Panic attacks every night - fear of death

[unigirl1994]

I few years ago a massive fear of death popped up into my head. It came in waves sometimes bad and sometimes I didn't think about it at all. I saw a psychologist and it really helped. Last year I watched one of my grandfathers pass away in a nursing home and it was really helpful for my fear as he chose to go and was ready. This past few weeks my fear has come back full force. I'm having panic attacks every night before I fall asleep and most days at random times. Last night my mum was telling me a story about how a 90-something year old man had committed suicide as he was tired and chose his own time (she is a policewoman) - she started crying while telling me and it set me off into a panic, I had to pretend to go to the bathroom so I could quietly freak out in there alone. I have spoken to her about me fear before and she encouraged me to speak to my psychologist. I have since contacted my psychologist but her books are closed for a few months. I'm tired of being scared every day and I don't want to waste my life living in fear but everything I read about this phobia sets me off in a panic. I need help and I don't know what to do, because I know its inevitable but I need to come to terms with it.

[PamelaR]

Hi Unigirl

Panic attacks are awful aren't they. One of the biggest things I've learnt in the past 8 years is - something always triggers it. It's always something of seen, heard, smelt, touched that sets my thinking off. Up until very recently, what that something was - was always hidden from my consciousness. This made it extremely difficult to manage my panic attacks. Through work with my psychologist she helped me to do some mindfulness.

Mindfulness helps me get to the bottom of whatever I've been thinking about that's caused my panic. There is a lot of information out there on mindfulness. You can find it here on the Beyond Blue website by doing a search using the search field at the top of this page. Alternatively you can search the internet.

This sounds simplistic, but it's not. There are many tools available to help manage panic attacks. Mindfulness is just one step to identifying the cause, I then use CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to change my thinking about what caused the panic. You'll find many here in the forums have different ways of managing their symptoms.

You've made a great step towards helping yourself. Very proud of you.

[unigirl1994]

Thank you Pamela. I am feeling panicked right now but I'm trying to accept the feeling and let it roll over me. I will definitely search on the website for mindfulness and I'll hopefully find some techniques that help. Thank you so much for your reply.

[PamelaR]

Hi Unigirl

Sorry to hear you're feeling panicked right now. I find revealing things about myself to other people extremely triggering. To help get it under control initially, I go into my controlled breathing routine. Breath in through the noise for 4, hold for 4, breath out through the mouth for 4, hold for 4. Then repeat. Physiologically this breathing technique helps to reduce the release of adrenaline in the system, which helps to stem the fear and panic.

Just wondering (by your name), are you going to uni? This might explain a lot. I found uni very triggering as there were always assignments, lectures, assessments, exams etc. It was non stop for me through the years of study. I talked to the uni counsellor, gp - nothing worked. The doctor said - go for a run. Well, I used to cycle everyday, swam 4 times a week. Certainly didn't stop my panic attacks (until I finished 🙂 )

[unigirl1994]

Hi Pamela, no I'm not anymore. When I started this account I was, though I just hadn't figured out how to change my user name since then. It was definitely an anxious time for me and when I first when to my GP for mental health help. That was a few years ago now.

[Here2Talk]

Hi unigirl,

its an interesting story. I have myself grappled with death anxiety throughout my life. Sorry to hear you are in turmoil. My first panic with death anxiety was around age six. It’s like what I imagine a small animal being chased by a dragon (assume such a thing exists) would feel like, moments before the beast devours it whole. I can’t recall anything in the world being as terrifying as the realisation of death.

That largely disappeared until uni where my mum told me of how her colleagues husband committed suicide... intense terror again.. that was like ten years ago. I feel like now I have insulated myself from the feelings that used to come up- at least I haven’t felt it for years now...

A book on the subject called The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker is a wonderful exploration of the topic that incorporates psychoanalysis... It’s like that book made me realise in detail what I had known my whole life, and to this day nothing else has had such an impact on me. I don’t know if it will help you - it could exacerbate the problem for you... But if you’re already in terror it’s kind of like well it can’t hurt more than just thinking it over in your own head right.

this topic has fascinated me forever, I would love to talk more if u want to/ can handle it

Take care, loving thoughts your way

[unigirl1994]

Hi Here2Talk,

Thanks for replying. I'm annoyed that the last 2 years have been pretty good for me in terms of being able to push it to the back of my mind but its suddenly surged forward again.

I did realise that I ran out of my antidepressants yesterday without noticing, so the extra anxiety could be due to that. I was convinced I wasn't going to wake up from my sleep this morning and therefore barely slept last night.

Today I booked an appt with my GP to get a mental health care plan done so I can start seeing a psychologist again and learn how to live in the present instead of obsessing over what is to come (hopefully many years in the future). I also talked myself down a bit today by telling myself I am in my late twenties with a lot left to accomplish. I have family and friends who love me and I am relatively healthy apart from my anxiety and asthma which I've had since a child.

I've also been reading some literature and death acceptance books to try and force myself to realise I'm pretty likely to live to an old age if I take care of myself. And hopefully by then, like most others my perspective will change and I will accept my mortality even more. Happy to chat any time about your perspective on this.

[Here2Talk]

I’d like to chat but I don’t want to distress you about it - cause to chat about it you have to conceptualise it which can be distressing in the throes of being overcome by it. How are you now you’ve had a bit back on meds again?

[PamelaR]

Hi Unigirl

Good to hear you've booked into your GP for a mental health plan and referral to your psychologist. I find each psych I've had has given me tools to help me manage my anxiety as it arises. These days I'm getting better at recognising the signs and doing something about it.

I agree with Here2Talk that it would be good if you are in a good place when you start to chat about your anxiety. Chatting about it could be quite triggering. Over time though it could be a very healing process for you.

It's good you've been able to open up here. To know you are not alone.

[Gracie63]

Haven’t been on here for a while as I have been feeling stable on my antidepressants although I just had a massive panic attack while sitting in chair watching tv . I to have these awful death anxiety that loops around and around in my head. They stopped for awhile being on meds but it’s come back the last couple of weeks and it’s just so draining , my mind won’t stop thinking about it. I’m in my bedroom now listening to meditation music and have taken a breakthrough benzodiazepine which has helped to ease that panic and adrenaline feeling. I think I also need to see a physiologist as It doesn’t seem to go away.