Hi julzabee,
Anxiety is without question the toughest issue I've ever had to deal with, and I think it's made tougher by the fact that it's so invisible. I wish it were easier to broach with my friends or my coworkers, but there is still that perceived stigma attached to it. So I find I then panic about the panic itself, and it all gets out of hand very quickly.
But it's DEFINITELY gotten a whole lot better. Thanks to seeking professional help, as well as gradually opening up to those close around me, I've been able to manage my anxiety effectively. That doesn't mean I don't have recurrent attacks, but I KNOW that I've got through them before and that they cannot harm me. They WILL pass, even when that seems like the unlikeliest possibility.
I've lived with anxiety (and depression) for several years now, and I have accepted that I will never be fully rid of it. But whereas back then I used to experience panic attacks every single day, now it's every now and then. Don't get me wrong, some periods of anxiety will last a week or two, but I tell myself that I won't ALWAYS feel this way, and remind myself of how effing glorious it is during those times in which I don't.
You're doing the right thing, getting help. Keep reminding yourself of all the great things in your life, even if they're tiny and seemingly insignificant. And when those dark thoughts pop up, as they will (and from experience, usually at the most inopportune time) tell yourself they're just that -- thoughts -- and that they'll go away. They don't have to determine your actions. Try to accept what's happening by taking note of how you're feeling -- sweating, increased heart rate, etc. -- and try to trace those sensations to your thoughts. What triggered those feelings? (I often find it's easier to do this post-panic attack; during it, I really only have the capacity to assure myself I'll get through it.)
Anyway, I just read your words and wanted to reach out and tell you that at least I have found that anxiety doesn't have to dictate and ruin your life. If anything it's made me so much stronger. Trust me when I say, there IS a light at the end.
Cheers, and be kind to yourself 🙂
