Recurrence of sleepless anxiety

[Nickname_A6]

Hi everybody I’ve always had empathy for anyone who suffers from a mental health condition. I’ve been a member of Beyond Blue for a few years but rarely post.

I have been hospitalised in the past for severe depression & thanks to ect I miraculously made a healthy recovery. That was over 5 years ago.

Thing is it’s come back a few times & I need to get to the root of the problem. ( I assume it stems from my childhood & has escalated from there. I’m so angry at myself this time. I can’t believe the symptoms have returned. (I can’t sleep or relax)

I feel I’m letting everyone down. My negative thoughts are sabotaging my relationship with my partner. It’s not fair on her. It’s early days since this anxiety has popped back into my life & she says she is there for me. However I’m afraid I’m going to scare her away eventually if I don’t get better. She has made lots of self progress & found a job she enjoys. She has really come along way. My friends are supportive.  (I don’t have siblings & my parents are elderly & live in another state. I just want to be my happy self.

I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to sleep again tonight & hesitant of taking medication, although I have taken some sleep supplements. 

I will be seeing a hypnotherapist next week to hopefully get me back on track. 

Any advice or similar experiences would be appreciated. I’m more angry at myself. I don’t like being a burden on others.

😌

[Croix]

Dear Nickname ....

I think you are being unreasonably hard on yourself. It is OK to feel frustrated if symptoms return from time to time - mine do too - however that is no reason to blame yourself. It is no fault of yours, you did not ask for it. Quite the opposite you have allowed hospitalization and used ECT to alleviate the problem. That's accepting the condition and trying to do something about it.

I found that in early days my partner tended to blame herself, thinking my behavior was in some way due to her -which was rubbish of course. It was only after I'd taken her to see my psychiatrist and had him explain that my symptoms were the expected result of depression, anxiety and PTSD that her fears in that respect were stopped and she was able to take matters in her stride.

I do take medication to sleep at times, and have done so for many years, practicing sleep hygiene by itself is simply not enough and sleep can be a problem, eihter not going to sleep as the mind is too busy wiht  problems real or imagined, or waking up wiht nightmares.

So if you have been prescribed meds there is no real reason not to use them in a sensible manner. 'Toughing it out' does not help anyone.

I do hope the hypnotherapist makes some progress with you, it sounds a good thing to try.

If you would like to let me know how you get on that would be great

Croix

[therising]

Hi Nickname

When I find someone who faces the incredible pain and torment that can come with certain challenges (esp mental health ones), I never see a burden, I see a mystery that always leads me to a sense of wonder. This stems from me being a gal who's faced the ins and outs of depression for a number of decades. In hindsight, there have always been good reasons behind why periods of depression have come about for me.

My idea is analyse together with someone, wonder together with someone why a form of hell on earth has come about for them.

Some hellish factors...

• A depressing lack of the kind of chemistry that's manufactured through good quality sleep. Depressing levels of sleep apnea can feel like hell. Depressing levels of insomnia too. A seriously depressing vitamin or mineral deficiency can be another chemical factor
• Active thinking is not so bad but hyper active thinking can feel like hell on earth if you just cant stop it (anxiety and depression). If you can feel the speed at which you think, it can be breathtaking
• Plenty of those mental programs/beliefs put into our head from day one may not be so bad but some of them can go on to create a kind of hell on earth. For example, and this one grinds my gears, 'Boys/real men don't cry. You need to toughen up. You need to stop being so sensitive' etc etc. If your goal is to create a completely insensitive person, this would be the perfect recipe. Get someone to shut down from what they're sensing within themself. To top it all off, it'll stop them sensing how other people feel too. If you can sense/feel the insanity of this kind of mental programing, that tells you there's something seriously off and even depressing about it. All emotions/feelings are telling and therefor are worth exploring, so we know what they're telling us. It pays to be raised as an enthusiastic explorer
• Standing still in life at significant crossroads, without knowing which way to go, can also feel depressing, especially when you've been standing still for some time. Waiting, desperate for life changing guidance, can make waiting feel like hell on earth

So many different reasons for why we feel life the way we do. So glad you came here, connecting with people who feel so much so deeply.

[Nickname_A6]

Hi Croix thanks for your reply.
 
I don’t live with my partner. I’m not sure she understands the severity of my situation. I had to basically be straight up with her & tell her I’m struggling. I’m doubting myself as I was hoping she would come & see me without me having to ask. I’m not feeling like we are a team. 
I respect she is busy with her work, social engagements etc so it makes me feel like a burden on her. Time will tell if she decides to ride this out with me. I hope she does. If not I need to accept it wasn’t meant to be.
If I feel she’s there for me it will make the whole situation easier. Then again I think this is my problem should I be depending on someone else? I told her I don’t expect her to do this only if she wants to. She’s coming around today.
 
Im obviously in a bad space atm & clearly not myself. I’m having trouble accepting I need support. It makes me feel needy which isn’t attractive. 

[Nickname_A6]

Thank you.
 
 
The fact I’m here says I’m struggling.  I appreciate your response 🙂
 
 
I want to become a stronger person through this 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Nickname ....

Well, I could not have managed by myself and my improvement came about due to therapy, meds, and family support - plus time. The only problem was my wife did not know what to say or do, and as I said felt guilty. Without explanation that can hold peole back.

I'm not sure that feelng needy is an accurate description as for many people (including you by the sound of it) that phrase implies weakness . I look back and see that at the down times I did need help, in the same way a person with malaria or a broken leg might. Neither is 'chosen' by the ill person, and neither is depression.

While it might be possible to struggle along it is - at least for me - much better with someone who cares. So I'd think that letting your partner know you need her presence would be very much in order. In fact personally I'd be disappointing if my partner did not wish to be with me out of simple concern and love. It might make me question how close we really were. (Sorry to be a bit blunt here)

That's not a reflection on you. There are always problems of one sort or another in most people lives, yours just happens to be depression. And facing problems together can be a real boon. The helper feels good too.

I hope her visit works out and would like to know how you get on

Croix

[Nickname_A6]

Hi Croix it’s after midnight & I cannot sleep.

yes my partner supported me to therapy today. It was comforting & my anxiety / depression has eased.

reason I can’t sleep tonight is tells me as she’s falling asleep she’s sorry for not feeling sexual (nothing was instigated as I was t feel sexual either, my mind is in recovery mode) & that she wants a future with me but not sure if this will happen. This came out of no where as I didn’t even bring it up. She has doubts she might want to sleep with other people in the future. I was kinda left dumbfounded as she drifted off to sleep. I didn’t know what to say. Probably not the best thing to say to someone who is struggling right now. At least she’s being honest.

My instincts are telling me this ain’t working. The only reason I was feeling better because I felt she was on my team & by my side. I feel relying on her to get me through this. 

Something is telling me I got to try get through this & my own. The trust is going & im continually feel I’m being gas lighted. 

The fact she is sound asleep next to me & my mind is racing again ain’t a healthy sign. 

hopefully I can fall to sleep & wind down & process what’s just happened.

Right now I’m angry & at the same time I do t want to be with somebody who is having doubts about a future with me. I don’t like being led on. 

[Nickname_A6]

I tried to delete this post however I’m not allowed to under community guide lines.

I regret what I wrote & wish to take it back. I was angry & confused at the time & have spoken to my partner since she woke up.

[Croix]

Dear Nickname~

I don't think you did any harm at all in that post, after all it was honest, you set out what was worrying you, and if nothing else it helped get your thoughts in order.

If someone who I'd hoped wold be a close permanent partner in my life said ot me htey were not sure it would happen and there was the possibility they might sleep with others I'd react badly. Frankly for a lot of people need a closer commitment tan that, and I'd expect you are one of them

I read that since then you have had a talk and I hope matters are more settled now. The fact you got support going to therapy is a hopeful sign. Did oyu find the actual therapy a help?

Croix

[therising]

Hi Nickname_A6

I know it's easy for me to say but please don't feel bad about the post you wish you could delete. It was an expression of how you felt in the moment and there's nothing wrong with that. It's all about trying to make better sense of things as you go along. It can be about trying to make better sense of relationships (how we relate to people or don't), better sense of the way we think (based on a variety of circumstances), better sense of emotions we feel which include new one's we've never come across before and better sense of so much more. We're a work in progress, constantly waking up to so much in life. It's definitely hard and confronting work at times, that's for sure.

Feel free to vent however you're feeling in the moment. Also feel free to mention in a post that follows something along the lines of '...I realised how I felt at the time was raw, honest and genuine and with more time to consider all that happened, I've come to see it in a new light...'. Something like that, in your own words, like with what you've done.

Seeing things in a new light can be such a process. It may not happen all at once. When it comes to a particular issue, there can be little shimmers of light come through, leading up to a major breakthrough which you could call complete enlightenment.