panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry i was not able to leave a message last night.

i feel better today, i slept most of yesterday i was so exhausted, and when i was awake i was eating and shaking uncontrollably, so i could not do much.

one thing you forgot to mention, i don't know how you manage to get joy out of talking to me, but you forgot we are both bad for your health;)

sorry, i forgot to tell you latte and espresso have been sold, and their mothers too, the pig should be back from her "honeymoon" next week and i think you will need to wait a few months for some news, should be good to see her back playing in the mud again.

i listened to veronicas song last night, you are right it is about me and anxiety, but i have been listening to a song for the past 4 weeks on repeat by johnny cash called "hurt" the song is so true and i can refer the song to anyone who knows me.

god i have another 3 months of panic attacks, can't wait for Christmas to be over and be back home

life is becoming so boring, nothing to do, i have just spent the morning looking out the window, watching everyone going about their daily business, and knowing i do not belong in this world, you are so lucky to be able to smoke, i can't afford it, but wish i could again, just to help me relax.

it is good to see you and aggy getting back on your feet, reading your other posts on BB forum you seem to be getting back to normal, and aggy seems to be making some steps to a better life, i seem to be the only one frozen in time.  i know at anytime i can get help and try to pull myself out of the mess i have created, but i just can't bring myself to do it. to scared of what might be.......

hope you are having a good day, and hope the course is going well, and i am glad you are enjoying life again, keep up the good work.

bye

jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Hey Jacques,

My internet is so bad at home, it keeps giving me system errors 😞

The fact that you have made the step to open up and talk about things is amazing !! I've mentioned to my docs about the fear of seeing friends, but they say I have a lot more other things to work on right now. I am very lucky to have my bf, my mother isn't too much help either 😕 maybe don't but them online so you have a reason to force yourself out? in another post Amber mentioned to me bout creating path ways, if you continue to make negative ones they will be the strongest ones. I am reading a book called brain bugs that outlines that pretty well. It's still hard though, I get it. I cant go anywhere with out my bf, we work together so its easy.

Sorry you're stressing so much about Christmas, I don't like it much either 🙂 and I know what you mean about " a break" I'm feeling quite the same atm.

Sorry to hear your new wake up time is 4am Amber! but at least you seem positive 🙂 Mine is 1:30 then 4, I have terrible nightmares so I tend to lay awake and plan out how to be most effective in the day.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I still don't get it. You came to the forums telling all of us that you didn't want help, and yet you've said in your most recent post that you thought coming here might help you?

I would be the first one to put my hand up if you wanted help. I'd be the first to put my hand up and tell you that YOU CAN BE HELPED. I would also be the first one to put my hand up and say that help takes effort on your behalf. From what I've heard from you up until this point you aren't willing to put in the effort. If I had a magic wand that would cure you over night, then I'd use it, but no one has that power...not even the best of Dr's. I have believed in you since I read your very first post and I'm not wavering on that one.

Yes, I've achieved a lot, but that's because every time someone offered a suggestion of help I embraced it with all that I had. If they said do mindfulness, I did it 20 times a day. If someone said medication would help, I said great, how much can I take? If someone said go to therapy even when you feel like crap and you don't want to go, and your anxiety is putting you at breaking point, and you're on the verge of suicide - I still dragged myself there. When someone told me I had no other option but to go to hospital, as much as I was scared and didn't think I'd last I night there, I still forced myself to go, and I stayed, and I went back time and time again. You know me well enough to know how many times I have made an attempt on my life, so you know the depths of despair that I have reached. Like everyone else, I thought being in those darkest moments was hard, let me tell you recovery is harder, but it's a choice, and I'm glad I made it, otherwise I wouldn't have the chance to chat with amazing people like you. It's a choice that you have to make, I can't make it for you, but I can say that I won't give up on you, as long as you don't give up on yourself.

Yes, Aggy is making progress, but this isn't about Aggy, it's about you. You are in charge here, you have all the control that you've ever wanted, and it's still not enough. I'm glad that you want more, and you can have more, but recovery is not just going to see a therapist for a year and wishing on a star that all the demons disappear - recovery is a new way of living, it's a change of lifestyle.

You deserve to be here in this world, you have a place in society, you are a worthwhile person, you have a myriad of opportunities ahead of you, & you are loved.

A x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am so sorry, it was a bad night last night and i didn't articulate very well, maybe i really don't know what i want, my mind is swimming all over the place, with severe mood swings and it's not that i want help, i just thought it would make me feel better about the way i live if i see others in this situation, but it does not make me feel any better.  as with everything i think, it was a wrong assumption.

i am not wanting a magic wand, i know that is not realistic, i don't like feeling fear all the time, i haven't experienced anything even remotely close to happiness and contentment for such a long time i don't even know what it feels like.

Amber you are wasting your time talking to me, i don't know what i want and probably never will, i will always be saying i want help and i don't want help, but the latter will always be true.

you have so much in your life and i feel so guilt wasting your time, and everybody else's on this forum.

but i can't stop looking at the posts on the forum everyday, i don't know why, it just seems to bring me comfort.

thank you for the time you have spent talking to me, it is much appreciated.

will post tomorrow when i am in a better mood.

bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

I felt/feel the same!!!! I almost cried ready what Amber wrote to you, even if you don't have faith in yourself, please take comfort that others do!! 🙂 Helping others also helps the person doing the helping, and I don't think she does it because she feels she has to... it's because she wants to and that HER decision, even if you feel you don't deserve it 🙂

Keep posting, and hopefully you will have that "ah ha" moment and realise what you want, I think what you want it to be happy, like all of us, and its a matter of figuring out what works best for you to achieve it.

I'm glad these forums bring you comfort, same here ...until I get a system error haha

Nothing you think is wrong, its what YOU think and how YOU feel so how can it be wrong? ( I am learning this very slowly) I always think I am wrong or bad and don't deserve my bfs care and attention.

[AGrace]

Hi Both,

Firstly I wanted to say a lot of emotion came out in my last post, and it wasn't fair of me to mix emotion with what I was writing. FeralCas I apologise if I upset you. I know better than to believe that you can actually make the horse drink the water, and I shouldn't have been so reactive in my reply.

Secondly, I want to tell you both a story of recovery from anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. It's a true story, of a man that I met during my most recent visit to hospital. You can do as you wish with the information, the choice is and always will be yours. (Hopefully the story wont go over to many threads, but it is a long one, as all proper recover stories are.)

At 22 years of age this man experienced 2 tremendous losses. 1. He lost his father to suicide, and 2. He lost all hope of a career in football due to a bar fight one crazy evening. The tremendous loss led this young man to alcohol. He felt he had no other way to dull his emotions, and to illuminate his suffering. He would drink morning, afternoon, and evening, so as not to experience the depths of pain and despair he was feeling. He left his studies, and got fired from work for intoxication. Receiving only government income, he continued to drink for another 2 years. During this time he only left the house when absolutely necessary, usually just to restock on his liquid of choice. It got to a point where he couldn't afford to continue drinking enough to get him intoxicated enough to erase his thoughts an feelings, so on his own he became sober.

One would think that this would be where he would have his happily ever after, but that's not how this story went. This man, now almost 25 had lost all of his mates, his hopes of a career, and 1/3 of his family. Getting sober was the most difficult part. There were nights when he would sleep by the toilet bowl, mornings where he would shake so badly he couldn't stand up, and days that seem to last forever. It took 6 months for the alcohol to leave his system, but he still wasn't symptom free. He now had the shakes permanently, he developed anxiety about what others would think of him, and he would panic every time he left his house.

[AGrace]

A year later and the idea of leaving his bedroom became difficult, so he only did this to go to the bathroom or the kitchen. He hadn't left his home in 9 months. He was afraid to speak to his mother, as he felt that it was his own fault for being this way. He couldn't seek help because he couldn't leave home. He was now 26 and all alone, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and a fear of how his life would turn out.

Although his mother would visit every few months, their relationship was never the same. Neither of them could talk about his father, and neither of them knew what to do about the new challenges this man was now facing. Not even he could understand what his life had become, so he had little hope in his mother, or anyone else understanding. After a few more years he eventually decided to push his mother away. He felt embarrassed and ashamed that she had a son who had amounted to nothing more than a shaking, frightened, panicked man who could barely go to the bathroom let alone have any form of life.

At age 30 he was still living the life of a hermit. He hadn't seen much of the outside world. His mother had continued to support him as best she knew how by at least delivering him groceries. He was ready to end it all. What sort of existence was he living now anyway. No one would miss him if he were gone, no one would probably even notice. He had little means to end his life so he made the decision to stop eating. On the 5th day there was a knock on the door, this of course sent him into panic mode. Despite his mother he hadn't seen another person for so many years now. The knock was followed by shouting so he huddled his quilt over his head to block out the sound. Eventually the silence returned, in the horror though he had wet the bed. He wondered to himself how much worse it could actually get, this existence he was living.

Wetting the bed may have been the best thing that ever happened to him, because it meant he had to get out of bed. When he did he was dizzy, still shaking, and utterly nauseas from having not eaten in days. While stripping the bed of linen he came across a photo of his father. The strangest thing was that when he looked in the mirror he saw that he'd become a ghostly rendition of his dad. It was this day that he decided that he needed help. He wasn't going to get it from anyone else though, he would have to do it himself.

[AGrace]

In order to help himself he needed a goal. He had to start small though as he knew there wasn't much he could take. His goal was to stand at the front door every day for 2 minutes. He did this for a week. After that first week had passed he noticed that he was no longer uncomfortable standing in front of his door as long as he knew he could eventually return to the safety of his bedroom.

The following week he set a new goal. This time he would stand at the door with the door open. It had been such a long time that it took a little longer to become comfortable with this. Still after 2 weeks he could stand in front of the door with the door open for 5 minutes before having to return to the safety of his room. His next goal would be the most difficult so he wrote it on a piece of paper and attached it to the fridge. Everyday he would walk to the front door, open the door, and stand outside the door. This took him another 2 weeks to get comfortable. All along though he knew that he could retreat to his bedroom once he had achieved his task. It took 5 weeks before he could bring himself to come up with the next goal.

After 5 weeks he decided that his new goal would be to spend 10 minutes outside standing at the letterbox everyday, and this is what he did. To begin with though he did it in 1 minute increments. The first day it was 1 minute, the second day it was for 2 minutes, until the tenth day when he finally stood at the letterbox for 10 whole minutes. After the 10 minutes were over he retreated back to the safety of his bedroom, but every day he continued to spend his 10 minutes outside. After a few months he eventually did this 2-3 times a day, soon becoming comfortable enough to even stand there for longer than 10 minutes. He knew he needed a new goal.

It had now been 6 months since he had started on his path to helping himself. His new goal was to walk to the deli at the end of the street. He didn't have to go inside, he didn't have to speak to anyone, just get there and get back. He didn't know if he could do it. By the 3rd day he had only gotten as far as the next door neighbours house before he had to run back home. He thought to himself how silly he must look to all the passers by, walking from his house to the neighbours and then back again. He was just about ready to give up, but instead he changed his goal. He would walk one house at a time. There were 13 houses between his and the deli, it took him 2 months to eventually get there.

[AGrace]

The following day he walked to the deli again, but this time he went inside. He saw 2 people that he knew, and felt so embarrassed that he fled, knocking over a newspaper stand. He ran all the way home and where do you think he went? Most would think back to the comfort and safety of his own bedroom, but instead he stopped at the letterbox. His comfort circle had now expanded in size. No longer did he need the confines of his bedroom to protect him, now he could stand at the letterbox for as long as he wanted. Every morning he would sit outside near the letterbox watching people drive, walk or ride by, and every evening he would walk to the deli to get some groceries. He wondered what he might do next, now that he no longer needed the comfort and protection of his own four walls.

He is now 40 and he works as a consumer consultant at a Private Psychiatric hospital talking to patients and their families about the possibility of recovery from mental illness. He still has the shakes, sometimes so much that he can't hold a pen, he's remained sober, and he ended up buying and operating the local deli, where he met his now wife. Together they have 2 children.

The first time I saw him I thought he was just another patient, the second time I saw him I realised he was more than that, he was an inspiration. I asked him to tell me his story, because I knew someone who was dealing with panic attacks and agoraphobia. So he did, while I smoked, in the tiny courtyard of the hospital.

[Little_Rascal]

I love that story! SO inspirational 🙂

I am trying to keep in mind that comment you made about reinforcing pathways. I made myself go to the gym with a girl I had only met once. but that night I was unable to visit a gf I've known for a while, and I think it was because she is going through a very rough time, and I didn't feel like I was emotionally strong enough. Ive lost a job due to a major break down after a colleague let loose and told me all her deepest darkest secrets and I also moved out of a house after a housemate did the same thing and I suffered a major break down and failed a few classes at uni, they both refused to seek help and didn't see the point in it.

And I cried because of the care and love coming from a strange, it's amazing 🙂