Relapse to disordered eating

_Nik_ · ‎26-04-2020

Hey, I've been going through a lot lately. When I say 'a lot' I mean a lot of change. Last year I was a mess, everything seemed to be going wrong. And I admit that for the first term of school, things weren't any better, and in some cases they were worse. But one day I was texting my closet friend (cornflakes) about being extremely hungry and wishing I could eat. He encouraged me to eat something, after all I admitted to him that I was hungry. We argued a bit, and the night ended with me eating a small thing in order to 'prove him wrong'.

Before this I had tried many times to eat properly, but I'd never last long. This is my longest time that I've managed.

But, things are getting really hard right now. Every time I want to eat, it's a battle with my mind. Pros and cons are all I think about. Am I eating too much? Should I be eating? Am I sick enough. Everyday is tiring. But I had an anxiety attack yesterday, and today feels just the same. Like I am going to relapse. Like all of this is for nothing. Like I am not worth enough to eat.

How do I get this stupid voice to shut up? I want to be normal again so bad. But it's really hard. I don't know what to do.

- Nik

_Nik_ · ‎05-05-2020

Hey,

Oh, I'm so stupid. I didn't realise it was for statistics. I feel more comfortable about the web chat now. Thanks for that.

I don't believe my psychologist understands a lot about what's going on. I mean, she tries to help, but when she heard about my eating problems she immediately told me she had no experience in dealing with it, and she would seek out a specialist who specialists in these things. I would think that eating is more important, but if she doesn't know how to help, then maybe its best if she focuses on the things she can. I don't really know what's going on with my eating stuff... I feel confused. I wanted help from her, but I don't know what exactly she is trying to do to get me help.

And, even though I've mentioned to cornflakes that she was working on finding me someone, he keeps saying I need to see a doctor.

Right now, I am so confused. I just want help and with multiple people 'yelling' (I say that, but they aren't yelling, it just seems forceful) different suggestions, I just feel overwhelmed and confused. All i really want is help. Which is why I came back onto my forum, so i could talk to you and maybe clear some things up.

When cornflakes rang my mum she gets upset that I don't talk to them (I mean, they aren't very appraoachable, so it's not really my fault that I don't want to speak to them) and they kind of get mad at me. They've often told me off for talking to cornflakes, I don't ever want to lose him, so I'm afraid for him to talk to my mum, as I usually get the lecture of 'stop talking about those things to your friends. Stop burdening them'. Which is why I don't want him to talk to them.

I don't want cornflakes to speak to my parents and I don't want to speak to my parents. I guess, with the way things are, I don't really deserve this help.

- NIk

romantic_thi3f · ‎05-05-2020

Hi Nik,

With your psychologist, I think it's good that she told you she doesn't know much about eating disorders (rather than just pretending she does) but I don't personally think it's helpful to keep working on you with your autism instead - I don't know the full picture but in my mind I'm thinking one issue at a time? Maybe next time you see her you can ask about the referral she made and how long that's going to take to get in with the next one.

Honestly, I think a doctor is a good idea, and I think a psychologist is a good idea - and sometimes even a dietician (just to throw a spanner in the works!). With ED's, often there's a few people who work together as a team with you to provide the best care. The psychologist can be the one that gives you the support and therapy, and the GP can be the one who helps you physically (like with malnutrition) and then the dietician can help with finding ways to eat and things to eat. They all have their own place and they can all help.

I wonder if seeing a GP on your own could be an option? Perhaps you could get some public transport ? I'm not sure how old you are but heres some more info - https://headspace.org.au/young-people/what-is-a-gp-and-what-to-expect/ The page also has the privacy/confidentality stuff down the bottom of your page so you know what they have to and don't have to tell your parents.

You do deserve help. I can promise you that. I know that it's hard right now and you have so many hoops, but keep going.

rt

_Nik_ · ‎05-05-2020

Hey,

Asking my psychologist about the specialist is probably a good idea. Perhaps I'll bring that up.

As for seeing a doctor on my own, I'm afraid thats not an option, since I'm really not allowed to leave my house. Strict parents I guess. Oh well...

I get what you mean with the different people I might need to see. If you say a GP is there to help with the malnutrition, then perhaps I don't need to see one, seeing as I'm not malnurished anymore.

- Nik (excuse my spelling. Apologies)

romantic_thi3f · ‎05-05-2020

Hey Nik,

That sounds great.

Maybe this is something you can ask your psychologist too for her advice; she may have some suggestions. Not being allowed to leave your house sounds rough!

Sorry can you explain that last bit about not being malnourished anymore?

rt

_Nik_ · ‎05-05-2020

Hey,

I mean, I can leave my house for excersize but besidrs that I have to have planned it with my parents beforehand and it rarely happens.

What I meant about the malnutrition part is that I've been trying to eat for about a month (hence the title being 'relpase')... So I'm not malnurished anymore since I'm back to my normal weight. I mean, yes I skip a meal everyday, but my weight is fine.

-Nik

romantic_thi3f · ‎06-05-2020

Hi Nik,

Yeah that does sound really tough- thinking about all the things that your parents might be stopping you from doing. I'm really glad you have a friend like cornflakes in your life.

Oh, maybe malnutrition was a bad choice of word on my part. People can be overweight and be malnourished - it's not about looks or numbers on scales but about having a balanced diet. So when anyone misses a meal or two - or doesn't eat quite as much as their body needs - that might impact things like blood pressure or cholesterol or iron or any of that stuff.

I just wanted to share that with you so you kinda knew how everyone can play a role together. The more people you have on your side the better - and it looks as though your psychologist is working on someone and you have cornflakes too.

rt

_Nik_ · ‎06-05-2020

Hey,

So what do you suggest I do in order to see a doctor or someone to help me with this problem, because I am sick and tired of living like this.

- Nik

Aaronsis · ‎06-05-2020

Hi Nik

It is great to chat to you again and I have been reading your post with RT and they have given you some really wonderful and heartfelt advice and words of comfort.

I just wanted to say hello and let you know that we all care about you so much. I think it is a great idea to see a doctor and to get some professional help with how you are feeling and your eating routine. You can put a call in to your GP yourself, you can express to the doctor about your concerns with your parents finding out about how you are feeling and what you are worried about. Can I ask though, what would be the worst thing that would happen if you asked your parents to make an appointment for you? What would be the worst thing that would happen if they knew how much you are suffering?

I am so glad that Cornflakes has been by your side and he too agrees it is time to get some medical help.

It is really nice to chat to you again and I hope we can get you to some help Nik.

Hugs

Sarah

_Nik_ · ‎06-05-2020

Hello again!

Hmm... The worse thing about asking my parents to make an appointment is the fear that they won't let me go unless they know why. My dad wants to know absolutely everything, and I'm not comfortable telling him everything, so I'm scared that if I talk to them, then they will deny my need for the visit, as they don't know what's going on.

The worse thing that could happen if they knew is that they would treat me differently and watch me and I would never be able to live my life normally.

Hope this helps.

- Nik

romantic_thi3f · ‎07-05-2020

Hi ~Nik~ and a wave to Sarah!

This is really tricky - I'm not sure what I could offer with suggestions that could make it happen.

While it's not ideal, there is of course Cornflakes - with Cornflakes' help, you were able to see a psychologist even though your parents weren't totally on board with that. It does seem to be the lesser of two evils, rather than just not doing anything at all.

This is also worth asking your psychologist about, or even The Butterfly Foundation if you decide to talk to them again.

rt