panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques

Thank you for welcoming me to join in this thread.

Something I learnt recently no matter what we may think about ourselves in negative way, others will see us in a different light. An example of that I always believed I was dumb even my teachers in high school said I will never become anything in life and when people say that I am smart I feel angry inside and I think they are mocking me. This year a lot of people at TAFE would come up to me saying they think I smart and I thought they was mocking me.

One day I started to say to others that they are smart and very knowledgeable and most people response was they don’t think they are.

I came to realise at that point we are always too hard on ourselves and tend to think of ourselves in a negative ways when others see us in a different light.

I think you are very brave that you can come on here start your own thread and start talking to strangers, I think that is a big step. I also think it is good that you are so open to us, I know I could never be that open that has inspired me to be more open on this forum and speak about things such as my fear of driving that I just spoke to you about. And you getting your licence at such a young age I think that is amazing

I think we may have more in common then you may think in the little things I too graduated in 2000. I get relay lethargic and can only stay out of bed for a few hours at a time , and I feel like I am always on edge.   

These days my attention span is relay small I can’t sit still and relax I feel like I always have to be doing something and I only can do an activity for about 10 minutes at a time so I spend most of the day with the TV on for background noise playing on my IPad.

Anyway I am now going to get ready to go shopping today, looking forward to hearing back from you have a good day.

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi sparkles,

you may be right about our view of yourselves, i too get upset when people say i am smart. It feels like the are patronising me and it sometimes feels like people feel sorry for me.

 it is very difficult for me to see myself as anything other than a failure, i do nothing all day, just listen to the radio, and try to do something on the computer to make out like u am doing something.  it upsets me greatly when family asks me what have i been up to, i find it very difficult to lie so i have to tell them i have done nothing. Which always makes me feel 10x worse.

I too struggle with having a low attention span.  i like reading but can only manage a few pages at a time. I fibd it difficult to watch tv so most days i don't. Just listen to music or meditation podcasts.

 you and i must be the same age, my entire life stopped about 12 months after leaving highschool. I can't say why, but life has not been good since.

 i try to be as honest as possible, as i don't see any point in lying or sugar coating my situation, i kniw it is difficult for some on this forum to hear how candid i am but i am just so over trying to put on a "brave" face just to make it look like i am ok.  as i have said in my last post i am not used to people not making fun of me because of my anxiety. It is so nice to have people like yourself to talk to openly without any humiliation:)

 anyway have a good day shopping, i hope you get some bargins;)

 bye

 jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Sorry I haven't been in touch, I want to but wasn't sure if what I had to say would be detrimental to others.  Still feeling broken but seeking help.

[jacques]

Hi LR,

Don't worry about whether what you have to say will be a problem for others the guys and girls at BB will let you know if what you write is not allowed.

Please Don't apologize for not posting, just post when you feel like it, but i have to say i was getting worried that i hadn't heard from you for a week, i hpe life is not too dificult for you and i am glad you are seeking help.

keep in touch when you feel like it.

Take Care (and a big virtual hug) 🙂

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques How was your day?

My day was ok, I went shopping with my friend and we went to one of the larger shopping centres in my area, as we went to walk in I had to control myself as I could feel anxiety kicking in because of the huge crowds and big open areas within the shopping centre.

Quite honestly I don’t know what is going on in my head lately as I am normally a very extraverted type of person that use to enjoy going to crowded shopping centres. But once I managed to take a few deep breaths and control myself things seemed to get better.

I purposely went out to do crazy things such as going to the most expensive shops that I will never shop at and trying on perfumes, fascinator’s and ugly sunglasses and I am glad I did act crazy and went to the most expensive shops as it did put a little smile on my face which is what I relay need at the moment.

Yes we are around the same age I just turned 31 but I have a theory as I don’t want to get old so I told all my family and friends that once you hit 30 you start going down in age until you hit 21 and then your age starts to go up again and sow on so although I am 31 I am going to start telling people I am 29 and next year I will be turning 28, but that is just my warped silly sense of humour trying to deny that I am getting older  ha ha ha

 I think it is great that you are so honest about your life, I can’t even tell any of my family about my mental illness as I am too ashamed, but I will tell you about that at a later time.

I relay hope I have not offended Amber, Karen and LR by posting on this thread as I hate offending people and you all seem like nice people.

It has been nice talking to you,

Take care

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

i am sure you have not offended anyone by talkingon this thread, i can't speak for the others of course, but i am enjoying talking to you, as i do with everyone who posts here.

my day was fine thank you for asking, i did some renovations to the bathroom today and mowed the lawns, you are so lucky ot be able to go into a big shooping centre, i could not do it, i find it too stressful to be around such large groups of people, the times i do go i get so frightened i freeze were i am walking and can't make myself move, it takes me ages to get the courage to go into a shop.

i am glad you had a good day shopping i am intreverted and always have been, i try to

disaear at any family gathering and have never had many friends, i have always been a "loner".  it sounds fun trying out all the things in the shop though. and it is good you had friends to go with. i don't have any friends and have not had any for about 13 years.

you are such a stong person being able to control the anxiety, being able to go shopping even though you have anxiety, i always run away from everything i fear, i have never been able to control it, i wish i had the courage you do to face it head on:)

my family don't know

i have debilitating anxiety, seperation anxiety, and agoraphobia,  i am good at hiding it too, my family and my mothers friends think i just like being at home, they don't know much, my mother protects me from them and whenever people i used to know ask mum about me she tells them she does not want to talk about me, to save me the embarressment of my life.

please continue to post here if you like, as i enjoy talking to you.

have a great Saturday night, and a good sunday:)

bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Not at all sparkles 🙂 the more the merrier.

 I'm not sure my emotions are stable so I'm not comfortable posting

thank you for the hug 🙂 

I've just been staying home with my ferrets and trying not to let myself go full crazy haha 

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

Wow you sure do have a great network of support here and I'm so glad that people are reaching out to you. You deserve every bit of kindness, you are very important here at BB and people really care, without judgment, we can relate to you and how you feel.

It's been a tough couple of days and I'm finding it difficult to post because of the negative dark stuff going on for me. But I miss talking here, I have been isolated since 1989, this is the only place I get to really talk to people. Its been such a long time and I'm so grateful that people listen to me here.

I do enjoy driving but worry all the time that the car will break down, or a flat tire, overheat, all the silly thoughts. When I was in hospital many years ago my husband sold my car without me knowing I went ten years without one. It wasn't until my grandpa passed away, he left me his car. I used to have to go on public transport which I hated and made me so anxious. These days there is no way possible for me to use public transport so l am glad to have a car again.

I went for a walk today and saw a beautiful blue tongue lizard crossing the trail I stopped for a little while to watch it, as it disappeared into the long grass. It did make me aware that snakes would be out also. That worries me I really don't want to come across one.I usually walk 10 km but since I've been in hospital I'm only just managing 5 km. Bit slack but just can't shake the physical and emotional exhaustion. Even my joints and muscles are hurting. Not sure whether it's the medication or not.

Hope you enjoy the weekend and the weather where you are is better than Melbourne's cold, wet and windy, yuck. I really could do with a few sunny days to warm up a bit. Really cold fo sitting in the car.

Take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi LR,

i am sorry you are going through a tough time, i hope it works it's self out quickly as to not cause you too much distress.

it is good you have the ferrits to keep you company:) what are their names?

Hi Sparkles,

Yes i can't believe their are so many people even interested in my situation, i find it hard to comprehend.

i have been struggling with dark stuff too, and i know what it is like to not be able to post here, so please just post when you feel like it, i will understand as it seems we are both going through the same things mentally.

i know what you mean, it has bene a long time for me too, maybe not as long as you though, but you are right it is nice to talk to people on here without jugement, and without any humiliation.

That is terrible your husband doing that, but it sounds like you grandfather loved you very much, and i am happy at least you are able to enjoy something, even if it is just driving. 

geeze i can only manage 3km, and i have been walking for 7 years, i just don't ever have the energy to go any further, not to mention it gets busy where i live when i get home from my walks, so i have to be back inside.

my lack of energy is a mixture of medication and depression, i am lathargic and sleep a lot, but i am always

tired, it is an effort just to get up let alone do anything.

the weekend was good, i achieved what i wanted and the sun is shining, but it would have been nice to get some of your rain, it is starting to dry out here and it

looks like the farmers will have to endure another drought here, the could come over but no rain:(

i am lucky with my mothers car as the heater

wirks really well, but it is not pleasent in the summer as it has no airconditioning, but the car is mostly reliable.

i hope everyone had a good weekend.

Take Care

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques

Thank you for your reply. Sometimes I think I am a waste of peoples breath and time and I think everybody hates me but at them times I have to stop and take  a deep breath and think that the thoughts is just depression playing tricks with my mind and the thoughts I am having is not the truth.

So I relay appreciate people such as yourself, taking their time to reply to me.  I have to laugh at myself sometimes, I have spoken to so many people on these forums and I still get anxiety every time I post and I have to reread my post at least 10 times before I hit the post button because I fear what others will think. But even in everyday life if I am speaking to someone that I don’t know I have to recite what I am going to say to them in my head before I can speak. But that is anxiety for you it is not a nice thing live with

Thank you for saying I am a strong person, sometimes I do think I am too weak and can’t control

my depression but I have no choice at the moment as I know if I don’t do something about myself and force myself to go on regular outing, as I know I will get worse and may end up in a public hospital if nothing is done and that is the last thing I want to happen to me.

Also it is good practice for me as in a weeks’ time I will be starting 5 weeks of work experience in a highly stressful position and time I catch public transport it will work out to be 12 hour days and I will be working 5 days a week. I am feeling very nervous about working but I know if I want to graduate I have to do it otherwise it will be a waste of 2 years of study.

sparkles