Passive agression

[Richju]

Hi Everyone,

I wonder if anyone has overcome the tendancy of being passive agressive rather than expressing anger?

When I have conflict with others, I tend initially, to try to understand their point of view then, usually when I'm alone, I begin to feel angry and will often verbalise what I would like to have said to the person. But I'm too afraid of expressing my anger to others in case I panic and forget what I want to say or begin to shake and burst into tears.

I really want to change this behaviour and learn to express ny anger more appropriately.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Regards 

Richju

[indigo22]

Hi Richju,

I understand what you are saying, if we have not learned how to express our anger, or in my case, not allowed to express our anger, it can be really hard to control all the emotion involved in the moment. 

One solution could be to take time out at that moment to allow yourself to find a calmer state and come back to the conversation when you are not so emotionally volatile. Another solution could be to take time out and write down your thoughts and feelings for the other person to read when you are feeling calmer so that you don't have to worry about forgetting what you wanted to express.

When we are feeling emotionally volatile and vulnerable, we can blurt out all sorts of things which can often be taken the wrong way, better for both parties to agree to allow the situation to de-escalate in order to have a conversation rather than an argument. Arguments rarely resolve anything, but a heartfelt conversation can resolve a great deal.

I hope this is of some help,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Richju

I have to say good on you for 1)recognising the passive aggression, 2)wanting to make sense of it and 3)wanting to change your approach to things.

Personally, I came to realise my passive aggression comes from my intolerant sense of self. With the idea that we're multifaceted, imagine there's an intolerant facet to us, a people pleaser facet to us, an analytical facet and a sage-like facet, just to name a handful. So, if I set the scene by leading you to imagine some self righteous arrogant self obsessed relative says to you, while laughing (to make things worse), 'No, you're hopeless at that. There's no way you can achieve it, no matter how much you kid yourself' cue

The intolerant facet: 'They can't say that, that's horrible. Don't tolerate that sh**' which can trigger...

The inner sage: 'You need to calm down and think about what leads them to say it' which triggers...

The analyst: It's based on the idea they simply have no vision. Don't take it personally. They simply can't see beyond themself, that's their nature. They're completely self focused' which can potentially enrage/trigger...

The intolerant facet: 'Who gives a damn about the reason' which can set off...

The people pleaser: Don't upset anyone!

So, the middle ground between complete intolerance and people pleasing is passive aggression. It's not brutal but it's also not completely pleasing or pleasant. But it may not end there. On our own, there's the chance for our intolerant facet to start up again, 'You're hopeless. You should have said something. You should have set a boundary for them to never overstep again. Instead you aimed to please and didn't entirely stand up for yourself. Next time, do not tolerate a damn thing from that person!'.

My intolerant sense of self is typically fueled by anger. The more angry I become, the more intense it gets. Works the other way around too. If I want to channel my intolerant facet to life, for one reason or another, I'll work up to anger which tends to trigger it. I know someone else who does the same exercise, generating a sense of anger so as to trigger that really upstanding part of our self that sets boundaries. Such an exercise has to be done carefully, so it doesn't create a huge level of energy (aka absolute fury) that produces shaking, out of control rants and the kind of dialogue that burns bridges. Definitely a challenging facet to manage but one that can help generate greater levels of self-esteem. Whether certain facets of us are gradually triggered to life over time or they come to life in a 'zero to a thousand kms a second' scenario (a furious and out of control rate), the speed definitely has a feel to it. Btw, if it wasn't for my inner sage, I would have burned many a bridge over time. It's the part that insists on reasoning (a wise and reasonable part of us), that helps manage intolerance. Sometimes it can also be about getting the people pleaser in us to take a back seat more often, so that it doesn't remain our driving force, letting us down or even bringing us down in a number of ways.

[Richju]

Dear Indigo and Therising,

Thank you both for your replies. I did manage to express my anger in writing. I felt it was a bit of a cop out to do it that way but better than nothing and I felt calmer once I'd done it.

Writing it down helped me to marshall my thoughts and to avoid too much blaming.

Unfortunately the conflict was with my neighbour, who is very much a pleaser and things are still a bit uncomfortable between us. Hower, she rectified the breach and I thanked her for this.

I always experience some guilt after expressing my anger and I'm aware of how that guilt originated. I became very ill as a child and nearly died so my mum spoilt me after that. However, she made me feel guilty for being spoilt and would lay on the guilt if I became angry with her.

As I'm nearly 73, I think it's about time I got over this and allowed the occasionally angry me some free reign!

Again, thank you both for your most useful and encouraging replies.

Richju xxxxxxx

[indigo22]

Hi again Richju,

You are most welcome and I am glad to hear that it was helpful to you.

You seem to be a self aware person, knowing what is at the root of your inability to easily express your anger. I had a similar problem with my mother, everyone in my dysfunctional family were angry and I soaked up all the anger being the sensitive child. Being angry was not an option for me, all it did was make my dad angry and my mum would take it as a personal attack and cry, telling me how awful I was to her. So I kept it down all my life until they passed and spent the following 2 years in a rage, everything I bottled up came out in one go.

I am thinking that writing in a journal daily or when you have something on your mind, could be a good process for you. It might help you with your expression and understanding of your emotions. I have done this at different times in my life and it can be very beneficial.

I wish you all the best,

indigo

[Richju]

Thanks Indigo,

Your mum sounds similar to mine in her reaction to anger but I suppose they both had their own issues and weren't lucky as us to be able to access this forum.

Writing is my main hobby and I've begun writing about my mum a lot recently. She had a very difficult life and I loved her but there were many times that I didn't like her. My elder son seems to feel the same way about me now.

Thanks again Indigo - it's a beautiful colour and you seem to have a beautiful nature.

Love and hugs,

Richju xxxxxxxxxx

[therising]

Hi Richju

I'm so glad some degree of resolution was reached with your neighbour. Whether it involves neighbours or family members, people are interesting in their nature. We can be interesting too, when it comes to being able to make greater sense of how we think, feel and behave. Nature vs nurture and all that. What makes us who we are? What leads us to feel guilt? The list of questions seems never ending at times, in that almighty quest to truly know our self. Writing can be such good therapy at times.

Guilt is an interesting one. While I used to resent it, now I try to see it as a trusted friend that likes to lead me to a greater sense of consciousness. When I feel the presence of guilt, I imagine it asks me 'Who do you wish to be in this moment or from this moment onward?'. For example, do I wish to be someone who apologises for having allowed myself to lose control (if that is the case) or do I wish to be someone who acknowledges my choice to speak my mind, free of the reigns that hold me back from fully expressing my overwhelming pain and my deep heartfelt needs? Guilt raises me, based on it raising my consciousness. I think when it triggers our inner critic, the people pleaser in us or some other part of us that leads us to sufferance in some way, then it's not guilt in its most helpful form. I find, if someone leads me to feel guilt, I have to be careful it's not actually shame they're leading me to or that they're not manipulating me in a way that brings some self loathing part of me to life, to suit their own agenda.

[Richju]

Hi again therisinng and thanks for your thoughtfull reply.

I've been thinking about people pleasers lately and wonder if deep down they are actually self haters. I have noticed they tend to avoid looking into themselves too closely and seem to function in a 'please like me mode' to boost their self esteem, therefore social media seems to appeal to them. It must be difficult to maintain this 'nice' persona. 

Vive the individual I say! The one who can voice their needs and feel comfortable doing this at the risk of being disliked.

Let's have some healthy honesty here and rid ourselves of this guilt rubbish eh?

I feel that 2024 will be a year of good personal growth.

Love and honesty to all!

Richju xxxxx