panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Little.Rascal and Amber,

Sorry i haven't posted the last few days, i have been too anxious to, thank you once again Little Rascal for the kind words, and Amber you have nothing to apologize for, what you said was true and it is good you show emotion when sending me a reply, and you were right in what you said, i don't know what i want and it is frustrating to me, let alone anyone else.

Thank You for the story about the gentleman you spoke of, it is great he was able to get back on his feet on his own, and rebuild his life, it is amazing what the human brain is capable of. and having the will power too helps, maybe one day i will realize too that their is a reason to live.

sorry i don't want to write anymore because i think i will regret what i say, so i will leave it at this for the moment. i seem to be in a very depressed and agitated state, will try to write soon.

Bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Write it somewhere, keep it or destroy it, get it out so it doesn't fester.


I was very nasty to my mum this morning, depressed and agitated after horrible nightmares, she wasn't availible when I wanted her to be, very selfish I know.

Writing down in a continuous train of thought helped to take it out of my head, a form of mindfulness.

Hope tomorrow is a better day

Cas

[AGrace]

Hi guys,

J - Forgive me for being blunt again, I think you do know what you want. I just think that, like the rest of us, you might be scared of hoping for it in case you can't make it happen. Also don't ever feel like you have to regret anything you write here. It's your thread - we are just happy you have taken us on as guests:))

Cas - You're right, writing it down always helps. Sometimes it's nice to just allocate an hour a day to writing blindly. I actually came across a few notes that I'd written to myself at the beginning of the year. Wow, I was so ready to throw in the towel. Now I'm just glad that I was able to hang on to the only fragment of hope that was still lingering, and I pulled through.

So I've spent this weekend at my sister's beach house on the Fleurieu Peninsula in SA. It's been both relaxing and active at the same time. It's also meant that I have had lousy internet connection, hence not replying to both of your posts sooner. I've been hanging out with my 2 nieces, they're 6 and 8, so they've definitely kept me active. I even had my first attempt at boogie boarding. It was so much fun they were begging me for their boards back, and I kept saying just one more go:)) We also went on some really long walks, my new wakeup time and no internet left me with little else to do than walk at 4am:)

I also have to say, you know you're in the country when you start seeing signs for cow's crossing. J - I kept an eye out for Latte & Espresso's relatives. We were also hand feeding magpie's which was pretty cool. I saw so many alpacas that I now think if I ever do get a farm I'll add these to the "crèche". The weather's been amazing, I actually got sunburnt - something quite unheard of in Melbourne!

What have you guys been up to? Jacques, I hope your anxiousness has settled, and that you managed to have a nice weekend. Cas, I think it was you who suggested the book "Wired for Life", I've downloaded it, thank you. I also came across a book on perfectionism, by one of my favourite authors and spokespeople, Brene Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfection", so I'm reading this at the moment.

Take care x

Amber

P.S Cas, I noticed your change in username, I like the new one much more, it's kinda cheeky:)

[jacques]

Hi Amber and LR,

you may be right, sometimes i do want change, and sometimes i don't it gets so frustrating to have to live the way i do, seeing and hearing about how everyones life is so busy and on the most part going well, and seeing that my life has been at a standstill for 14 years, it is still so hard for me to believe that it has been that long. 

I am not afraid that my life might not get better i am frighted that it will, and i will have to deal with the fact that i have wasted my entire twenty's living in fear and isolation.  not to mention i might have to leave my mother, which i still can't do, it still makes me feel inferior and ashamed i am 32 years old and am still frightened to leave my mother, i feel like an infant, it is humiliating.

this is why i am so frightened to meet a woman, because this might mean leaving home and actually having to have a life. so i sit here paralyzed, no life, no friends, no partner, no job, no assets, no car, no savings, relying on others for everything................ it was not worth the money and time it has cost my mother and father to have me, they would have been better living a happy life without having me............

I had my aunt stop by this weekend for a couple of hours, i was shaking like a leaf the whole time, and i was so paralyzed with anxiety i was unable to speak. the whole time just giving one word answers.

i am sorry LR but writing my thoughts down doesn't seem to help me, just make me focus on them more, i have been trying mindfulness techniques but am still unable to settle my anxiety.........

i am so glad you had a holiday Amber, and with some of your family too, the beach is great isn't it, i used to go to the beach every weekend when i lived in Queensland when i was younger, dad, mum and i had such a great time.  how did you go staying away from all of the baby animals?:) i have been watching the lambs at the moment, two nights ago while i was in the middle of a panic attack one of the lambs got into another paddock and ate all of the plants and when the care taker arrived they were in BIG TROUBLE, and they knew it, they bolted into the flock of sheep as to not be identified as the culprits, cheeky little buggers.

the weekend was a disaster, i just couldn't keep my mind on what i was doing and ended up giving up what i was doing and going to sleep, i am so tired all of the time, and it is getting worse by the week, i am only able to stay awake for about 2 hours and i have to sleep.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

Of course it would get really frustrating, no one is taking that away from you. And it must be hard for you to hear other's stories of recovery, or even just coping well, and you have every right to be angry, because it's not fair that this has had such a huge impact on you, and your family.

I can understand your fear, and I would say it's completely natural. If you weren't scared of anything then you wouldn't be the way you are now. I was in a lift the other week and I was reading some deodorant ad, and they used the word fearless. I started thinking to myself "Imaging being fearless. Imagine never having to worry about anything else ever again." Then I stopped myself. I realised this was just another attempt at thinking like a perfectionist. It wouldn't be good enough for me to be unafraid, unembarrassed for some moments in my life, I would have to be completely fearless - It's impossible, and something none of us can aim for. But we can aim to be fearless SOMETIMES.

Well done for even talking with your aunt, one word answers are better than not talking at all. I'm sure she was happy just to see you.

Have you asked your mum if she would do it all over again? Just remember it's the anxiety and panic that has you thinking that you can't be without your parents. From memory, you go for walks and bike rides, so there are some moments in life when you are without your mum. Other moments you haven't tried lately, but the anxiety will have you believing "All or Nothing" thoughts.

Don't worry about not being able to keep your mind off things at the moment, just try to accept it as it is. Are you doing progressive muscle relaxation as well?

Sending you a really big hug xx

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

first off nice picture, it is you in the picture holding the sign? it is very artistic anyway.

yes i have been listening to Tara and practising total muscle relaxation, it does not stop my anxiety but it does give me something else to focus on, and i can't believe how tense i get when anxious even when lying in bed, by whole body just about.

my mood has lifted a far bit, so i was only down for about a week which was good, sorry i didn't reply much last week, i was not in the mood and thought i would regret what i said, even though you said i should have said it anyway.

thank you for understanding, as you probebly understand the frustration too, and yes my anxiety has a huge impact on my mother, i started watching a documentary on abc called changing minds, it is part 1 of a 3 part series about the mental health hospital in liverpool, i was wondering if you have seen it? and if so how does it compare to your time in one? is it a realistic portrayal or not? anyway part 2 is tonight and part 3 is tomorrow night at 8:30pm on ABC. if you would like to watch it.  just watching it almost brought me to tears seeing how bad shape some of the patients are, gosh i hope i never reach that stage, i know you don't watch much TV so don't feel the need to watch it just for me, i was just wondering your point of view.

i know it is a bad thing to have no fear but i am the polar opposite i fear everything, and it is just as crippling, it would be nice just to live like a normal person with normal moods, and normal emotions and thoughts.  even though i no that will never happen.

i think my aunty did enjoy the visit, but i think she is sad too to see how my life has turned out, as do the rest of my mothers family, but none of them are game enough to say anything, i feel so sorry for them, it must be very shameful to have a neview like me, considering how successful all of my other cousins are.

i can garentee you that my mother would not go through the hell she has been through for the past 20 years, caring for a disabled husband and then caring for a pysically heathy child, it has destroyed her financially, physically and emotionally, i am so angry at myself for allowing my mother to suffer the way i have, i know it is nobodys fault, but why did she have to end up with a child like me, it would have been nice for her to have a normal child.

How is uni and your website? i hope you are keeping busy?

Thank you for being so supportive.

Bye 

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

It's not me in the picture, but looks a lot like me. I came across the image and thought it was quite fitting:)

I'm so glad to hear you're mood has lifted. I know it can get really frustrating when things are already crappy enough without feeling like crap on top if it all. I actually had a melt down last night, so I wasn't on the forums, and have just seen your reply now. I had a lousy day at uni - I snapped at my facilitator. Then I came home still really angry, wanting to self harm, using every bit of energy not to, and by the time my partner came home I was a blubbering mess. Of course after all of that the guilt crept in, and I started feeling sorry for my partner, who quite literally deserves someone better than me. I saw my Psychiatrist this morning and we talked it through which made me feel much better. I then had a really good afternoon at uni, which has kept me feeling positive.

I'm really struggling with the weight issue, and it sounds really superficial, but I'm doing so much to try to lose the weight I gained on the medication, and often it feels like I'm banging my head up against a brick wall. I had to exchange a pair of pants last week that were too small for me, so I tried on the next size up, and they fitted fine, then by the time I went to wear them when I was in Adelaide they were too small. It just seems like I can't win this battle. So between trying not to self harm and trying not to slip back into anorexia I'm just exhausted some days.

I did get some good news this week. I'm going to start DBT at the end of the month, so I no longer have to wait until next year. I've been waiting for a spot for over a year now, so I'm excited to finally be starting:)

How is uni? Really good (except I don't like the teaching style of one of my facilitators). I'm really enjoying the content, and now we know enough to start practicing in class, so there's more practical, and less reading. My class on Thursdays is conducted by a Psychologist and she is really nice and very relaxed. The people in both classes are also really nice.

How's my website? Pretty good, the facebook community is growing by the minute. I now have close to 1000 members.

I hadn't watched the ABC show, but I will take a look because I'm intrigued. I will say though that I've only ever stayed in Private Hospitals, and from what I hear they're much better.

[AGrace]

...Sorry I ran out of characters:)

It would have been nice for my mum to have 4 normal children, rather than 3 and a black sheep, but that's not how life worked out for her. I'm sure sometimes she wonders why I'm so different to the others. Your mum loves you, she can't help it, she's your mum, I think if you actually asked her rather than making an assumption she'd tell you that she wouldn't trade you in for another child. It's an interesting topic though, knowing that I want to be a mum, I know in my heart that I'd love my child no matter who, or how they were....That's just what mums do, and most humans for that matter.

You don't fear everything. I think there's some work to be done on overgeneralising things. You don't fear drinking coffee, for example. I hope you don't fear chatting with me. I agree you fear a lot of things, but look at the lack of opportunity you have to prove that fear wrong. The amygdala is so reptilian that unless you can prove something is not a threat, it will treat it as potentially threatening. Among many others, it's one thing I wish I could change about myself. (People with BPD have a smaller amygdala than most humans, hence we are in this constant state of heightened emotion).

Regarding your aunty, I'm sure the word shame has never even entered her mind. She might feel empathy or even sympathy, but I'm almost certain she doesn't feel ashamed of you. Gosh, what would she feel if you were a child with a physical health problem such as down syndrome. The answer is she would still love you. I know it's difficult for you to even fathom other people loving you, primarily because I don't think you love yourself. I understand what this is like, trust me. Google Brene Brown and see what she has to say about living a wholehearted life, shame, guilt, self love and compassion.

Ok, I best not bore you with too much more. BTW I keep looking at the picture of the little calf thinking he's going to run through my computer screen:))

Amber

[Little_Rascal]

Ive been trying to reply but have gotten a system error 3 times after writing huge replies 😞

Amber, glad you liked the book, I would love to take credit, but it was not me that suggested it 🙂 I read through my old writings from a very young and dark period, they scare the hell out of me! I burnt a few books when I was moving in with an ex because they scared him too, we both felt it would be a form of therapy to get rid of them.

Jacques I know what you mean in regards to writing seems to make you dwell on it, I had not written for 7 years, and lately whilst writing it hurts, but after I feel a bit of relief.

you seem very into nature and animals, I'm sure there is something there that could give you confidence that you could hold on to whilst leaving the house? I've recently asked my fella to write down some of the things that he likes about me for when I leave with out him, I feel it will help with my confidence issues? When I was working as a full time gardener I also felt that the same, I had confidence in the knowledge I was good at my job and that helped a lot in social situations.

Good on you staying and talking to your aunt!!! take pride in every victory 🙂 I don't think she would feel ashamed of you, maybe sorry you're hurting so much? and your mother is her own person, I recently made the mistake of assuming how a person felt about a situation and as a result the last few weeks I have been very sick, nightmares, body aches and severe anxiety, when I address this person, her response was so different from what I expected.  

Every day I wake up the same "why can't I be normal?" but talking to people on here, makes me realise, "normal" is not real I suppose, that what's normal for one person might not be normal for another.

Amber I am so sorry to hear about your bad day and your weight, I am having the same issue with medication and weight, my zipper in a pair of shorts broke, my work jeans zipper doesn't stay up and I don't have enough large tops to cover the muffin top.

Your partner deserves you!!! from what I can tell on here you have such a huge heart, you too Jacques, you both care so much about the people around you and it affects you so much how they are feeling.

I want to do DBT I am going to talk to my psych about it on Friday, hope it helps!

I wonder if the amygdala is connected to the stress hormone cortisone? I have very high cortisone levels

Sorry I'm not much help guys, been a very rough few weeks

[jacques]

Hi Amber & LR,

Actually i do fear taking to you and LR, worried that what i say will affect both of you and my hands shake most times i write a reply, and i worry for hours afterwards about what effect my words may have on others, seeing what effect i have on family, i can bring most of them to tears when i am in a slightly dark mood, none of them have seen my severe dark moods, i am good at hiding it. and as far as the coffee goes i may not fear it, but i worry what effect it is having in my anxiety, but i need the caffeine to stay awake and because i am addicted to it.

i know i am overgeneralizing, but i could count on one hand what i am not afraid of, there are so many things i am scared of, and i never feel safe.

i am so sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday, i understand how upsetting it can be when there is someone you don't gel with, but please don't say your partner doesn't deserve you, you are such an amazing person, i wish i had someone like you around my area to be friends with, it would make life more tolerable, you have no idea how good it is to talk with someone my own age, you are the only person my own age that i have spoken to in 13 years, and LR you too, i have not spoken to anyone out side my family in 13 years, and you two are the only ones i interact with now, i have no one else.

Amber and LR you should focus less on your weight and more on eating healthy and exercising regularly, i exercise for about an hour a day, every day, and i am still putting on weight, i think i have gained 10-15KG in the past 6 months, but i know my weight will fluctuate and i have just accepted that. (i know it is different for men, i know the pressure you woman are under to be a certain weight).

I am so glad you are able to get into the DBT classes, i hope it goes well
and you get some benefit out of it.

i am so glad your website is going well, you should be so proud of yourself, helping others while yo are recovering yourself.

as for mum, she used to be such a gentile and caring person, now she is so angry and bitter, like me, and all since i became home bound, it fills me with such shame to have done this to her, she deserves better.

sorry LR to hear that you have had a rough few weeks, me too, but i seem to have snapped out of it, and i hope you do too.

you are right Amber i do hate myself, i always have, and i don't think that will ever change, i am fat and lazy, and i should have done more to help myself when i had the chance.

Please take care U 2

bye

Jacques