Panic attacks every night - fear of death

[unigirl1994]

I few years ago a massive fear of death popped up into my head. It came in waves sometimes bad and sometimes I didn't think about it at all. I saw a psychologist and it really helped. Last year I watched one of my grandfathers pass away in a nursing home and it was really helpful for my fear as he chose to go and was ready. This past few weeks my fear has come back full force. I'm having panic attacks every night before I fall asleep and most days at random times. Last night my mum was telling me a story about how a 90-something year old man had committed suicide as he was tired and chose his own time (she is a policewoman) - she started crying while telling me and it set me off into a panic, I had to pretend to go to the bathroom so I could quietly freak out in there alone. I have spoken to her about me fear before and she encouraged me to speak to my psychologist. I have since contacted my psychologist but her books are closed for a few months. I'm tired of being scared every day and I don't want to waste my life living in fear but everything I read about this phobia sets me off in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do, because I know its inevitable but I need to come to terms with it.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Gracie,

The book I have recommended to unigirl is for me, everything you would want to know about death anxiety, although not that comforting. Another I read part of but then had to return to the library was I think Staring at the Sun by psychiatrist Irvin Yalom. It was a book that I recall did seek to impart some comfort. I have found when that kind of anxiety had arisen in me it has been me really focusing deeply on it, and although I haven’t felt it much for years now I often feel if I meditated deeply enough on it I could make it return.

Do you often have death anxiety Gracie?

[Gracie63]

Yes I have death anxiety nearly on a daily basis and it seems to just sneak into my thoughts frequently throughout the day and night. I have terrible panic attacks and this of course makes it worse because I get all these uncomfortable physical feelings with my panic such as fear / adrenaline, chest pains, dizziness, headaches. I have been to hospital few times and every thing checks out ok and I’m sent home with some medication.

[Gracie63]

Just got back from going to the hospital my blood pressure really high which sent me into a panic attack , hospital nurse basically said I was wasting their time as I need to see my doctor for that . I explained that my panic attack and also That I have death anxiety and I just need to be checked for reassurance. I understand that they are busy with more serious illnesses . Anyway I left there feeling like I’m just a nuisance and now I’m listening to meditation music and trying to bring myself out of my panic.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Gracie, Sorry to hear that. How long have you experienced death anxiety?

[Gracie63]

I think it started around 6 months ago . I worked as a nursing aid for 15 years in high care and palliative care and left my job about a year ago. Iam organising to see a physiologist as it is just awful having this and the panic disorder . I’ve also had a few deaths in my family in the las few years which I nursed them through. Im not sure if this has been a trigger for it.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Gracie,

You’ve certainly had a lot of experience with death in your life. What’s clear is that some people - despite being in professions such as palliative care like yourself, and undertakers - don’t develop death anxiety. Or at least don’t acknowledge it..... I struggled bad with it ten years ago for quite some time, but at the moment i can discuss it without being triggered.... it’s not clear why... although I suspect that it is always under the surface, just the systems of meanings in place in our lives are a protective barrier against it. When i get bittersweet feelings thinking how my little boys are growing up, I think that is the anxiety of existence trying to poke its head through the ground... I think personality also plays a role in how aware people are of it... those who are prone to abstracting and imagination are probably more likely than those who are rigid and very focused on the physical world...

some authors you might like to read are Irvin Yalom, Ernest Becker (the Denial of Death), and Viktor Frankl (mans search for meaning). Ernest Becker is a tough one though so you might not want to if you’re feeling fragile... - he really opened my eyes a lot and scared me. The other two I find kind of comforting.