panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques,

I did enjoy work today it was just super busy, and it felt like I had no time to breath.

you are allowed to vent when you want I do agree with you 110% that  there needs to be better  accountability over these professionals. often they will finish their studies and open up their own private practice ( just like my old psych did) and no one knows who to complain to.

But their are organisations like( AHPRA) which stands for Australian health practitioners regulation agency, who are their to help keep health practitioners accountable across the board. but the problem is people don't know who to complain to or they are to scared, or cant be bothered to make a complaint.

it sad to hear how you was treated as a joke, just because you  didn't fit the "criteria" for anxiety or depression. they should know they should not put people in a box as we are all different. I hope that one day you will find a good mental health professional that will treat you right and take you seriously.

take care, let me know how your week is going remember I am here for you and your allowed to vent

Take Care

Sparkles  

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

I am so happy that you had a great day, being busy is good, keeps your mind occupied and stops you over thinking things, i know being busy is good for me not to ever think things.  i hope the rest of the week is the same:)

You are right, i did not know you could complain, and you are right i think a lot of people who train in psychology do so to make a lot of money, it is a shame but i suppose thats how the world works, their does not seem to be a lot of compassion in the world today.

i am so glad you have the courage to complain, it is about time mental health professionals are held to account for their actions. you should be so proud

it's ok, over the time i have become used to being made fun of or being trated like i am just being over sensitive, or "putting it on", so it has become a normal part of life for me.

the week has been the same as always, it is like ground hog day every day, but i suppose i am used to it i have been doing it for 14 years, but i am startign to do as Karen suggested and break the day into segments, it seems to work to make the day go quicker, so thats good.

anyway have a good week and i hope the week goes excellent and just remember you are sooooooo close to being qualified, yay!!!!

bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

that's no problem, i like talking to you, and i know how tuff things are at the moment, so i thought hearing about some animals will cheer you up;)

well, the frogs, they are a lot happeir today, we got rain last night and they were singing all night, i just lied in bed listening to them all night, they were happy.

this morning i went for my morning walk, all of the cockatoos were on the side of the road as fat as seals because hey are eating all of the grain on the side of the road left by the trucks carrying the harvest from the farms, some of them stuffed themselves so much they can't fly, they are funny, they don't want to leave the grain so they just hop away from me to continue eating.

my room, well not much to say, i live in the loungeroom, so no privacy, their is a tv, lounge, my computer desk, some book shelves and my bed.  mum has some nice paintings and pictures on the walls of forests and ocean views.  they are nice.

the boat is going well, i hope i am able to finish it beforee christmas, it is all painted and i am starting on the rigging this morning, the sails hopefully go on next week, i don't know if i will be able to continue building them as my hands these days are way to shaky to be able to do such fine work.

i am so sorry to hear about the police visit, you mum should be more supportive, did you think about going back to the MHU? you should, they may be able to help with a psychologist and/or accomodation for you to get out on your own? i feel like such a hypocrit telling you these things when i am unwilling to get help myself, i am just wooried about you, after all you are family now.

how has your doctor been? has he managed to get a psychologist for you? anyway i will stop with the questions, but please only answer if you want, i don't want to put you under pressure, please hang in their....

hey i suppose you would be my older sister;) it is nice, i am an only child so it is good to think i have another person to add to my family, just remember i am here to look out for you, like you are for me.

geeze about 5ft, i would tower over you, i am 6"4', never mind, remeber i am a gentle giant, lol.

i have started breaking the day up now, you are right it does seem to work, makes the days and weeks go by quicker.

anyway a big hug, look after yourself my older sister:)

bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

What a wonderful description of the cockatoos thank you I felt like I was with you on your walk.I would have loved to see that, it did bring a smile to my face.

I like to listen to the frogs at night, I don't sleep much so they are a welcome distraction. Remind me that I'm safe now and don't have to worry.

Must be tough having the lounge room as a bedroom  but it sounds like it has everything you need there. Also a safe place to spend your time so that is great.

The questions are great trying to get my head out of the fog make some sense of my thoughts. I will try to answer them hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

My gp has run out of options, and wants me back in the Mhu. I don't have the courage to see him because I know what he will say. The Mhu doesn't refer patients so that's no help and they don't help find housing. J I know you saw the show on t.v its like that.

My parents are more concerned about how I cause them shame, I'm an embarrassment, pathetic and an inconvenience to them.

Now it's my turn to challenge you. Step in my shoe's for a little while. Might be a tight fit seeing I wear children's shoes because my feet are so small. Lol  Your gp has told you that you have to go to the ed  to be admitted into a Mhu. So now you have to get to the ed  walk through a waiting room full of people wait in line to be seen at the front desk. Then talk to someone explain why you are there. Then you sit in a waiting room full of people could be for a couple of hours. Then the interviews start.  Normally by a couple of people. How would you manage this step by step process I would be interested to know. I'm looking for ideas. I am interested to hear how you would go about that J.

Don't laugh but I'm only 4ft8 I say 5ft because it sounds better. So I can't even imagine someone as tall as you. Everyone is tall compared with me.

I'm glad breaking your day up into hours is helping its what helps me. You may want to try setting a time aside to worry say to yourself eg. At 1:00 allow yourself 10 minutes to worry. Seehow it goes.

Thanks for being here for me I appreciate your time and making me smile. You have shown me more kindness than anyone in my family.. That is really something special.

Karen 

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

yes, i do have everything i need in the loungeroom, my mothers friends find it a bit awkward sitting in the lougeroom that is also my room.  i have lived in the loungeroom since my father died, their is 2 rooms in the house i can't spend much time in, the room i am in now is the room he lived in while he was terminally ill, i just seem to feel safe their. 

i have been frightened ever since he has died, he was my protector, i just feel their is no one to protect me now, i feel like a vulnerable animal waiting for the prey to pounce.

i understand, i don't know how you manage to go their that often, i am terrified to be admitted to the MHU, i could not do it with my seperation anxiety, i would be a nervious wreck, and i understand what you say when you said you wil lbe more damaged after being in the MHU, but i suppose if it means keeping you safe, than it is something you will have to do.

i can't have anything happening to my older sister, can i:)

i understand how you must feel, i cause some of my family and my mothers friends some shame, and i feel ashamed all the time about being a grown man too afraid to leave his mum, but you must remember you need help, this is something that your parents will have to learn, i understand how they feel, they porbably grew up in a time when you did everything the hard way and hid everything from the outside world, my mother is the same, she was treated badly when she was growning up, being forced to "tuffen up", it was just the times.  you have to remember things have changed, i know my mother has a hard time getting used to the way things are done now, and i suppose your parents are the same.

oh my gosh, i would definatly tower over you, i have size 12 shoes, you could probably fit both your feet into one of my shoes.

look after yourself sis, and make sure if you need help you call someone, you know the numbers

take care

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i wanted to write this reply seperatly to get it to you quicker.

how would i deal with the situation you describe, that is easy i do this every time.

whenever i have to go into a hospital, it only takes me about 1-2 min before everything becomes unreal, i feel like a person wondering around the street after a traffic accident, just walking around in a daze.

so hear goes,   i walk into the hospital, i look at the ground (head strait down) until i reach the desk, tell them what i am their for.  i quickly look around to find a seat as far away from people as possible, i sit down, lean forward in my seat and look at the floor, allow my mind to race to block out the noise from people (it makes me feel like i am alone in their) i focus on a mark on the floor, i move my legs to help slow the anxiety, i even sometimes just press some buttons on my mobile phone just as a distraction.

when i get called i get into the room as fast as possible, by this time i am that numb and in such a daze i am struggling to focus on what the person is saying, quickly shake their hand, then sit where the tell me to and focus on the desk, look at them from time to time but mainl focus on the desk, answer their questions with as few words as possible inbetween the stuttering, by this time i am struggling to breath, sweating profusly and shaking like a leaf, once i go numb everything is a daze and i very rarly remember after the interview is over what happened, i get in the car and go home to my safe sanctuary.  that's how i deal with medical interviews.

i hope this does not distress you too much, it is just how i deal with these situations, i hope it has answered your question. 

i am sure you understand what it is like, i think it may be worse for you than me, please hang in their and take the help they offer you, i would be so overjoyed if you manage to get back on your feet again, i know we are both damaged goods, but i am sure you can live life again, you just need help.

take care sis;)

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi J

Thanks for answering that my reaction is exactly the same. The only way I knew who was speaking to me was by the shoes they were wearing. Got confused if they wore different shoes the next day. I can't make eye contact with anyone.

I've got my appointment today four hours I an shaking like a leaf, breathing not great and dreadful chest pains. Still not sure how I'm going to walk in the office and speak. I don't want to be judged people are so cruel and don't understand.

I've only been in the mhu unit once and that was a month ago.  This meeting has nothing to do with that. That's why its so important that I don't show what's happening to me.

Wow J I can't imagine anyone as tall as you lol

I understand about not feeling protected, or having somewhere safe that's why I spend so much time in the car. Being so little I am a target, and because I'm so quiet, so I get feeling like prey for me I seem to attract people who think its OK to abuse me. Not sure why that is. Even in the mhu it was like that.

I would just like my mum to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be OK and. That she will support me. But she doesn't, tells me I'm pathetic, worthless, an inconvenience that they would be better if I wasn't around. Why can't anyone love me am I rally that awful.

Ok have to walk into this place I can even see where to go in I know breathe, this is going to break me.

Yes I know the numbers remember I can't make phone calls lol so pathetic. I'll post if I can

Thanks J I think I see you as my big brother lol if that's OK. I just see myself as little and insignificant. Its just the picture of you l have in my head.

I'm going to focus on the people here the image of you and Tony see if that can give me the strength to get though another day. Hope that's OK.

Take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

you really gave me a laugh, i do the exact same thing, always the shoes, i suppose we both feel intimitated by the world, i can only look at a person for a split second, then have to look away.

i know it is hard but try to relax, the meeting will be over before you know it, and you will be safe again, maybe you need to show how you really feel so people can try to help you, if you are hurting and no body knows how can they help? look you trusted me, and i don't think i have trated you badly, have i? so their is some good people in the world, you just need to find them...

i am sorry i didn't mean to pry into your affairs, i just assumed that it was about the MHU, whatever the meeting is i know you will make it through, as with me it is traumatic but we always seem to make it through. i promise you, you will be ok, just breath.

don't worry about not being able to call BB, i can't make any calls either, so i suppose we are both pathetic, i have not made a phone call in 12 years, and very rarly speak to anyone on the phone, i think i have spoken twice this year to someone on a phone, and i have not made a single call all year, so you see you and i are no different, we both seem to have to battle to get through each day in a busy world, but remeber i am relying on you as you are on me:)

it is always ok, you should always remember the good people in your life, even if you have never met them face to face, we all care about you, you may be little but you are certainly not insignifficant, not to me anyway, you and sparkes are all i have left, you two are now the only ones that speak to me regularly, i have no one else.

please let me know how you got on, feel free to vent if you need to, i know how traumatic it will be, take care and be strong if not for yourself, for me:)

bye sis

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

how is the work placement going, it is nearly the end of another week, just two more weeks and you are all done, yay.

i hope your work mates are kind to you and you are enjoying your time, how is the work, i bet it is very busy, time must fly.

my week has been spent working on the boat and sleeping, i am always so tired, i don't know how you do those long days, i would drop after about 2 hours, i just don't have any energy.

anyway i thought i might just check in to see how things are going.

oh, by the way i read your post regretting never seeking help, i feel for you, you must have had a very tough time with health professionals, but it is good you now seem to be on the right track and getting the help you need.

bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi bro

Out of the meeting, I'm a mess can't drive like this. Wish I could just cry or something.

You are not prying J its just some things I cannot put on bb you know how it is. Limit the distress to others.

We must be related I never thought anyone else only looked at shoe's. I had a nurse that I managed to make eye contact with I didn't recognize her until I looked at her shoes. Lol

Ohwell i have been judged my words twisted, and if i could crawl into a ball and cry i would. Overwhelmed and ashamed feeling so worthless.

It just never gets any better. Got to go see if I can rember to breathe, not up to anymore challenges today.

Hope you managed a walk today and the frogs are keeping you company.

I only trusted you J because I knew you would understand how I feel, we are so similar. I'm so tired of people not understanding me. Thank you for your kindness and not judging me J that means alot.

Thinking of you and thanks for giving me the strength to get through another awful day.

Take care

Karen