panic attack at seeing people i know

jacques · ‎05-06-2014

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

AGrace · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Little.Rascal, (and J)

Good to have you back with us. I was worried when we didn't hear from you for a little while. The system error can be quite annoying, copying and pasting can help, so that you don't have to rewrite your message all over again - especially if it's a long one. Technology huh:)

I guess it's hard for me to believe that my partner deserves me, because, like Jacques, I don't often love and have compassion for myself. It's something I'm working on, and I have come along way, but sometimes even little things cross my path and get in the way of my progress.

Weight is one of those things. I spent so long working for a company, in fact working in an industry where image is EVERYTHING that I feel partially brainwashed into believing that if I'm no good on the outside, it's no wonder I'm flawed on the inside. I recall everyone being so envious of me for my job, thinking that I was living in luxury, that everything was beautiful and indulgent. On the inside it was just a massive amount of pressure. I could never switch off. Even outside of work hours (whatever they were), I would have to think about my image. It wasn't strange for me to be painting my nails, whilst driving my car & talking on my phone because I'd noticed a chip in my nail polish on my way to work - that had to be rectified. The saddest part was that I was teaching people (often younger than me - impressionable aged people) to be just like me. I was teaching people how to be perfect when on the inside I was a bomb just waiting to detonate. I still carry so much guilt around this, and yet, I still can't let go of this primal need to be perfect.

So you want to do DBT? Is it something your Psychiatrist has suggested? (sorry if my memory is off) Do you do any outpatient programs already? The programs I've done so far have probably been the biggest help in my recovery. Being around people who understand can often be more healing than seeing a Psychiatrist who just thinks they understand. I'm looking forward to DBT because I find it helps to be around people who actually have Borderline - you don't feel like you are the only defected person on the planet:)

I'm thinking that you mean Cortisol? Which is released by the adrenal cortex. An imbalance can cause stress, fatigue, or heightened states of emotional response.

I guess we all wake up wanting to be normal, I'm happy to be abnormal among the 3 of you though:))

Let us know how your Psych visit goes.

Amber

AGrace · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Jacques,

I just finished watching part one of the 3 part documentary. I won't be able to watch parts 2 and 3. I cried for the whole hour, in pity and disgust. If this is how all public Psychiatric wards operate then the minister for health, Peter Dutton, has a lot to answer for.

Others may think of me as pretentious, and that's something I can accept, because I know how hard I've worked to ensure I could always afford private hospital cover. I also recall my mum telling me, at age 23, when I was no longer covered by family private insurance, to live on rice if I had to in order to afford private care.

I will try to void my response of emotion and just present the facts in comparison to my experiences in private facilities. I do have to say though that hospitals run like this are one of the key reasons for what they call "revolving door" patients. Patients who are discharged only to be re-admitted soon after.

AGrace · ‎10-10-2014

There are no student Drs, and the ratio of Psychiatrists to Patients is vastly different. One Psychiatrist will have no more than 12 patients. In Liverpool it appears as though there is only one head Psychiatrist. You also have to see your Psychiatrist on the day of admission, and every day, or every second day after that. I was astounded to hear that Sandra didn't see Dr Cross for 7 days!

There is no High Dependency Unit in Private Care, as the entire hospital is dedicated to Psychiatry, so there are no separate wards as such. In a hospital the size of the Melbourne Clinic (approx. 250 beds) there are various units, but this is more from a geographical point - nothing to do with whether a patient is acute or not.

There are some student nurses, but they are buddied with a qualified nurse, and they don't oversee the care of any patients, they are merely there to learn and assist.

In Private Psych hospitals you have your own room, which has normal bedroom furniture (not a hospital bed). You also have your own bathroom. Medication is not delivered to you, you need to attend the nurses station. A patient cannot refuse medication as patients are there voluntarily, and agree to participate actively in their treatment.

There is not always an outdoor area for exercise, but usually morning walks are conducted by resident clinicians. The hospital I went to recently also held Yoga classes twice a week. Patients are required to attend programs during the day, so there's not just people wandering around doing as they wish.

There are no Security Guards. If a patient is violent or threatening toward a patient or member of staff then they are medicated or discharged.

Meals are served in a communal restaurant and there is a choice of food, so no, everyone doesn't eat weet-bix for breakfast or vegemite straight from the container. You also don't eat with plastic cutlery and foam cups.

Relatives of patients don't work at the same hospital, this should be unethical practice in all hospitals. There is also no physical touching between patients and Dr's.

I'd also point out that abc have intentionally filmed 3 patients, all with Bipolar. This is not an accurate representation of the patients who are admitted to hospitals.

I also want to conclude by saying that one could easily end up with a bad case of depression from watching this documentary. In all honesty, I don't think it should have been broadcasted.

Amber

Little_Rascal · ‎10-10-2014

I'm so sleepy, I was so hypo 30 mins ago aaahhh!

Glad you like the name change too, a few people didn't want to call me feral hehe I never wear shoes and eat with my hands a always lick the plate, its been a bit of a cute nick name for a while 🙂 Little rascals is also my fav movie!

Jacques, please don't fear talking to us, I enjoy talking to you both. And the fact that it worries you and you do it anyway is HUGE!! My mum cries when I'm in a bad mood, I know the guilt 😕 I eat crazy healthy cos I have so many food allergies and exercise, for a chick its a lot harder though 😞 I'm so glad you like talking to us 🙂

Amber, wow, that must be so hard, I worked at a job where they asked me to wear heel and make up to work, I was in shock, I was so used to having pink hair and working check outs or with the boys. you shouldn't feel guilt, it wasn't your intention to do bad. (hope that makes sense, im so sleepy !!!) You seem amazingly courageous, and with your heart in the right place,an inspiration 🙂

Yeah saw my psych, got some new meds to try, some anti ds and some other meds for the nightmares along with the mood stabilisers. Ive heard so much about DBT and he suggested it over CBT and hes going to look into getting me on the waiting list for the perth clinic, fingers crossed, when im stressed im so angry or sad I just cant do anything, my head forms this mental block, mindfulness, like meditation gives me panic attacks haha I havnt done any other programs yet, not too sure what is available, but hopefully this is a start ! it does help talking to people who actualy experience it, my bfs sister has it, but shes just nasty, she knows shes manipulating people and doesn't care, she causes drama and doesn't care who she hurts even though shes fully aware of what shes doing. I know that's apart of it, but I'm very aware of what i'm doing and try so hard not to, or at least acknowledge it and apologise.

sometimes docos on awareness can do more harm 😞 I experience the public sector with my ex, he had induced psychosis, the private sector seemed a lot more caring.

oops yep cortisol, mum went in to labour with me at 7 months and had to be given drugs to stop it, ive always been very heighten emotionally.

I really enjoy talking top the both of you!

jacques · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Amber and LR,

i am so sorry i put you through that, i just needed to know if that is what i was in for if i ever was forced to go into one of these facilities, unfortunately for me i will never be able to afford private health cover, watching that series has made me more scared of getting help, if i ever decided too, maybe i am better living the way i am, it is not great but it is as calming lifestyle as i will ever be able to achieve.

thank you for your input, but i think you are wrong about ABC not broadcasting this series, yes it makes one depressed, but people need to see what it is like for the poor, Australian society is so insulated from what life is like for the disadvantaged, i have had so many family members and mums friends saying to me how wonderful it must be to be disadvantaged, and it makes me so angry, because you are always treated like a lesser person because of your financial situation, even the state and federal government echoes this sediment which is so unhelpful.

oh LR i forgot to say, yes i do like animals wildlife to be more to the point, i seem more comfortable around animals than humans, i think because they don't judge or put you down, they just go about their daily business oblivious to me watching them. i don't think anything will give me confidence though, i have allowed my problems to fester for so long and it is so ingrained the physiological response is strong when i have to go out, it is just easier to stay home.

i hope LR you are able to fix your computer problems soon.

anyway i am about to watch the third part of the documentary, it almost brings a tear to my eyes,but i just can't stop myself from watching it, i need to know, no matter how distressing it is, but i have to say i am no where near needing hospital treatment looking at some of the poor souls in these documentaries, i feel so sorry for people who have no support at all, i am so lucky to have so much support from my mother.

bye

Jacques

Little_Rascal · ‎12-10-2014

Hey Amber,

What sort of calming techniques do you use? Or dbt/cbt/mindfulness do you use for your emotions?

Just got put on some anti ds for my irritability and anger, I know the waiting list is long so I want to help myself in the mean time.

Cheers 🙂

Cas

AGrace · ‎12-10-2014

Hi Guys,

LR - Pink hair, wow:)

I recall about 14 years ago I got my hair cut "boy" short. I was working for YSL at the time. I was going through this phase of not wanting to be the prettiest one among my friends anymore. I was a little anti men, due to some past experiences, and I was tired of men hitting on me all the time. My manager came into work one day and told me "it's a little too Gucci, and not enough Yves Saint Laurent". Suffice to say it was not long after that I resigned and moved to another brand.

Good luck with the new medication LR, I hope you don't experience too many side effects from the changes. Be gentle with yourself over the coming weeks as a precaution.

DBT, as I said is something that I feel like I've been waiting for forever. Friday was a tough day all round. I had my DBT assessment, and cried most of the hour. It's hard realising how much work you've done and also taking stock of where you are still at. It's also difficult when you have to talk about the past, and what's brought you to where you are today. The assessment coupled with the documentary left me feeling horrible all day. That's one of my symptoms though. I can't seem to come down off my heightened emotion and because I'd been awake since 3;30am I was too exhausted, and lacked the motivation to do anything to help myself. When I was little people used to tell me that I had an overactive imagination because I couldn't get rid of the feelings brought up watching sad or horrifying movies. Now I know it's just because I don't have the capacity to regulate my emotions. Hopefully DBT will give me some more skills to deal with this.

J - You're right, I think it's fair that others get to see what it's like for those of us who are disadvantaged, I just don't think it was a true reflection of even what the public mental health system is like. The media always likes to show the worst possible case scenarios, hence every patient they showed had Bipolar, and every patient was from a low socio-economic demographic. Did you notice how Sandra had enough money to breed dogs, yet not enough to afford private cover? They also focussed on acute patients who required high levels of care. It's not all like that.

Secondly, when you are bad enough to be in hospital you don't tend to notice much of which is happening around you. You're either dosed up on meds, or you're in your own little bubble. I'd stay in a public hospital if I had no private cover.

Amber

Little_Rascal · ‎12-10-2014

Yah it's a steel blue at the moment 🙂 I had bright blue hair when I meet my bf, he still calls me smurfette.

I used to do the same thing, dress very weird so blokes didn't hit on me... turns out there's a bit of a fetish for young goths 😕

Oh wow that's pretty full on!!! My mum has experienced some of that stereotyping and snobbyness in a chanel store, she refuses to endorse brands that treat people that way. It's so hard, but that's the industry 😞 when I worked at pindan they told me to wear heels everyday, wear makeup get my nails done and only one pair of ear rings in each ear. It was the one time I had normal hair color too haha. I also got criticized for eating star burst "Their naughty"

You looked stunning in your previous pic, im sure u rocked the short hair!

I couldn't leave the house from bad dreams that stemed from movies, if I hurt my mums feelings id self harm or over eat or purge. I got sent to psychs and diagnosed with adhd because of how overactive and distracted I was because of day dreaming. I didn't grow up with other kids so I had to grow up quicker and couldn't relate to kids my age. Wow one good gp has opened Pandoras box and I am so excited to tackle my issues head on, I did one cbt group session for a friend's assignment I twitched cried and chewed my inner lip the whole time.

Still not sleeping the whole night? 😞

Jacques hope youve had a few good days. I studied conservational wildlife biology and loved it, loved looking at things under a microscope, made me feel so insignificant and in awe 🙂

I finally drew a pic that im proud of and didn't have to think super hard for. I'm feeling optimistic 🙂Cas

jacques · ‎12-10-2014

Hi Amber & LR,

Amber you are right, the media do show the worst, to get better ratings, and yes i did notice how Sandra had the money to breed dogs, but you have to understand looks can be deceiving, people probably look at me and say he has money why can't he afford private health cover, but on a good week i am lucky to have $20-$10 left after expenses, not to mention i never know when the government is going to discontinue my pay and with the uncertainty of it all, i can't commit to anything.

I Am so sorry to put you though the emotions of watching the documentary, i feel awful for it, please accept my apologies, i will never do it again.

well i have had a good nights sleep last night, the first one in 3 weeks, i feel pretty good today, did some more yard work, it was nice to be outside, i can't wait for next weekend, to get out of the house.

LR, Pink and blue hair, i have had my hair all different colors too, when i was going through that phase in high school, wow brought back some good and not so good memeories i have not thought about in years. i feel so sorry for women in general, having to fit into a perfect image, always being disrespected by men, and not being able to be yourself at work, it is not right.

i have always felt awkward around women, i think it might be my anxiety, when i had a few friends at high school they used to hit on every girl they could find, and it always made me feel awkward,, i suppose because of my anxiety i have never been able to talk to women and therefore have never had a relationship with one.

i Agree, LR, looking at the world and the animals in it, let alone space, it does make one feel very small, sometimes even insignificant, but there is something so innocent about animals, they never do anything just to hurt something else, they are not destructive like humans, i wish their would be a way for their to only be animals on earth and no humans, i see so much death, destruction and cruelty on TV it makes me not want to be part of the human race. and before you say it Amber i know i am generalizing, but their is so much suffering in the world, you can't disagree surly?

LR i had the same problem, i felt more comfortable around adults than kids my own age, i am proud of you seeking help with so much enthusiasm, good for you, i hope it goes well.

i too was diagnosed with ADHD, i could not concentrate very well, looking back at it now i think it may have been misdiagnosed as i think it was anxiety.

Bye U 2

Jacques

Little_Rascal · ‎12-10-2014

ave a business with my bf, but work as a gardener once a week because I love it so much, I don't even care if I get paid!!! Im just happy digging weeds listening to my head phones and being in the dirt, the sun and dirt has crazy healing powers I reckon !

Sorry it brought back memories, I haven't had natural hair color since 15, I love the steel blue or the fluro pink haha.

I didn't become feminine until about 19 I was so shocked at the attention I was getting it was so strange. I've always been a tomboy with dirty hair no shoes drinking with the boys. Or adults. It's so strange not having a true childhood, I kinda acted out in uncontrollably burst of really stupid immature acts. Was very strange.

I also over talk or turn to "intimacy" when I feel awkward. My fella fell in love with my awkward over talking, I just kept asking left of center questions, but simple like fav animal, never had to work what would u do, travel anywhere where would it be??. My face was so red the entire time the first few dates.

I agrer and disagree with the animal, dolphins are aggressive for no reason, there is also so much torment in the animal world. I was a vegan, I love eating meat but hate the agriculture aspect and their treatment. I do belive that humans have done a lot more damage to the environment with little input or understanding. I think that loss has impacted our mental health a fair amount.