Hello Amanda
Your courage to write here is so appreciated. People reading who have had similar abuse & violence perpetrated against them will see they are not alone, as you, yourself , are not alone.
Our minds don't understand that it was so long ago, so our memories thoughts & feelings are here & now. It can feel literally crushing.
When I first began to deal with my own past, I didn't have words for what I was feeling. It took me a long time to trust the good psychiatrist I'd found.
He gave me the space to find my own way. He allowed me to show him things I'd written & pictures I'd painted. That helped me to begin to talk.
Then he left for another state.
It was years later when I found another psychiatrist I could have a similar space with. He respects my experiences & how I tell what's on my mind in my own words. He's helped me understand feelings & that I can live with them, that I am a worthy & deserving of any care I can give to myself.
I'm so sad & sorry for the pain & misery those people caused you, & I fear, your daughter, too. No child deservers such awful rejection from anyone.
You might not ever forget those 4 years. Those years can make you stronger, when you understand, nothing you did is an acceptable reason for what they did & you are not to blame for your child being a girl. You brought a beautiful baby into the world. There is nothing wrong with that.
I think, now you've begun talking here, you will find it gets easier to talk with your psychiatrist. Try some writing, drawing or painting, or some other way to express your feelings & thoughts. Could be music or dance. Some people get stuck into weeding their garden to release some anger or frustration. Some clean the home from top to bottom, & find that helps too.
You can begin with talking about what you'd like to do ???
& you are certainly welcome to talk here.
Hugzies
mmMekitty
