Panic attacks on holidays

[lilykitten]

Hello folks. I have GAD but seem to manage it very well using all the breathing methods etc. I work as a teacher, have 2 demanding teenage girls and my husband is out of work but despite a racing brain which makes me a bit forgetful, no one would notice. It's in my downtime that the panic attacks hit. As the meal arrives at the dinner or as I am about to get on a plane or when arriving at a swanky hotel. The symptoms are pins and needles across my scalp, fuzzy vision, clamminess, nausea but most of all diarrhea. I can get through it with deep breathing and many visits to the loo but I wonder if I am destined to never fully enjoy a holiday. I am looking at two options 1. medication for anxiety or 2. mediation for nausea and diarrhea. Do you think either is worthwhile? I'm the sort of person who never takes medication and doesn't drink.

[Croix]

Dear Lilykitten~

I've read your other posts at:

Forums / Relationship and family issues / Co-dependent Relationship help. and earlier at
Forums / Anxiety / Anxiety and self esteem

And think the whole thing probably runs together. You are under a lot of pressure at home doing all those jobs, plus you are the breadwinner and have a very demanding job as a teacher.

If you add to that a parent who always criticized your actions and a husband who appears to take advantage of your abilities and willingness to shoulder the family responsibilities I'd suspect that over the years it has had a fundamental effect on you that really needs addressing.

Having panic attacks and nausea plus needing to go often and urgently to the loo are in themselves a source of even more stress, I have had exactly the same.

You asked an 'either or question'. My answer has been therapy, meds for anxiety and depression and meds for physical symptoms. Taken all together wiht a lifestyle that tries to reduce stress this has worked reasonably well.

While I can understand you don't wish to end your relationship I would suggest that if you can set up boundaries not only will you have less pressure to do things but you will also feel more empowered and less helpless and resentful. As bindi-Qld said I would start with the day-to-day things that need to get done. Mowing the lawn, cooking, cleaning, caring for your children.

A difficult thing, but going on as you are does not help. In my own case things got worse.

I've said a fair bit here - what do you think?

Croix

[lilykitten]

You are so right Croix. I should have left my relationship years ago. I spend so much of my time seeking those few moments of joy to take away the stress but my body seems to sabotage them.

[lilykitten]

For those wondering what Croix is talking about this is my life in a nutshell...

My racing brains hates the political infighting at work. It is one of those times I’ve always thought honesty was the best policy but I have been told recently that shutting up and staying out of it, is best. Hard if you want to support people on all sides of the fence and they don’t want to talk to you or each other. I actually got spoken to for both supporting my workplace and pointing out that the elephant in the room needed to be dealt with . Maybe I’m ….
THE ONLY ONE SEEING ELEPHANTS
At least I’m not seeing demons. What is wrong with my youngest daughter. She used to be my bright spark giving me hugs and telling me she loved me. Now she hits me and kicks me and screams hysterically if you turn the light off. She doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t wash, she doesn’t do schoolwork she just watches and draws anime and plays endless video games I MISS HER SO MUCH she must be so frightened of coming out and being with people.
DID I CAUSE THAT?
My other daughter is so sad. I give her everything she asks for but it seems she has no confidence anymore. She is slowly locking herself away too. She is supremely talented , attractive and smart.
HOW DO I MAKE HER SEE IT?
Then there is my husband, constantly needy but distant. I tell him I love him and he grunts, I lock my arms around him in an embrace and he just stands there trapped and waiting for it to end. He thinks I am the distant one, telling me I don’t care when I don’t notice him slip into the room. Why do I have to greet him. He lives here. I know he thinks I should appreciate him more and I do when he does something helpful with the kids, but doesn’t he realize that other people do not ask to talk then go on and on about how the other person doesn’t communicate. Then I bring up the hugs thing and he says he shows he loves me just by sticking around. I’m not sure that’s love anymore. The day he came home very depressed saying he had sat by the lake all afternoon and said I made him feel so sad he felt he should move on. For some reason I felt no sympathy, just relief. I had the exit plan all worked out. I’d move next door, the kids would spend half their time at either house. I would even keep up the mortgage payments, insurances and school fees. A year down the track we could file for divorce and settle up all the property. It seemed an ideal situation. The kids would not be disrupted and he even had some funds of his own to tide him over until he got a job. Unfortunately, I do not think this was what he was expecting. We had another one of those long circular conversations about how he felt unwanted and how I belittled him that left me apologizing for my actions and him sticking round. He is angry and frustrated all the time swearing and calling me names. He gets up just as everyone is heading out of the house in the morning, he visit his friends or his shed at night. He hasn’t kissed me on the mouth in 5 years.
THERE IS A STRANGER IN OUR MIDST.
Having just got a phone call from my mother I am struck by how much she needs me now too. This woman who has told me all my life to suck it up and only rely on yourself actually wants to visit me and burden me with all her troubles. I hate to sound callous but I don’t want to help her and I am her only child and she has no other family
THAT MAKES ME A BAD DAUGHTER.
Now you get to me. ALL THESE PEOPLE DEPEND ON ME and need me. I am insanely jealous. Of the feisty daughter who wont do anything, of the talented beautiful one, of the husband who doesn’t have to produce and income or clean or cook, or the mother who is sitting on a million dollar property yet cries poor and abandoned.
I WANT THEIR LIVES!

[lilykitten]

Just as an update we separated the day we returned from the holiday. He actually left me!

[Croix]

Dear Lilykitten~

Can I ask how you feel abut that? I'd imagine a mixture of relief, guilt and feeling abandoned, but I'm only guessing by looking at myself.

I do remember wondering before when you gave that account of your daughters' difficulties if they stemmed from your husband's behavior.

I'm not sure an inability to offer whatever help your mother might demand makes you a bad daughter. Help comes about in such circumstances mainly by having a good exiting relationship as a basis.

I don't think you want their lives, just less pressure, more support for yourself and to be treated as a human being that counts for something.

May I ask if you have medical treatment for your daughters?

Croix

[lilykitten]

Thanks Croix, Yes I have treatment for my daughters. The youngest is diagnosed ASD and they both have therapy now but are still hard work. My initial feelings of relief have turned into fears about the future. It seems the laws designed to protect SAHM are not working in my favor. My husbands lack of income over the last 15 years makes him a SAHD even if he was never at home and I paid for day and afterschool care and did all the chores. Not looking forward to the financial settlement but will need to sort it out to move on.