"stop this ride I want to get off"

[Guest_3712]

Hi guys,

I think this is the first time I have posted on this forum as I usually post on the depression forum. I wish I could say it's because my depression is better, ( wrong) but at the moment , actually for a while now I find I am incredibly anxious and somewhat out of control.

My behaviours have become obsessive. As I alluded to in one of my earlier posts I had started drinking to excess, while still taking anti anxiety meds. My psych had me keep a diary of how much I was drinking, and if I could pin point triggers.

Well I've stopped that because I wasn't improving, and worse still I am now obsessive with other things. The first one being posting on BB!

After a fairly long silence , where I read the posts but didn't reply, I feel the need to reach out as much as I can to you my friends. I am losing a grip on my own behaviours so I  need to feel valued and useful. Please don't doubt my sincerity , but I know it sounds selfish - wow I am truly losing it.

I feel overwhelmed by all the new people on the sites and distressed that I can't reply to every one, but as I already feel quiet manic I wouldn't be really helping. Guys I need some input here. Can someone tell me what I need to do.

I feel angry, and confrontational blaming everyone and everything ( see post on suicidal forum)

I am also engaging in some mild but disturbing self harm- habitual and non life threatening but obviously anxiety derived.

You have no idea how quick I am typing this. I have jammed so much already into my day, walk dog, shopping, pay bills, housework and I go to work in an hour- Crazy I know. I want to yell, "Stop this ride I want to get off"

Ok must get ready - I am exhausted and really hope I don't get any difficult customers- for their sake!

Thanks

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Dear Stressless,

This post went "straight through to the keeper", a beautiful cricketing term, in that it was missed by most - and I get a sense that it was on the Anxiety Forum - no excuse I know, but it's the only one I could come up with.

Obsessive behaviour is certainly a condition amongst all of what we experience and I find I'm in a similar mode of thought when it comes to BB.  Trying to reach out to others to help because THEY NEED it and I feel I can provide that kind of support and along the way hopefully some "ok" advice as well.  I mean living with this for so long, I guess I'm able to pass on some tools or tricks for what I've learned - or just thoughts on this mongrel disease.

You say you've stopped - is that the drinking or the monitoring of it?  I think I wrote you before to say that I would have thought the monitoring of it could be difficult to do, especially when you read the next day of how many you had.

But as for you replying on BB and posting to others, I can't help but think that this is a GOOD thing.  It's a wonderful thing to be able to do that and I firmly believe that by posting, we are in some way helping and contributing to people and to people in this community.  As long as you feel ok with doing it, then I cannot see a harm in you responding.  In fact, I say go for it, because yes, there are a lot of newbies who come on and the more of us "regulars" who are out there who feel able to contribute and reply to posters, the better this site will be.

Yes, I've tried to write here before about the mild self harm that I do almost on a daily basis, but it won't go through and I can see the reason for that, so that's ok.  I've spoken with my psych about it, and she thinks that it is only a mild self harm but probably more linked to anxiety and a kind of 'bad' habit formed via that emotion.

Are you still managing to cope ok at work??  That mask you're wearing ... is it still a good fit?

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Stressless,

You have helped me a lot in the past and I am sorry I missed this earlier as I was at my session with my psych.

Stressless I understand what you're saying but I just don't know what to say.  I am sorry I am not in a good frame of mind at the moment, my thoughts are racing through my head thinking about the hospital.  

I just want to say to you that I am thinking of you and sending you a hug.

Don't worry Stressless about having to feel that you have to reply to everyone on here.  If you miss one I am sure someone else will reply.  

I must say that I have been feeling a bit like you where sometimes replying on here triggers me off into an emotional state.  But then I come back on and write to someone to give advice. Not really sure if my advice is of any use, because i doubt myself so much that i don't even know why i write on here.

sorry i am now digressing into my own world, it's about you.

Stressless, pls take care, let us know how you went at work today.

Jo xx

[Guest_3712]

Hey Neil

thanks for the reply, so for being a drama queen.

Before I go any further , I want to ask you how you are doing? You have so much on your shoulders and I worry that you are getting the support you need.

As for the alcohol , yes I've cut back a lot but like you said the writing it down and looking for triggers was upsetting because I wasn't improving like I wanted.

I get what you are saying about posting here and I do think I have something to offer at times, like with Jo and hospital- I have been in several times so I thought I could help ease her mind a bit, but then I look at my own behaviour and I think who am I to give advice.

It seems like I get one thing sorted and then I develop some other  problem

Am I scared to be free of issues? I don't get it. I am ashamed to see my psych next week because I feel like a failure on so many levels.

Yes my work mask is still a good fit. It's funny but at work I feel invincible . I sell up a treat and my problem solving skills are great. What is that about.?

Don't know what to do , it's like I am leading a double life .

Stressless 

[Guest_3712]

Hey Jo,

no need to apologise, I guess I had a bit of a panic attack .

I know what you are saying about coming on and posting, you're like Neil always giving despite your own problems.

Focus on your own recovery , I'll be fine

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Dear Stressless

I’m going ok.  Am now seeing my psychologist regularly which I find very good.  It’s finally to have found someone who is a good fit for me.  I still have this grey curtain in front of me for pretty much most of my day, as it seems that most of us do.  But I’m getting by.  You have too … the alternative is not an option.

Stressless, I’ve always found your posts to be quality reading and you provide excellent advice and yes, that’s through the experience you’ve gained with life skills as well as the unfortunate experience you’ve gained (as we all have) through living with this awful illness. So there’s something that we can draw at least a positive from for having this illness – that we can give guidance and advice to others who come to this site through our own experiences.  And yes, as long as YOU feel comfortable in posting, then I really think you should go for it – think good positives for doing this.  It’s a good thing.

Hey, it’s coming to the end of March and as of April, I’m going back off the grog again – I think I’ve definitely had my fair share of it during March and the local bottle shop is having trouble closing their cash registers, so it’s time I gave it a swerve for a while.  Would you be interested in trying to go ‘dry’ with me through April???  If so, this weekend, there’s no binge-ing of course, but more to the point of making sure by the end of it that we don’t have any spare in the home – just in case there’s a weakening – we don’t want to have temptation.  But hey, I shouldn’t be preaching to you … it was just a thought if you wanted too.

I don’t quite get you when you say, “you get one thing sorted and then another problem develops”.   You wrote that shortly after talking about posting here … were they linked as in, do you feel sometimes that you take on ‘others’ issues and that makes you feel bad?? 

I'm not sure if I’m correct in that assumption, but I will just say on that point (and to anyone else who might be reading) – that yes this is a brilliant fantastic site and we all know that.  But there are some posts that can potentially have opportunities to weigh heavily on the reader’s minds – whether we reply to them or not.  But the thing we really must do is to know, yes these poor souls are doing the hard yards as they’ve described but just remember dear folk (dear Stressless) that we (that you) are doing it oh so tough as well – and we just cannot afford to take on the issues of others so much that they become a burden on ourselves.  The posters would definitely not want that to happen, as I know full well that the kind folk in the background from Beyond Blue don’t want that sort of thing to happen either.  And it’s not to say that we can’t feel empathy and support these people – but it’s just that we need to remember at ALL TIMES that we (that YOU) are the number one person here and your health is the most important.

One last note on this – if you come crashing down due to further issues that you’ve developed via whatever means, then there’s no way that you will be able to assist others if you’re totally bombed out.

Wow, another sermon … sorry for that. I was going to address more of your post, but I might be near the end of my word limit.

Please write back again Stressless if you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Stressless, there are times when we can reply to other people, but while we suffer from depression it's not possible to do this, and there is no need for you to have to worry about this.

You can only respond to people when there is a particular comment that you may resonate with, or feel attached to what they are saying, or something that you have experienced yourself, otherwise it's going to haunt you and annoy you.

So there is a time only when it's appropriate for you to do so.

I was like you I never recorded what I drank or how much, much to the demise of my doctor, or I would just pull a figure out of the head, and they knew that it was wrong.

Your psych knows that by drinking quantities of alcohol that there are still many problems, so there is no need to feel as though you are a failure, why, because if you had no problems that effected you from depression then they would have no business.

So it's their job to be able help you through all of these concerns.

There is a major concern here and it's to be free from all of these issues, because all our thinking is now blank, what will I do, sure I can go to the beach, shop, travel and so on, but now we have to learn on how to rethink about what's now happening with our career, family and so on, so it can be scary.

So we have these two issues here, 1 is about the drinking and 2 about trying to now focus on our life once this depression has gone.

OK what did I do, well I had moved into a new rented place, and was slowly getting better, to the point that I knew that I had to contain my drinking hours and cut them down considerably, because excess alcohol was keeping me in a depressed state, because there was no chance if I started drinking early in the morning because it was then downhill all the way, so I taught myself that I could have a drink at a reasonable hour, so this curtailed the need to drink all day, from the fact that I still knew that I could drink.

When my depression was slowly going I then had to address the fact of what will I do now, or channel my daily activities into, and it happened by chance that I meet an old friend at the supermarket whose only transport was a taxi or bus, so I asked him if he had a taxi discount card which he didn't, so from there on I looked after him and then the list grew to about 6 or so elderly people who also had depression, and from there on here I am. L Geoff. x

[Guest_3712]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for your input , as usual you have the knack for breaking things down.

Just to clarify, when I said I get one thing sorted and then another problem comes up, it seems I spend so much of my time giving up things.

Firstly it was addiction to prescription meds, three different drugs three different admissions and detox.

Then it was some self harm habits, recently the grog and Oh yes I am still battling with mis-use of my prescription meds. It seems to me I constantly need a crutch of some kind.

My fears were posting on BB was becoming another vice, so I appreciate your comments on this and I will take them on board.

I monitor my successes in terms of achievements. I am a list person, and I have to have goals and direction.  My psych knows this and we set tasks etc for me to work towards- no pressure except what I put on myself.

So at the moment having failed to achieve some goals re sobriety and anxiety habits I feel like a failure and will probably cancel my appointment on Monday. I need him to feel proud of me and I hate letting him down-  yeah I know definite father issues here.

So yes I would like to join the 'keep dry' program for April, so sign me up.

Glad to hear you have found a good fit with your psychologist, it makes all the difference .

So it's time to put my work mask on and go sell some good cheer to all those ladies out there who want to feel good , look good and yes tell me their problems too.

Yikes! if they only knew.

Thanks again Neil

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hey Geoff,

First off I love the new pic.

I was wondering if I would hear from you ( sorry no pressure but I value your input so much) and of course my paranoia was setting in so thanks.

I do get that I can only give quality input to those that I can specifically relate to. It is just so hard to read of all the suffering out there and be helpless to do anything about it.

As for the drinking I believe this has been a temporary crutch as I said to Neil I seem to be in constant need of something or someone to lean on.

I think , no scrub that, I KNOW,one of the things this depression journey has done to me is strip me of all my confidence and shields I have built up over the years to cover all my insecurities.  If you had ever said to me I would be a drug addict, in and out of a psychiatric hospital for depression and  anxiety I would have scoffed .

These last 8 years have shattered the world I built to protect me from childhood issues, the strong independent confident persona that took me to such great height are a dim memory and at times I wonder was it all a dream

So life after depression. Wow I don't even dare to think this will happen. How can this all consuming , suffocating cloud ever leave me when I keep substituting one substance or behaviour for another- I don't know.

Geoff one thing I do know is that you are an inspiration to me and the fact that somehow my issues resonate with you enough to reply gives me hope

Take care and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless

The confident, strong, independent woman who was you earlier in your life, I honestly believe is back - when you are at your workplace.  You're displaying problem solving skills and have a feeling of invincibility around you - as in you are in control and you're making contributions.  You're guiding, advising and providing items to people who are after 'things'.  I'm sorry for writing things, as I'm not 100% sure what industry you're now in and you're excelling at.

And as you've mentioned, you're also providing some 'social worker' kind of skills as you're presenting a persona to different people of being someone confident and someone that people feel comfortable in being able to talk too - and as a result of this, I have no doubt that you're providing advice to these people as well.

And you're doing all of this despite you (and all of us) knowing what you're experiencing when you're not at work.  Is there something that you know or you can pin-point as to why you have this feeling of confidence and invincibility??  Is it because you're comfortable in the environment and that you know what you're doing??

I won't go on much more at this time cause I'd love to hear back from you.  I don't even know if any of what I've written has been beneficial to you, I just wanted to write to you and really show out the positiveness that I feel shows out in your recent posts.  Yes, there are negatives there too, but addressing them later is probably another post in the future.

Kind regards

Neil