panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

hi all,

well it looks like my anxiety is going to get a lot worse in the next 12 months, Tony Abbott is going to make all people under the age of 50 look for work, while this is great for people ho hve no problems, for me it is a disaster.it's not that i do not want to look for wok, i can't leave the house, answer the phone or drive without a major panic attack, so how am i meant to look for work?

I have gone from 2007 to 2014 without an income, my mother supplied me with $1,000 per year to live on and i a managed to do so for 7 years, in march i was fedup having my mother living a miserable life and dicided to try for a income from centerlink and after contacting the minister for welfare i was lucky enough to recieve an income with an exemption from looking for work. it has helped a lot and taken the pressure off my mother, but it looks like i am going to have to burden her again in th next 12 months.

it will be interesting to see how long i can last without an income this time.

My biggest fear is my mother and myself will eventually become homeless, i have panic attacks regularly about this and the government is not makeing it better.

i understand that people hate poor people like me, and the government has to make the budget sustainable, but this should not be off the back of the poor.

I hope i have not offended anyone about talking about this but it distresses me greatly, worrying about what the future holds for me, i wish there was another way out, but i can't seem to see a way.

jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

Sorry to hear you're worrying about this. 

Correct me if I'm wrong but it is my understanding that the DSP will still be available to those who have a permanent disability, and those under 35 who cannot meet the standard of working at least 8 hours per week. Have you had an appointment with Centrelink? As difficult as it may be to get there and speak with someone, you may need to put this on your list of reasons to get out of the house. 

Are you also receiving rent assistance? Does your mum receive carers allowance? 

Once you know what you're eligible for a Dr or Psychiatrist should be able to assist you with completing documents and assessments.

You know when you leave the house, what's the worst that can happen? I'm guessing it would be a panic attack, feeling breathless, nausea, with an elevated heart rate, feeling paranoid, and perhaps freezing. I know you also get the shakes and stutter. This won't kill you, and it may only last a short while, is it worth going through those symptoms in order to get you out and about? Ok, so maybe some inconsiderate people might look at you or have something unhelpful to say, but do you really think at the end of the day, when they sit down for dinner that these people are still thinking about you? 

I really want to see you living a life worth living. I don't think you're happy about being stuck at home. So if you're not happy at home, then maybe going out and being unhappy about this are not such bad choices either? 

AGrace

[jacques]

hi agrace,

I am feeling really down tonight, i don't know why, i think you are right i am not happy at home, but it makes me feel even worse being in public, i don't fit into society, and because i do not drink alcohol it is even more difficult, a few years ago I saw someone I went to school with, they said we should catchup over a drink, when I said I didn't drink, their was an awkward silence, and I never heard from them again, because of my condition even when I have to spend time with family at Christmas times I always manage to make everyone upset, so I try not to talk to any of them, just to make the day not an upsetting experience for everyone.

No mum does not get a carers allowance, and I was trying not to sound like I am ungrateful, my dsp is very helpful and has made my mothers life a lot easier and less stressful, and it has been good to be able to buy groceries for myself and my mother for a change, I try to spend the money as best I can because I know others had to work hard for the money I receive.

I know it is not other peoples fault they stair at me, I understand that unless they are in this situation they can't understand, but it does make me self aware of my physical appearance.

I often listen to music and i am fond of a line in a song by Something for Kate - monsters "Wishing myself 200,000 years younger to excuse myself from human kind".

It is so exhausting and stressful being out of the house, and having to talk to people, i often wish i could go back to a time when my father was alive and we were all happy.....

Ever since he died life has been a chore.

since being on this forum i am thinking about things i have not thought about in a long time, i don't often reflect on the past, but tonight that is all i can think about.

I have decided to limit contact with family, i will only reply to them if they ask me something it causes me to much anxiety, and i think it will be better for them too, i don't want them to limit contact with my mother because of me.

thank-you

jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I'm not sure how long we've been chatting here, but not once have you said something that has annoyed me or hurt me. No doubt the others on the forum feel the same. 

I personally don't think anyone on DSP is abusing the system, or ungrateful for that matter. My opinion is that you are more than deserving for government assistance. It would be good to make sure that you are getting all that you're eligible for. I actually receive Salary continuance insurance from my superannuation company, as I had to give up work last year due to my illness. I was speaking to someone the other day who asked if I was a kept woman. I was quite offended because although my partner is very generous and supportive, I have a valid reason for not being able to work. So I get the stigma that's associated with so called "bludging" again it's just a lack of understanding.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, it sounds like you had a good relationship with him. I bet he would be really proud of you for all your achievements despite the challenges you've had to face.

Music can be such a good distraction and a way for us to express our feelings. Do you ever listen to music when you venture out?

I'd so love to rock up to your house and walk you down the street, but obviously that's not physically possible. I can only hope that being on the forums here starts to boost your confidence. I understand that you want to disconnect a bit from your family. If they're adding to your anxiety then yeah take a break from them. Just trust me you are not the cause for any mess that occurs, it's usually something much deeper than what one person can say.

You're right people who stare don't know anything about you. I guess it's no different to children not understanding why people are physiologically different. Don't let this stop you though. The only reason that you don't feel like you fit into society is because you have withdrawn from it for so long. The more and more you engage with the outside world the more you will feel a sense of belonging.

I don't drink alcohol either. My first date with my partner I had to admit this, because of course he invited me for a drink. I had to say "can we do coffee instead"...ironically I don't drink coffee either so I ended up having tea. There are plenty of ways to socialise without drinking.

Looking forward to hearing back from you. I noticed you didn't say that you got anxious after your last post, this is a step forward:)

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

I haven't said anything about being annoyed or hurt  because i don't seem to be able to feel anything, ever since i figured out that i don't care whether i live or die i can't seem to feel anything, anyway i tend to think now they are right, my family, mum's friends, public figures and the public keep telling me i am a "Bludger" and i think they are right, i sit around the house, having nothing to do everyday but stair at the walls and thinking about how horrible my life is, i only do things on the weekends, i seem to have plenty to do maintaining my mothers house, but other than that i do nothing.

i don't know about my father being proud of me, he was always proud of my motivation when i was at high school, i was doing year 11, 12, TAFE and full time carer for him, but since i finished high school i have accomplished nothing, but because he was training to be a psychologist i think he would understand why.

when ever i am at home i listen to music and i have to listen to music when i go for my morning exercise, because of the panic attacks i get, when you have headphones in people won't talk to you.

thank you for the kind words about wanting to help me, but i don't think at this point anything would help, i don't just want a break from talking to family, i wish i could completely cut contact, but because of mum this is not an option.

I don't know about being able to fit into society, especially where i live, it is a country town, were if you have not lived their all your life you never fit in, not to mention i have lived most of my younger life in the city, and i am more city life inclined, i don't feel comfortable in the country.

you are lucky living in an area and having people around you being comfortable going without alcohol, where i live you have to drink to fit in, i LOVE coffee and would be overjoyed with people preferring to go to cafe's instead of the pub (i don't drink because i know with my condition i would be an alcoholic in 5 seconds).

it was wishful thinking i don't have anxiety while writing my posts, i am shaking and hyperventilating writing this now, and i will worry all night about what i have written here, about if i have offended anyone, if i made other peoples problems worse, and if there is going to be any repercussions from what i have written, but thank you for noticing.

Jacques 

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry i reread your last post and i misunderstood what you said, i am glad that none of my posts have caused any harm or annoyed anyone, but if you find my posts too depressing please feel free to stop communicating with me, i do not want to cause others and yourself any more distress than they/you already have.

i watched Insight last night about suicide and mens experiences about suicide attempts and survivors and how they are managing to continue on with life, they are so lucky to have supportive people around them, and manage to get past their own daemons. it was a good program and i think people should watch it.

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I hope the shaking and hyperventilating have settled. It's interesting that you can continue to post despite these symptoms.

I don't get depressed or distressed reading or replying to your posts. I've seen and lived too much in my life so I can be a pretty tough cookie. 

Sadly living in the city means that we don't even speak with our neighbours. It really frustrates me. I grew up in Adelaide which I guess you can call one big country town. They even lowered the speed limit to 50 because I think they were scared that too many people would cross over the city and not realise they'd missed it! In Adelaide we spoke to all our neighbours, we invited them over if we were having parties, they babysat us, we put their bins out if they were away. Here in Melbourne people don't even smile at you, there too busy in their own little worlds.

Would you consider moving back to the city? I know it would be a big task financially but it might take away some of the pressure of everyone knowing your business.

I think your dad was really proud of you, it's just difficult for you to acknowledge and believe.

If you're not doing much during the day, have you thought about maybe doing some studies online? I'm toying with the idea of going back and finishing Psychology or just doing a diploma in counselling. Ultimately I want to work in grief counselling and with people who have been touched by suicide, or have attempted suicide themselves - there's just not enough resources available for those of us who have lived these experiences. So I'd like to changes that.

I didn't see Insight, believe it or not I actually don't watch regular tv. My partner and I often download series and do a bit of a marathon on the weekends or while we are away, but other than that the tv never goes on in our house. I don't find it stimulating enough. I will try to get a copy of this show though, it sounds like it was good.

Finally I think let others decide that you are worthwhile helping. To me, everyone deserves support no matter what they are going through. I guess losing my 1st boyfriend to suicide really opened my eyes to the fact that he had no one he could share his true inner feelings with. I only wish he'd had at least one person. I don't want his death to be for nothing which is why I push myself to keep braving through despite my difficulties.

AGrace

[jacques]

hi Amber,

i don't know why i am able to keep coming back  to this forum, something draws me here everyday to see what others are experiancing, and to be honest i am in a constant state of fear and anxiety, my heart races for most of the day. and when i try to go to sleep i start hyperventilating for no reason, it takes me about 5 minutes to get my breathing under control, so if i am in a constant state of anxiety, coming here and having it increase for a few hours afterwards seems to be worth all of the symptoms.

listening to you describe what it is like in Melbourne reminds me so much of what i miss, i like having people not acknowledging me at all, and being anonymous in the crowd, maybe it is because that is all i knew as a kid, maybe it is the same for you, because you had a lot of social contact with neighbors you miss it.

no i have no desire to go back to the city i grew up in, from watching the news it is not a nice place anymore, and i want to remember it the way it was.

it was frightening to watch insight last night because most of the experiences the people on there have had i have now and have had for a very long time. my mother said to me this morning that when she was watching it they were describing me.

i have done study, i have trained in IT in just about every subject, when i was able to go to TAFE (or was forced into education) by centrelink, i got distinctions in most of my classes.

if you would like to watch insite you can see it on SBS on demand.

sorry to hear about your first boyfriend, but sometimes sharing you inner feelings is just not enough, this is why i am very reluctant to ever have a girlfriend, i do not want to destroy their life because of my problems, i have seen so many people not be able to move on because someone could not bare to keep going, and the only reason i continue to still be alive is because of mum, to help here maintain the house and i will care for her in her old age, but i have no desire to live beyond that.

[AGrace]

Hey,

So before I go into your most recent post, I realised looking back that there are a few things that I forgot to answer.

You asked me what is Mindfulness. Its an alternate to meditation. It's about bringing awareness to the present moment. The intention is to reduce rumination and worry. Unlike meditation the goal is not to relax you, but this seems to be a secondary benefit. Google Russ Harris, he's a bit of a guru. I'm not sure if you've read any of his books? "The Happiness Trap" and "The Confidence Gap". You can also google Tara Brach.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you couldn't consider going into hospital because of separation anxiety. You would get the best treatment there and they would sedate you if you became to hysterical. Your mum would be able to visit you, and you would get 24/7 care.

Did you end up reading The Brain That Changes itself?

How do you find CBT? Unfortunately it wasn't for me. This is typical for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder, we don't seem to be able to believe the alternate thought. Before being diagnosed I spent years getting more anxious because I couldn't do CBT.

Ok so this most recent post, you might be ready to give up, but I'm not buying it. Blunt I know.

Thanks for the Insight suggestion, I will definitely watch this.

So you don't want to head back to the same city, what about another one?

Distinctions in IT, great, so I can seek your assistance while I'm putting together my website!! Is it possible for you to get some IT work where you can work from home?

What does your mum think of your future plans? She gave birth to you, she wanted you in this world, she wanted to love you, care for you, and to give you the best in life. I'm not sure about your return gift. I think she would be devastated to know that you are only existing for her. Anyway you're only 32 so I figure I've got a few more years yet to crack you;))

FYI I'm off to Langkawi tomorrow, I'll have limited internet access, so I may not post as frequently. Please continue to post though. Oh and if you like reading other threads have you visited my "Inspirational Quote" thread?

AG

[jacques]

hi Amber,

i know you will respond to this when you can so don't feel you need to respond straight away, i read up on Google what mindfulness is after you told me about it, it is a very interesting concept, and i am going to try it over the next few months to see if it can make any difference.

going to hospital is not going to happen for the foreseeable future as i have enough anxiety for the moment and thinking about it gets me to the point that i have to pace around the house just to settle myself down, let alone actually trying to go their.

i have ordered the book you recommended and i should have it in 3 weeks time, i am looking forward to reading it.

i have found that CBT is a complete wast of time, it may have made me slightly less anxious but not much.

i can't go anywhere without my mother because of the separation anxiety, and she owns the house we live in and she doesn't want to leave anyway so no i can't move to another city, it looks like i will be stuck in the country for a long time.

my mother knows of my future plans and, at fist she was upset but as time has gone on she has come to realize that i have never been able to be happy or content, and she understands that i have no desire to live once she is gone. 

she has seen and experienced what life has in store for me when she is gone, we were for a long time living on the edge financially we were showering out of buckets, we still have no fridge (hopefully getting one soon) we had no heating, limited transport and very limited food, this is changing slowly now but we lived like this for close to 7 years.

she is a firm believer in you own your own body and it is yours to do with as you wish.

i have already put a deposit on a burial plot, and have told mum to check her will and make sure that if i am unable to go on without her all of her belongings should go to her family.

yes i have visited the "inspirational Quotes" they are very good and the "bad joke" page, and all of the other forums on beyond blue.

the problem with working in IT from home is i still have to have to interact with people on the telephone, email and in person, not to mention i do not handle stress and pressure very well. and you need a lot of money to get setup, my father owned a failed business and i do not want to have people chasing me over debts.

thank you for all of the suggestions over the posts i try to research further on what you have told me about, and really try to see if they make any difference.

thank you

Jacques