Rabbit caught in the headlights - too afraid to move on with life

[LauraRH]

Hi I'm Laura and I'm new to BB. The bad - I had a traumatic year last year in which I was made redundant, suffered workplace issues, broke up from a long term relationship and returned back to Sydney after a failed move overseas. The good - I came home, rebuilt my life and have got to a place where I thought things would be OK... lovely house, great job, amazing new man (who's moving interstate in Oct but that's another story). But it's not enough, I still feel sad and fed up often. Even as I write this I'm fed up hearing my own story, it occupies my thoughts constantly. To the point where I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, have medication and a counsellor. I've suffered from low mood my whole life but this is a new level, it's been a very long time since I've truly felt like myself. Anyway, I'm starting to feel a little better of late (I've spent the best part of the year floating along, amazed sometimes that I'm still able to 'do life' and that people want to be around me). I feel like it's time to move on and get myself back, and by doing this I'm thinking I might quit my job and either join my new guy interstate at some stage or if we don't work out, make the big move to leave Sydney and travel / contract work my way around Australia. But I'm terrified, absolutely terrified. The thing that drives me crazy is that I know I have low self worth, a fear of failure and I feel almost chemically wired to look at my glass as half full. I fear that I'll lose my guy, go broke and end up back in Sydney because I'm living proof that apparently you can't run away from your problems. But then I have these infrequent moments when I can see that maybe, just maybe everything might be OK. What a relief! I'm too scared to leave my job, my house, touch my savings, because I no longer believe in me or trust my resilience for potentially challenging times ahead. I just want to pack my life up, hit the road and see what happens, go find myself. I've never invested in myself like this before, whenever I've made a big move before it's always been as a couple, I'd like to to something on my own just for me whilst I have the freedom and money. As much as I would love a life in SA with my new guy next year, we are very new and I'd like to focus initially on making me happy independently of him, if we're meant to be, we're meant to be. I'd love to hear from anyone that's been in my situation, and maybe get some reassurance that maybe the grass its actually greener!

[smallwolf]

Hi Laura,

Welcome to beyond blue. Wish I had an answer for you. I can see parts of myself in you. Including the statement (my interpretation) of being at crossroads. These are things I am currently working on with my psychologist. The one thing that I draw on is whether I am moving towards or away from my values. There are other things I wanted to say but have a lunch date and didn't want to lose your story here.

Tim

[LauraRH]

Hi Tim,

Thanks so much for responding. Moving towards my values very much resonates with me, as I'm also currently trying to figure out what genuine value set is, and what my goals are in life. I suppose I don't trust my thoughts entirely at the moment. I think that crossroads are always the doors to opportunities but sometimes it's easier to focus on what can go wrong. Would be interested to hear more about your story if you are happy to share. I hope you had a great lunch!

[smallwolf]

I work as a software developer from home. Have been doing this for too many years. At first it was good. Look after the kids, make dinner etc. Work whenever you wanted. But there are costs. Loneliness. Cannot get away from work. Become a slave to the machine. Constant criticism. No thank yous. Things that should give me pleasure do not. Solving a puzzle should make me happy. It does not. Next! Glass half empty... that's me.

I get more joy out of helping others. In one session with my psychologist I had to list of the positives of my work, and the positives of what is my safe place. I could not list a single thing about my work. Insert minute of awkward silence. Do the same exercise for my safe place. Bang! Bang! Bang! Out they came.

I have an app on my phone that uses the ACT model of therapy. One of the popups is are you moving towards or away from your values. Work wise, I am not moving any closer to them. But if I were single, what would I do? Would I have the guts to make that change?

I guess the question is... what are your values? Does your work move you towards your values? Or away from your values? Other than the obvious answer of yourself, what are you trying to find? What do you think is lacking in your life in your life that requires this step?

I am not try to push you one way or the other. These are not questions that you necessarily have to answer here, in an online environment.

My real story is a somewhat convoluted one. I have to write an journal of my childhood for my next session. Feel that I could forever and say nothing. My story can be found in a thread here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/a-common-story-

Had a session with my psych today. And have to tell the wife what we did ... bit like show and tell.

All the best,

Tim