Prisoner of my mind..

Shindig430 · ‎18-09-2017

Hi all, im new here.

I guess im posting because i am an incredibly anxious person and i feel so stuck.

Im 25, have a good but difficult and competitive job, in a relationship with a supportive and patient person. But i feel i cant do anything right. Most of the time i hate myself, hate my actions, hate every fibre of my being. Every conversation i have, i replay a thousand times. I havent slept the last few nights because im constantly rehashing the same conversation i had with a coworker (which happened a week ago).

Im constantly terrified of what others think of me, i want to be perceived as perfect, i want control over everyones perceptions of me. I cant stand the thought of people seeing my flaws. This is especially in my working role.

ive started having compulsions which are extremely difficult to ignore. I associate bad luck with random things like something on the floor or a coathanger the wrong way - and i have to fix it, otherwise i convince myself something terrible will happen.

Thats the part i hate most - always WAITING for the next terrible thing to happen. Im so sick of being prepared, sensing the worst, getting ready. I never enjoy anything anymore.

I feel like a total prisoner of this hellhole in my mind and sometimes all i want is to escape forever. I often find myself wishing i would just get sick so i could quietly and peacefully leave the world behind, with dignity and "courage"

Am i alone?

BballJ · ‎18-09-2017

Hi Shindig430 ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Wow, your post resonated with me because I have been in your situation and felt how you have felt. I have suffered from anxiety for over 10 years now and the constant over thinking really does hurt. Sitting on certain situations and just replaying them over and over again in our minds. It is so difficult. I even related to the bad luck association you have with things having to be a certain way, I have dealt with these things for years in so many different ways.

I know it feels tough at the moment but you can get through this. Have you ever spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? and maybe though about speaking to a psychologist? I ignored my anxiety for a long time and it wasn't until I went and got professional help from a psychologist that I started to feel better. I have had the sleepless nights too and they are tough and that is where the psychologist helped me as well. I cannot recommend them enough.

Please also know you can contact the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

CygnetSkylar · ‎18-09-2017

Hi Shindig430,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can assure you that you are not alone in having those thoughts. Everyone would have thought about all the "what ifs" and "worst case scenarios" to a degree. I've experienced a lot of that myself in academia - there is a phenomenon known as "imposter syndrome" where an individual always thinks they are not good enough in the field and that there is always more that could be done.

I found it really helpful to take a deep breath when I start to spiral and remember that ultimately, it is your life that you are living and you do not have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. I found setting a realistic goal and coming to terms that we're only human and literally no one is perfect. Even the person who you think is absolutely smashing life has something that they are not good at which you do not see.

Jay's suggestion above about getting some help is so spot on. Again, I would like you to know that that is not a sign of weakness or imperfection. It is absolutely reasonable to get help with something that you can't deal with yourself.

I know that you will be able to resolve this. Remember that things like this will take time and you do not need to put pressure on yourself to get things perfect in a timespan. Everyone's life moves at their own pace.

Best of luck!

geoff · ‎19-09-2017

hi Shindig, the comments by Jay and CygnetSkylar are spot on, however from what you have said to us, it seems as though your anxiety is now causing you to have OCD.
Can you please us know whether you have been diagnosed with this illness, I've had it for 57 years and know how controlling it is to us. Geoff.

Shindig430 · ‎19-09-2017

Bball j, thanks for your response. Its good to hear from someone who has gone through a similar experience and learned to control it well.. gives me hope. Ive got my first ever psychologist session this saturday actually. But i dont even know where to start! I find it really difficult to speak openly to new people, im great at hiding the true extent of my problems and acting fine. It comes from a long way back when my mother had mental health problems growing up. You get good at putting a smile on! And you dont want anyone knowing what your heads really like

Cygnet skylar, thankyou, i can definitely hear youve gone through a similar thing. I found when you said "it is your life, you dont have to prove anything to anyone but yourself" so liberating and hopefully that can help me in times of crisis. Ive called in sick to work today because im just not feeling like i can face the day.

hi geoff, thanks for your response. Ive never been diagnosed with OCD, no. Mind you ive never really seen mental health professionals (not since being a child). Hopefully the psychologist this weekend can shed some light, because i certainly feel like my anxiety is spiralling and manifesting itself in other ways these days.

White_Rose · ‎19-09-2017

Hello Shindig

What a great and expressive name. Sums up the whole thing.

Many people find it difficult to start talking to a psychologist, or any medical specialist. It can appear overwhelming and scary. I suggest you print out your posts above and take them with you. You can either read them to the psych or hand them over to be read. It's a good ice breaker and hopefully by the end of your first session you will be more relaxed for the next meeting.

I do want to warn you about your expectations from this first meeting. Really it's more a getting to know you rather than an assessment. It's the time to ask questions such as how the meetings will go, how often will you meet, and anything else you want to know. Sometimes a person will go to the appointment expecting an immediate diagnosis and a cure. It will take time for both to happen.

Good luck for Saturday and please let us know how it went.

Mary

CygnetSkylar · ‎19-09-2017

I'm glad that line could help you in some way. I've been using that a bit lately and learning to lower my own expectations of myself and disregard unnecessary pressure/judgement from others so that I can push through my PhD studies.

Taking a day off to sort out your thoughts is a great move. I hope your meeting this weekend goes well too!

Do update us if you feel comfortable in doing so. I'm sure I speak for all of us here in saying that we all care about how you're going.

BballJ · ‎19-09-2017

Hi Shindig430,

I felt exactly the same before my first psychologist session, I said to my family that I cannot speak about my feelings and I wouldn't know where to start. After I started the first session, I actually couldn't believe how quick the hour goes and they have a way of just making you talk. They do try and get to know you first and ask questions and won't generally challenge you right away (challenge in a good way to make you think) but if you connect with them, you will want to talk to them and tell them how you are feeling. You are doing the right thing so keep reminding yourself of that.

Always here to talk if you need any advice.

My best,

Jay

geoff · ‎20-09-2017

hi Shindig, maybe you could google this 'best online OCD test', that's only if you want to. Geoff.