Relapse of anxiety after three years-feeling very unwell

[luciban]

Hello I have not posted for about 3 years as I have been feeling so good and have not had any "major" flare ups of my anxiety. The last three days have been pretty hellish. Both my sons haved lived together in Melbourne and I am in Northern Victoria. My youngest son suffers from social anxiety and depression. He has been up and down trying different medications for the last 12 months. It has been reassuring to know that our eldest son, even though he works and has a full life has been around to keep "an eye" on our youngest. They are very good mates and close. Our eldest has just moved to Sydney over the weekend and our younger son is in the apartment on his own with most of the furniture gone. I am so concerned that he is on his own and has had to adjust to his brother not being around as well as trying to cope with his symptoms. He has a couple of friends that live on the other side of the city and has been seeing a counsellor. The counselling has finished but he still catches up with her at a support group once a fortnight. I think this has definately set off a flare up of my anxiety. The feeling/symptoms are exactly the same as I experienced 3 years ago-waking up extremely anxious in the am, restless, not wanting to be alone, not able to eat, not wanting to be inside, running to the toilet constantly, crying a lot! I have been on a medication over the last 3 years which has certainly kept me well but it does not seem to be working at the moment as I have had a recurrence of symptoms. I am normally a very high functioning person with a highly stressful job in health care which I love and cope with very well. I hate getting up in the morning and feeling like this. I am worried it will last a long time again as I didn't feel better for about two months after the last episode. I have rang the chat line which helped enormously just to have someone to talk to even though I was crying a lot of the time. Is there anyone out there who has been through a similar experience and can give me some hope? I need to stay well for my son. Thank you

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[luciban]

Thankyou for your reply Lost4eva. It was interesting to read that you "fuss" a lot when going to or when seeing her. I tend to do the same and try not to be too annoying! It is hard though especially when you are so concerned about them. My son tends to go quiet and I know I have overstepped the line! He does know that I have anxiety but doesn't know that I have had a relapse last week. My husband told him I was a bit sad about our other son leaving. We were concerned that it might make his anxiety worse. My counsellor suggested we could tell him but I can't really expect him to support me when he is having a rough time himself. On a more positive note, the symptoms are starting to settle a bit and I actually had breakfast today, the first time in a few days. My Dr did suggest a short term medication only if I need it until the whole thing settles. Your daughter sounds like she is managing extremely well, you should be so proud ofher. My on assures me he will let us know if he is struggling too much. He sometimes says he doesnt want to worry me but I would rather he did! He is really trying to manage his life down in the city on his own and has done really well at uni even with his struggles. He is a lovely, sensitive and caring young man. We are going fown tomorrow for another reason if i am feeling ok but plan to have lunch with him. Thank you again for your kind listening ear.

[blondguy]

Hi Luciban

I have just picked up on your thread and thankyou for having the courage to post with us! Im Paul and have been on the forums for a couple of years after my depression spiked after being made redundant from a senior corporate role

There are so many posts of heartfelt support above I will keep my post brief. I understand your pain where anxiety is concerned. I used to have chronic anxiety for a long time and its an awful place to be in....even low level anxiety can be just as restricting

You are fortunate to have such a supportive husband. You are doing everything you possibly can with your son. My daughter is in the same situation and even though she is an adult in her 20's my input is limited as she has to find her own way through the 'busy' world we live in.

you are amazing luciban

Its wonderful to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[luciban]

Hi Paul and thank you for your kind words. It is such a relief to know others have gone through a similar thing. It is difficult not to have some level of anxiety about my son as he lives in the city about 2 1/2 hours away which doesn't seem far, but when they are not well you wish they were closer. Even though of course you want them to be as independent as possible and live their own life. He has many challenges now that his brother left town, such as paying the bills, rent and with anxiety at a fairly high level at times, he may have to live with someone he has never met before. They are trying to get a new flatmate. I try to think on the positive side and say that it may increase his confidence and if he wants to live in the city as long as possible, he has to be able to do all this himself. I am very proud of him as he is trying to manage his anxiety and sees a counsellor, is going to a support group and trying to adjust to a new medication. I just hope that he meets some more people that can support him and that he is comfortable with. Thank you again for your words of encouragement.

Luciban

[luciban]

Hello Lost4eva, just wanted to talk/post about seeing my son on the weekend. He was ok but pretty quiet. I don't mean to go on and on about this but it helps just to get my thoughts out there. I know he is finding it difficult because he said he was seeing his counsellor again. It is hard to deal with the fact he is probably missing his brother but is also anxious as well. I know he has to deal with this himself and he is taking responsibility by going to his counsellor, but I have such sad feelings for him. I wish I could be one of those Mum's that says something like"he'll have to deal with it on his own." Do you have those sad feelings sometimes as well. I would be interested in your thoughts.

[Croix]

Dear Luciban~

I've been away and only just caught up, one thing that really stood out for me is the difference between you and your mother. Imagine the effect on your son if you were more like your mother and did not provide a reliable back-stop to his life. Knowing at the back of one's mind there is a 'security net' can make a world of difference, even if it is never needed.

If at times you might seem a little over-anxious to your son it is a small price to pay in the overall scheme of things. As for not wanting you to worry, I'm sure you would agree that is all part of a two-way relationship. One of the nice things my adult son has done is to actually stop me having to worry by quietly getting on with things. A double benefit for me.

Your son sounds as if he is taking charge of his anxiety, even if it is not completely reduced.

I'm very pleased to hear exercise helps, I find it make a big difference even if my actions are limited. Smiling Mind is a good set of brakes, the stage after is to have a strategy for when the exercise finishes so you don't loose the benefit - any ideas?

Croix

[luciban]

Hello Croix, your words about your son were very reassuring. My son is definitely taking charge of his anxiety and I am so proud of him for that. It has not been an easy few years for him and I am trying to see the positive in the situation by thinking it may make him more independent and resilient in the future.

My mother has not contacted me at all this week as I said in the previous post. She will say something like "we have been really busy" but her and her husband are retired. If it was me I would be on the phone to my son to see how he is. He does have a good "safety net" in me! It is almost uncaring of her which is disappointing as I have always been there for her.

You are right to suggest a strategy for when the exercise finishes. I think having someone to talk to would help to get me over the "rough patch" in the mornings. I am grateful for this forum, it helps me to write everything down even if I repeat things and keep going over the same things. I have found that being outside helps and I have been doing a lot of gardening the last couple of days. I have a work friend who is very supportive regarding work but she doesn't know I have anxiety. I'm not sure if I would want to tell her as we generally only see each other at work and debrief re work things. She has suggested we have coffee once. I think you have to commit to exercise everyday to feel the benefit, even if it is just a 30 minute walk. I have looked for a support group in our area, but there are none. I would appreciate your feedback on this list and I thank you again for your support. It helps enormously.

[Croix]

Dear Luciban~

You do sound more positive about your son, which is pretty good, less stress for you and probably less pressure on him as a result. I've always found it hard to judge my offspring's' mental state, I guess I rely upon my partner therefor a bit of perspective.

I'm sorry about your mother, an unequal relationship. Sure she has her partner to occupy her, but normally that just expands activity, not cuts it back. Some people do not really realize the effect of what they are doing. You sound as if yo uhave learned from her mistakes -as I have with mine.

With your friend I think all of us with anxiety, depression or other similar problem feel a desire to be open about it and tell friends what is happening. Do you have an idea of what you might like to get out of it if you did disclose your condition? We are all very different, up until recent times I was very close-mouthed about mine. Family knew, doctors knew, and one friend. It was enough at the time.

Support groups can be a real help. Have oyu asked our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) if there is anything in your area? (Apologies if you have already thought of this)

Exercise has it's own magic, I'm very limited but even for me it can make a world of difference. And while I'm not a gardener I very much appreciate the wilder elements, trees, shrubs, birds and other animals. Broadens my horizons when my mind is trying to huddle down to a ball of worry.

I'm afraid I got lost when you asked about feedback on a list - can you explain a bit more?

Croix

[luciban]

Good morning Croix, thanks for your reply. Your thoughts are very welcome. My list of suggestions were the things you can do after the exercise has finished such as writing your thoughts down, looking for a support group etc. I will contact the 24/7 line to see if there are any in the area.

I am still not sure I want to disclose my condition to my work friend, as we are able to enjoy a lot of laughter about a lot of different topics and I think it would change it..maybe she doesn't want to have that "serious" stuff to listen to? She does know I am having major stress at work and is very helpful and supportive in that area. In relation to work, I have had a week off work ordered by my Doctor and am due to go back the end of this week. I am quite apprehensive as I have a lot of responsibility in my job and I am finding my thoughts have been quite scattered and I am still waking up anxious. My husband thinks it will be good for me to get back and will take my mind off the anxiety. I think I ? probably will be ok as I have to be very focussed on what I do.

I have another work colleague who I know has anxiety and has flare ups, she mentioned it in casual conversation. I would love to talk to her but I don't know if she would want to disclose anymore than this to me. As I stated in the previous post, I would love support from my mother as she knows me better than most people. I have felt disappointed and sad that she has not been concerned about me. I know if I ring her and tell her that she will become irate and state how busy they have been, tell me "you have to help yourself", she will usually turn it on me and say that I have not been there for her and that is not the case.

Can I ask how do you manage to keep your anxiety in check aside from Smiling Mind and exercise, and do you still have major flare ups?

[Croix]

Dear Luciban~

Yes, sadly I have ups and downs, though I'm a whole lot better than I used to be, then again I've been dealing with these conditions for a long time. Panic attacks are rare, unfortunately loss of perspective is more common. Here I tend to rely upon my partner and my own experience to get a balanced view on whatever I'm stressing about.

Exiting from Smiling Mind normally is accompanied by a plan of what I'm going to do, so there is no time for let-down. It does not have to be anything particularly great, washing (laundry) comes to mind, as does ironing, visiting offspring, talking wiht spouse, writing here, umpteen things.

Divulging about one's mental state is a pretty serious business and for many years, as I said, I was very closemouthed. For various reasons that has changed more recently however I would imagine it does not mean you should do it unless you think it will work out well and give you something back for taking the risk. If you both enjoy your current relationship that may be a good enough thing in itself.

With the other workmate who has anxiety here is nothing to stop you showing a level of understanding, that does not automatically mean you are saying you are the same, just empathetic. Perhaps later circumstances may change and then you might reconsider.

I've no idea if returning to work will make you forget your anxiety, you would be a better judge of that. I do know it is easy to expect too much of oneself - something I do - and that simply creates more pressure.

Croix

Your mother sounds a pretty self-centered individual if I might say so. Turning things around (or blaming the messenger) so you are at fault is a trick many employ and often means they don't want to make an effort. Not knowing what to do is not the same thing, there one takes time, talks and asks.

[luciban]

Hello Croix you offer very helpful information and it is enormously helpful to have someone understand. I am due to go back to work today after the recent relapse. I think I will be ok as I find I am feeling almost "normal" in the afternoon. My mother rang last night and left a message saying she would ring back but didn't, I was out at the time. I feel that I will become angry and tell her how I feel whenI talk to her then she will tell her husband how badly I spoke to her, she can be quite manipulative. I will wait until I feel ready to cope with the backlash! You are very inspiring and you must be enormously strong to have dealt with anxiety long term and developed such good strategies to give yourself a good quality of life.