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Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey, I've been going through a lot lately. When I say 'a lot' I mean a lot of change. Last year I was a mess, everything seemed to be going wrong. And I admit that for the first term of school, things weren't any better, and in some cases they were worse. But one day I was texting my closet friend (cornflakes) about being extremely hungry and wishing I could eat. He encouraged me to eat something, after all I admitted to him that I was hungry. We argued a bit, and the night ended with me eating a small thing in order to 'prove him wrong'.

Before this I had tried many times to eat properly, but I'd never last long. This is my longest time that I've managed.

But, things are getting really hard right now. Every time I want to eat, it's a battle with my mind. Pros and cons are all I think about. Am I eating too much? Should I be eating? Am I sick enough. Everyday is tiring. But I had an anxiety attack yesterday, and today feels just the same. Like I am going to relapse. Like all of this is for nothing. Like I am not worth enough to eat.

How do I get this stupid voice to shut up? I want to be normal again so bad. But it's really hard. I don't know what to do.

- Nik

31 Replies 31

Hey,

Just had a video call with my pediatrician.

I am really stressing out. I feel like none of the professionals in my life understand what's going on, and that I am never going to receive the help I need.

I'm going to be stuck in this stupid disordered eating my whole life, now. I'm never going to receive help.

- Nik

violetsky_meteora
Community Member

Hey Nik,

 

I have an eating disorder too, and I totally understand that vicious cycle of thoughts that plague me whenever I have to eat. It's a constant battle of should I eat, shouldn't I eat, am I gonna get fat if I do, will I die if I don't, why is this happening to me, what's wrong with me? I gotta say, I still haven't come up with a fool proof solution, but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and that I feel you as well.

 

Something that I think has helped me a bit is thinking about all the amazing things my body can do, like walk, and write, and hug people, and hold hands with loved ones etc., and that it doesn't what I look like, because I can still do those thing. Another thing is viewing myself as my loved ones view me, instead of the negative self critical way I view myself. They love you for a reason, and it might help to focus on the good self empowerment.

 

Even if those don't end up helping you, I'd like you to know you aren't alone and everything you mentioned is a reality for myself and so many others. And even if I haven't really helped you, you definitely helped me, just hearing your story and the strength you had to share it, as well as knowing that someone else understands.

Thanks, and have a great night!! Sending everyone love, happiness and strength ❤️