Relapse of anxiety after three years-feeling very unwell

luciban · ‎13-08-2018

Hello I have not posted for about 3 years as I have been feeling so good and have not had any "major" flare ups of my anxiety. The last three days have been pretty hellish. Both my sons haved lived together in Melbourne and I am in Northern Victoria. My youngest son suffers from social anxiety and depression. He has been up and down trying different medications for the last 12 months. It has been reassuring to know that our eldest son, even though he works and has a full life has been around to keep "an eye" on our youngest. They are very good mates and close. Our eldest has just moved to Sydney over the weekend and our younger son is in the apartment on his own with most of the furniture gone. I am so concerned that he is on his own and has had to adjust to his brother not being around as well as trying to cope with his symptoms. He has a couple of friends that live on the other side of the city and has been seeing a counsellor. The counselling has finished but he still catches up with her at a support group once a fortnight. I think this has definately set off a flare up of my anxiety. The feeling/symptoms are exactly the same as I experienced 3 years ago-waking up extremely anxious in the am, restless, not wanting to be alone, not able to eat, not wanting to be inside, running to the toilet constantly, crying a lot! I have been on a medication over the last 3 years which has certainly kept me well but it does not seem to be working at the moment as I have had a recurrence of symptoms. I am normally a very high functioning person with a highly stressful job in health care which I love and cope with very well. I hate getting up in the morning and feeling like this. I am worried it will last a long time again as I didn't feel better for about two months after the last episode. I have rang the chat line which helped enormously just to have someone to talk to even though I was crying a lot of the time. Is there anyone out there who has been through a similar experience and can give me some hope? I need to stay well for my son. Thank you

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luciban · ‎15-08-2018

Hello Lost4Eva I am grateful for your thoughts and it helps to have someone to chat to in the morning. I am struggling today, I don't know why. Can I ask also how you got through those mornings when you felt so bad? I have made a counsellor appointment for next week but then she goes away for a few weeks and I think I will need to see someone or at least have someone to talk to who has an understanding of what I am going through. I will ask her. I spoke to my son last night on the phone and he sounded reasonably upbeat. He had been to uni during the day for a short time but has a lot of time on his own. I think that is what worries me the most. That he is lonely. It breaks my heart. I was emotional after the call and had trouble getting asleep. But here I am today. I will try to keep busy-it is a very rainy day outside so I don't think that is helping my mood. Thank you for listening

Lost4eva · ‎15-08-2018

Dear Luciban,

I get up in the morning, have the toilet issue (!), then go for a really long walk - just like you do! Then I tend to take a long shower and I have this really lovely shampoo, which smells so lovely and it relaxes me. And after the shower, I take time to use my moisturiser (which also smells lovely). Doing these things tends to relax me. I think it is the exercise, then the smells of the shampoo and moisturiser - which have rosemary in the them. Some people use lavender. Do you have a particular smell that relaxes you?

luciban · ‎15-08-2018

I am so teary today and am crying as I read your post. It is such a relief to know there are people who have gone through the same thing. I like the smell of lavender (it reminds me of my Grandmother). When I am feeling better I will get a reed diffuser in this room. Do you mind if I ask how long did your hellish mornings last? When I am so emotional like this I feel like it will never get better?

luciban · ‎15-08-2018

I have rang the Nurse on Call line to get some advice about my medication as my Dr is likely to suggest I increase it but I am worried about the side effects/being unable to function on a high dose. I will not go into that as we are not allowed to on this forum. They were very understanding but I will have to decide what to do with my Dr tomorrow.

luciban · ‎15-08-2018

Thank your Croix for your continued support. Is it OK to keep posting here until I feel better? I am looking outside and the sun is shining now so that has immediately lifted my spirits.

I notice that when I am in "crisis" mode in the morning or fright and flight mode that I can't think straight or make decisions. My biggest fear during that time when I am out walking for a couple of hours is that these horrible mornings won't ever stop. My thoughts are on a constant cycle. I can tell myself something positive to try and counteract the negative,irrational thought and it lasts a few seconds, then they come back. It is like I am trying to get through minute by minute. It takes a long time to get through from 6.30 am to the afternoon when I feel a little better. This second by second thing coping with these thoughts and not being able to control them is when I get more emotional because I am so scared they won't go away. Thank you for the opportunity to express this.

Croix · ‎15-08-2018

Dear Luciban~

The first thing is you are welcome to post here for as long as you like, that is what this place is for. I'm pleased Lost4eva is able to relate and give you useful advice too. You are not alone.

If you are anything like me it gets better, true there are times when pressure from events makes things go down for a while but time plus experience makes a huge difference.

Experience is partly knowing you have been down before and got though to better times and partly on how to deal with things when down. I tend to break up circular anxious thoughts with Smiling Mind, then reinforce the effect afterwards by distracting myself - exercise, books, whatever works for you.

There are two "practice effects". The first is your mind gets practiced at racing full of anxious and catastrophic thoughts and this needs to be counteracted. Thinking things will never get better is an example of such a thought. Fortunately you can get practice at sidestepping them, and this gets better and more effective as you keep trying. To start off with you may not be able to concentrate on Smiling Mind or some other exercise for long, then you get to the stage of doing several minutes, then when the exercise finishes you can do something else and so on.

Please do not get discouraged, it gets better. Lean on those that love you (including your son)

Croix

Lost4eva · ‎15-08-2018

Dear Luciban,

It is wonderful that you are going to your doctor tomorrow and that you are well informed about your medication choices etc. I find that when I take charge of things such as this and understand them, it makes things just that little bit better. Do you find this too?

I'm wondering if you have tried the colouring drawings that you can print off online or buy in book shops? Some of them are really, really lovely and they are so intricate. I spend time thinking of the patterns in those drawings and wondering what they would look like in various colours before I finally deface them with my terrible colouring!! It is something you can do on/off as you feel like it, but I always get a sense of accomplishment afterwards and it does help me.

Croix has suggested the Smiling Mind App and I have used this too. It is very helpful, although hard at first. Please don't be disheartened!! As Croix has said, it gets easier the more you do it.

luciban · ‎16-08-2018

Thank you Croix for your encouraging thoughts. I have had a look at smiling mind and did do one of the meditation exercises which was in the afternoon. It definately relaxed me. The cycling thoughts as you describe I think are the hardest things to budge - I am constantly trying to think something else more positive or focus on my surroundings. This continues for a lot of the day. I try to do something physically strenuous while they are happening like the walking- I have just completed 2 circuits of our local lake and did not cry the whole time! Yesterday I walked for about 2 hours until I felt comfortable enough to go home. I am finding today that I was able to come inside almost straight after the walk and sit down to write this post which is an improvement. I have to see my Dr at 9.45 today which will hopefully give me some insight into why this relapse occured, that is whether there may be something medically going on as I had to have a routine blood test done on Monday. My son may be coming home this weekend so I am feeling a little pressure to keep myself together for him. He is going through an up and down time too adjusting to his new medication. I find when I know he is not settled or well that I become "hypervigilant" and look out for signs he may be getting down or struggling. It is probably good for his sake he is in Melbourne so his mother doesn't annoy him! When he is well I can tell, he whistles as he potters around the house, makes jokes occasionally and seems his normal self. My psychologist said on Tuesday that we seem to have a close bond and I think him and I are the more sensitive ones of the family so maybe that is why. He is also very creative and doing well at uni.

My mother said she would ring me yesterday to see how I was but she didn't. She lives about an hour away on a farm with her 3rd husband. They are very busy on the farm and she is very involved with his family. I once said to her that when she says she is going to ring and doesn't it upsets me as usually it is when I am having a rough day. I don't know why she doesn't, she knows what I am going through. I don't mean to sound self centred but it would be nice to have here support. I will ring her myself today. Thank you again Croix for your wonderful support, I really appreciate it and look forward to your reply.

luciban · ‎16-08-2018

Dear Lost4eva, Thanks for your suggestion regarding the coloring pages. That is a really good idea. I think that doing something that uses your "brain" really helps to distract the constant anxious thoughts in your head. I was just sitting down writing my feelings today in a notebook and noticed how I felt calmer - even if they were anxious thoughts! I saw my Dr today who was very supportive and said she thinks it was a situational flare up of my symptoms due to my son's health concerns, the move interstate of my other son and fairly major stress at work over the last 3 months, along with menopause. I will have a go at writing a WRAP as Croix suggested so I can manage better in the future. I told her how wonderful this forum was and the counsellors support over the phone as well. I tried the long shower after my walk today and it was a really nice feeling after walking for an hour. Can I ask, do you feel anxious when you are actually going to see your daughter? Do you have to "hold it all together" when she is around, that is does she know you have anxiety? I hope you don't mind me asking. Hope you had a good day.

Lost4eva · ‎17-08-2018

Dear Luciban,

My daughter does know that I suffer from anxiety and unfortunately, she also suffers from it too. I say unfortunately, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone… but the positive to us both experiencing it is that we sort of understand what the other is going through and we support one another.

I tend to 'fuss' too much when I am anxious about seeing her. She knows it is because I am worried etc. and she calms me.

So yes - I suppose I try not to fuss, which is me holding it together, but she sees through that pretty easily! Once we've identified that I am a little anxious about her, she reassures me and then normally all is good.

When I go see her we tend to do something - like go for a walk around the park, go for a walk to get coffee - just something so that my 'fussing' is not too bad.

I have to remind myself that my daughter is technically an adult, and just because she has anxiety, doesn't mean that she cannot look after herself, because like me, she has learnt techniques and can usually identify her triggers and when she is down. She also knows when to ask for help. I have to remind myself of these things constantly. When I see her - I tell myself loudly - see how good she is?! She is doing fine!!