on my recent diagnosis of autism, and been trying to enroll me in a peers group. She's only one person, and we only have an hour to talk every two weeks, so she has to make something the priority, otherwise the sessions would go nowhere. I don't blame her.

The thing about my parents is, well... they don't know about my eating problems. They knew about it when it first happened, but they tried to force me to eat, and it only made me hide things from them even more. I became sneaky and they didn't know how bad things got, and they still don't know how much I struggle. I say things nowadays like "I don't know whether to eat anything more, I've already eaten a lot" and they just laugh at me and say I shouldn't worry. Its like they push off what I'm trying to say as being 'ridiculous'. I'm just scared of their response, which is why I refuse to speak to them.

I started seeing a psychologist last year when things started going downhill and cornflakes called my mum to tell her about it. Things were really bad back then, so my mum decided to find my a psychologist.

It's not that they don't want me to see a doctor, it's just that they don't know that I need to see one, and I am to scared to bring it up.

- Nik

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Nik,

Hmm, couple of thoughts here so I'll go by them one by one.

With The Butterfly Foundation - the postcode is purely stats - that way at the end of the year they can tally things up like 'x amount of people in nsw, x amount of people in tas' and 'x amount of people in rural areas, x amount of people in the city'. I can explain that more if you want me to but that's really all they ask about your personal details if you've clicked anonymous. I've had a chat with them before so that's why I recommended them. and as for chatting online, well - you are kind of doing that already with me anyway 🙂

I really feel like from your posts that all the eating stuff really should be the priority. I don't know what it's like for you with your autism, but big picture stuff - eating is more important!

I'm sorry that your parents have been giving you those comments, it doesn't really sound like they understand what it's been like and so I get that you haven't really opened up to them. It makes sense to me, even though I bet it would be helpful to get some support from them.

You said cornflakes rang your mum and that's how you got to see a psychologist - was your mum mad then? If that's the worst case scenario, well you did manage to get through and cope with that, so I think you can cope with this one too.

rt