panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Sparkles183]

Hi Karen and Jacques,

How has your day been?

My day has been a lot better I woke up this morning had a cold shower, and went to church, I felt like I got to relieve a lot of the tension @ church I gained last week through dancing and loud worship music, I am so blessed to have a great church with an amazing pastor.  we also had our end of year thanksgiving lunch today so it was great to be there after such a hard week

.I decided for now on if I want to relieve the tension I have temporally I will just put loud worship music and just dance I don’t think I will like to relieve the tension on a temporary bases how I attempted to relieve it last night, (now let’s no go there shall we) I know it is not the way to relieve tension, I think it is just harder to control urges and dark thoughts when you feel like you have the wait of the world on your shoulders.

I am sick of living in such a dark place maybe I should turn on the light, lol and I just don’t want to relieve the tension anxiety and depression I been living with on a temp bases I want it to be permanent but I know it will take a lot of hard work and time and I don’t know if I am strong enough or have the patience at the moment  

I also treated myself to some lollies and ice coffee on the way home I call them my antidepressants as I think they work better than the A,Ds I take.. lol 

 I been thinking maybe I need to stop taking the giant steps I been taking and learn to take baby steps and maybe I am taking on too much, but I only have 2 weeks left then I can breathe again yay.

Jacques

I agree with Karen you must be feeling your age right now you are so old ( not) , lol remember I am a whole year younger then you and I still count myself as a young and always get asked for ID lol…  so my point is you are not old you still have your whole life ahead of you, and there is hope.

Anyway sending big HUGS to you both my big bro and Sis

,From your Baby SIS

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

you sound like you have had a very good weekend, i hope you didn't eat all of the lollies, i hope you left some for me, lol.

loud music is wonderful, i listen to music eveyday to get my mind off of things, it seems to work for the most part, you just keep doing what makes you happy and what relieves stress.

i am sure when you start getting back on your feet things will start to become clearer, you will have some tough times, every one does but you will have more good times than bad.

see how you go, i am sure this week will go fast, i am positive you will make it through your trainning, You should be so proud making the step to get on with trainning even though you were struggling and it looks like you are going to make it. a big pat on the back and a hug.

thank you i know i am still young, but with my complex problems and i am still sure i suffer from some sort of autism, i should not be like this, fearing being away from my mother, but at the moment i feel safe-ish so i think i will continue like this for a while, anyway sleep makes the days go by so fast, i don't even remember most weeks as i sleep through most of them. who knows maybe when i am 50 or 60 i can be away from my mother.

by baby sis

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen (Big sis)

Yeh i am feeling pretty sore today, my shoulder is aching and a few scrapes from the branches and a good headache, but lucky for me no broken bones.  hopefully next wekend when i trim the rest of the trees i don't do the same thing.

Karen you need to understand you have been conditioned to this way of thinking, it will take time to heal, i am sure you will in time find yourself a peacful place to call your own and start to believe in yourself again.

you say you have never experianced kindness and compassion or hope, but on BB i am sure you have experianced all of these things, you doctor cares for you too, you just need to see that their are some nice people out their, from what you have said you left hightschool straight into marrage so of course you have trouble seeing anything else, you need to give yourself time, seek help werever you can get it and hopefully one day move on to a new chapter in your life.

i am glad you are seeing that he was the one who made you like this, it is now up to you to "retrain" yourself into seeing the good, kind person you are, he is not their now, he can't hurt you anymore.

I wish i could make that promise with you, but i don't want to lie to you, i can't commit to getting help, i have lived this way for so long, and i am sure their is something wired wrong in my brain to make me fear being away from my mother, i have never been like every other child, i have always developed slower than every one else, who knows maybe my problems are physical too.

i just wish i could help you get the help you so deserve, i would love in the future to hear about your new home and all of the animals and plant life you have and be able to share some stories with you about our homes.  maybe even share tips on home renovations, nothing would please me more.

i wish i could give you some news on e-couch, but i am finding it the same as evey other web site, they seem to keep repeating the same things, most of the information i learned when my father was trainning to be a psycologist, but i will make an effort this week to get back to it.

i hope you make it to the doctors this week.

take care and if you are getting it too, enjoy the rain, i love the sound of rain on the roof, so relaxing.

Bye Sis

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Sparkles

I'm glad you had a better day. 

Sorry about not having a healthy way to release the tention. I struggle with that so I do understand. Have you read Agrace  thread on surfing the urges it may help.

At least you can see that you need to take baby steps it will help. Also try and break your day into hours so you don't become so overwhelmed.

I'm not sure if you said what you are studying, or the qualification you will get at the end. I would be interested to hear.

I'm the black sheep in the family here only finished high school and never really had a job. So I think its wonderful what you are trying to achieve. I'm so proud of you. What a strong person you are.

I'm 43 and I still get asked for I'd.lol so there is still hope for you. We must age gracefully, must be in our genes.

Take care have an awesome week we are with you.you know where to find us. 

Karen

[angelite]

Hey J

Hope you are doing OK. Tough time of year for everyone don't forget I'm here if you need to talk.

I'm worried about you after your fall hope everything is OK.

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i am doing ok, yeh this time of year, i have always hated Christmas, New Year and my Birthday, they are the days i usually try to sleep through, i have not celibrated them for quite a number of years, i just can't wait for it to be over and be back home, i am currently doing the e-couch course, this morning i was working on the boat but m hands were shaking so bad i just had to stop before i broke something on it, it gets so frustrating sometimes, i want to do something but my hands either shake or become unco-ordinated, i don't know if it is the medication or the anxiety.

how are you going today? did you manage to make it to the doctors? how is the weather where you are?

anyway i hope you are able to have a better wee kthis week.

take care and a big hug

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi J,

I saved you some lollies, they are in the fridge but sorry I did not save you any iced coffee as no one can take my iced coffee away from me, can you believe my GP told me not to drink coffee I think I just laughed at her lol.

I understand that you may feel like you have not done much in your life but remember you still have many years left.

Now let me tell you a little bit about myself I been on the DSP from the age of 10 I have only ever had 2 paying jobs, and that was for 2 months each in 2011 and 2012 and I had to quit both jobs because of my anxiety,

I had no choice to move out of home as when I was 17 my parents got a divorce, therefore I had no family home although did get to make a choice if I wanted to go with either parent, but I chose none as I did not want to leave my home town, so I been fending for myself ever since and I had no choice.

I have only ever been in one serious relationship that lasted  2 years when I was 16, I have done many courses and travelled to many places but been too frightened to get a job.

I am 31 years old  have not been in a relationship since 18 with no children and my family keeps reminding me that my time is nearly up  and I have not got a partner nor children. I also feel like a failure as I can’t drive nor hold down a job because of my anxiety

I may be finished my course soon but that makes me feel more like a failure because I feel silly that I wasted two years of my life studying and I don’t know if I can even hold down a job in the industry I know it will take a lot of therapy session before I can even go out and work, it is a very scary thing for me.   But I just have to take one day at a time at the moment as I have no choice.

I am also looking at moving to Perth next year to get away from my family, but I am having doubts if it is the right thing to do right now. I love my family they are just very toxic to me.

Any way sorry for venting I just thought I better tell you a little bit about me,

I hope you are feeling better after your fall.

And who knows maybe one day you will get the help you need.

From your baby sis

Sparkles

[Sparkles183]

hi Karen

Thanks for the info.

I have looked at Agrace, s thread and it has helped in the pass but the thoughts are way too dark at the moment and the urges are even stronger the last 2 nights as it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am trying to take to much on.

I have said in the pass that I will contact BB if the urges gets stronger but I cannot call due to phone anxiety and I keep putting the online chat off and when my anxiety , depression, stress and tension and urges are that their peak it is normally about mid night and by then BB is off line

I don’t think insomnia helps either as sometimes it takes me over 7 hours to get to sleep and by then I have to get up.  4 different professional’s has tried to show me relaxation exercises this year but I have found them very hard to do. Last night was still super hard it took me 7 hours to get to sleep and I only ended up having a hour sleep time I had to get up to go to work but Sat was the worse it was the closest I came to (s-h) since I was 18.

I do know I need to take baby steps but I don’t know how…. As I always been the kind of person who can make a decision in a moment and be living in a different state the next week I have only known how to take a big leap and take Giant steps in my life and I have not known it any other way.

Anyway I have been studying nursing for the past  2 years and about to become a EEN, but I feel a bit Embarrassed about that as there is a lot of stigma attached saying  people with mental health problems should not be working in the health industry.

on a lighter note I think we  both must be sisters still getting asked for ID I guess that is a good thing.

Anyway I hope you have a good week

Take care

 from Your Baby sis

Sparkles

[angelite]

Hi Sparkles

 Well aren't you the smart one in the family, wow that is awesome and you will be perfect EEN. I feel your life experiences will provide you with a level of understanding and compassion that will help to to care for others. 

Just a couple of suggestions from someone that can't make calls, suicide callback have an online service I would not have got through the difficult stuff without their support and understanding  it might be worth looking into. They will help with that too. They are there 24/7.

Lifeline also have an online service which offers the support you are looking for. They will also guide you to make a commitment that will help keep you safe. They are very supportive and don't judge.

1800 respect is an online service that is offered for people who have suffered domestic abuse and rape. They will also provide help when things are difficult they will run through grounding techniques with you and offer plenty of options. Sometime just having someone run through grounding with you step by step is enough. They are available 24/7

There are options available Sparkles you just need to reach out, you never need to suffer alone there are people out there wanting to help.

We have to be related seeing we both have issues with phone calls. Who new.

Remember you are doing a great job but don't forget to ask for help when you are struggling.

Take care  little one I'm a very proud big sister

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

ah well, another coffee addict, me too, i have cut down to 10 cup per day, i have been good lately, i only ever drink coffee and water, i love coffee and could no imagine living without it, if i don't have a couple of cups in the morning as soon as i get up i start shaking which i know is not good, i thnk i may be addicted to it.

Well another day done, just 4 more to go, yay.

I know i am still young, but i also know my life is slowly slipping away and i often think about if i will still be like this in 20 years time, i can't imagine ever being able to leave home, it is just to difficult for me.  the only thing that makes my life something worthwhile is helping my mother with house maintenance, other than that i would have been better off not existing.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, i know from reading your story you suffer greatly from anxiety, but you also show great strength, going over seas, having one partner and at least trying to get some sort of employment, you should be proud of that, because it is definatly something i would not be able to do.

i have to say though it would be nice to have someone special to interact with, to spend time with and to do things with, gardening on my own is fun but it would be nice to have someone to share it with, but i just could not bring myself to make a special someone suffer for my own wants, the way i life is no life for someone else, so i will just sit in wonder what having a special someone would be like.

it is amazing how much pressure people are put under to have a partner and children, i have often been called gay because i have never had a partner, people assume because i have no girlfriend that i am gay, it gets hard and very frustrating, because i would like a girlfriend it is just my anxiety stopping me, people can be so cruel sometimes, it makes me feel like i am inadequate because i have not had a relationship with a girl.  it gets so adgitating telling people you are hedrosexual but are unable to have a relationship because of anxiety.

please don't put too much pressure on yourself about the nursing, their are many people that are in the health industry that have mental and pysical problems, why shouldn't you work in an industry you like.  i am sure when the trainning is finished you will make the right decision, you seem to be a very intelligent woman.

you should not feel like a failure, i spent 6 years trainning to be a computer Network administrator & have no job.

take care Sis

J