panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

I am hoping that finishing this course and becomming fully qualified will give you a much needed boost to your self esteem, you are right it is amazing what we are able to hide, most of my family has no idea i even suffer anxiety, let alone crippled by it.  even my doctor does not know the curcumstances or severity of my anxiety.

i know about coffe becooming addictive, if i don't have a cup of coffe when i wake up i do get headaches and the shaking can get so bad, it is my own fault, when i was in high school i used to go to school of a day, tafe of a night and play computer games until early in the morning, so i needed coffe to keep going, and the need for it has grwn over the years, but does not seem to have the same impact it once did, i suppose i am becomming immune to the good effects of it.

i don't understand how people seem to think they know your sexual prefferences just because you are not in a constant relationship, it is so cruel and makes you feel inadequet, i often fell like their is something wrong with me because i have never had sex or even dated a woman, society has such devistating effects on your mind set with these different pressures they put on us.

the boad is going good, thank you for asking, it should be finished by friday, will make sure i put a picture on here ASAP, and the house renovations have come to a bit of a stand still until after Christmas, i should be back into it in the new year, i will keep you posted as to the improvements.

ah the coffee shop coffee, i can't stand walking past a coffee shop, the smell drives me crazy, but i am too afraid to go inside, too many people, i have filtered coffe at home because it is cheaper than instant coffee were i live, so i ge the good stuff most of the time anyway.

i don't ike treating myself to coffee or anything else, i always feel guilty that when i get a treat i am using tax payers money to do so and fell like i am being judged by people for being on the dole, on tv and mum's friends often talk about how people on the dole are wasting money and i only spend the money on the things i need, bill or food that's it, i suppose it is a mind set too, but i feel obligated to spend the money wisely because others have worked hard for the money i get.

i hope you managed some sleep and look, hump day, only two more to go and you are down to one week, congradulations on making it this far, you are wonder woman, taking on your anxiety and winning.

take care little sis

Jacques

[angelite]

That's where your wrong J I can't get it like this how to I go. I didn't make the Dr, or walk just stuck. I just can't go and get it.

When I detach I forget who I am, where I am, the day,, all that stuff so scary especially when you feel it happen and cant stop it or get back.

I hate this so much I hurt and in so much pain and hate my reaction to it this isn't even existing

[angelite]

Oh forgot sleeping tablet don't work don't know why. And there's that issue of safety.

My parents don't even realize why I was in the mhu that's how much they care. 

P

[jacques]

Hi Karen (big sis),

how did you go today? did you manage to go for a walk?

good god if you are a dumb blond i must be a bit slow too, what you have managed to learn in such a short space of time on your own is remarkable, i have helped people with computers that have bee ntrying to learn for quite a number of years and still are unable to do what you have done.  i don't think i would have been able to learn how to use a computer that quick either, you must be very intelligent to be able to figure it out on your own.

and hey on the plus side at least your shoes are cheap, lol, i can't buy shoes in my size, no store has them, or if they do i only have 1-2 different types to choose from, at least you have many shoes to choose from.

i am worried about you, you have had a really tough week, and you have made it almost to the end of the week, you are one more week closer to less anxiety, less flashbacks.

now, remember the deal i made with you every time you say something unkind about yourself i will say something nice, hear goes you are an amazing woman, you are kind, and you are thoughtful, thinking of others even in your darkest times, you are intelligent and you seem to have an amazing inner strength.

take care big sis, i am always thinking about you

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi j,

I had a real bad day where my facilitator ( supervisor ) abused me in front of everyone my work mates saw what happened and told me to report her to the tafe so a person with phone anxiety me, had to make a phone call today, but tafe was very supportive and thanked me for letting them know what is going on I just don't want to see her tomorrow. 

Anyway can you please make me several cups of coffee tomorrow as I think I will need it I am glad to hear your boat is almost finished and look forward to seeing it. I hope u have a great night big bro

take care 

sparkles 

[Sparkles183]

Hey big sis karen 

another thing we have in common I find things get worse at night time. I wish the anxiety, depression , flashbacks and trauma will  go right now as well and that wish is for all of us.

I know it is hard my mum went through 26yrs of abuse and I saw the pain she went through and I remember when I was 10 she was hospitalised for 2 weeks for a nervous breakdown, and she lost 5 yrs worth of memory for that short period, it was kinda scary it was like she was living what happened 5 years  beforehand or over again, and as we lived in the country at that time they had no mental health unit so she was just in a general ward.

i also saw my dad get away with the abuse, when the police was called I will never forget we felt unsafe and instead of taking him away, the police made us all leave and pay for a hotel and their excuse was he had a business to run in the town.

anyway I thought you be a proud big sister right now as I managed to contact the beyond blue chat line tonight. I hope things are getting better for you and you have managed to see a GP.

take care, and be kind to yourself -

your baby sis sparkles 

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

that is a shame, i hope that tafe find a replacement for her very quickly, it is not fair to be treated like that, but on the upside this week is almost over so one more week and you will never have to see her again.

i am so proud of you calling tafe, that took a lot of courage, and hopefully the take action straight away.

i am struggling with the boat at the moment i am really adgitated and have the shakes really bad today so i have not been able to do much to it today, it is so frustrating, i am always shaking lately, i think the anxiety is getting the better of me, as i always dread this time of year. 

anyway please take care and i hope today is a better day.

Bye Little sis

Jacques

[angelite]

Thanks J

[jacques]

Hi Big sister Karen,

you sound really distressed at the moment, i think you might need to call BB again just to make sure you are safe, i know what it is like not knowing what day it is i often have to remind myself several times a day what day it is, i have a calender above my computer desk and dutifuly mark off the days so i can keep track of the days

Karen, YOU CAN MAKE IT to get your car, you managed to drop it off even though you were suffering severe anxiety, i know it is hard, but just think once you picked it up you will never have to go back their again, it will only be 10 min at the most.if you can't manage that try to email or ring them and ask them if they can drop it off, i know it is hard to make phone calls i can't make them either but you need your car.

have you tried having a radio on lightly or some music while you try to go to sleep, i do this often to take my mind off of things during the night.

i think you really need to get away from your parents, they sound like they are toxic to your recovery, and are slowing your progress, i am sorry i usually think family are important, but if they cause you moreharm than you need to seek assistance to get away from them.

it is tuff knowing that the way you live is not a life, i hate the way i have to live, i only exist too, i am a wast of space and resources, but i have no choice, my mother needs me,  but for you it can pass, their are so many treatments available for PTSD, and Sparkles is right you might try going online and find a private health fund to get some better treatment, and to go into a private MHU, that way you will be safe.

i am worried about you, you sound like you are on the verge of another breakdown, i know i have been their more times than i care to remember, you need to keep yourself safe, if things get too tuff please see if your doctor can make a house call, some doctors do, that way you are in a place fo safty and don't have t owait in the waiting room.

bye & take care big sis, (if i could buy you i nice big bunch of flowers they would be arriving on your door right now)

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi J

Another awful day didn't get my car back, can't manage to get it, unable to walk and failed with the gp. Had to phone bb things are bad if I make a phone call. I'm sure bb is sick of me too. More anxiety, flashbacks they don't improve not even with the medication.

Hope you are ok