panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

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[AGrace]

Dear Jacques,

I can understand that the trip into town combined with seeing people you know must have been quite distressing for you. I do hope things have settled down a bit now that you are back at home.

I guess trying to sleep while you still feel panicked would be a difficult task for anyone to achieve. Were you able to do some progressive muscle relaxation to at least reduce some of the anxiety? If it brings any comfort I've had about 5 hours sleep over the last 3 nights. I'm completely exhausted, and I know it can be really difficult to function without that much needed rest.

I think you already know the binge eating is only a short term solution. What other things can you do to bring yourself comfort? Perhaps a warm drink, watching a funny movie, listening to your favourite music, looking through old photographs, playing some games on the computer?

Can you explain the pressure from friends and the outside world? I only ask as I didn't think you were in touch with any friends, and I know you don't go out into the outside world very often. Is it real or imagined pressure? You know you can't go to sleep and never wake up, so there needs to be an alternate solution.

I was actually having a chat with my Psychiatrist today. I haven't seen her since the last time I was in this hospital (about 4 months ago, because she's not my usual Psych). She was asking me what I think contributed to my recovery journey. I had a little think about it and then realised that the biggest step I took was to accept that I have this mental illness, and that it was highly likely I would live with it for the rest of my life. A lot of Dr's and my Psychologist were anti my approach, saying that it was like surrendering and letting the illness win. To me there was a huge difference between acceptance and giving up. Through acceptance I was able to decide that I'm not taking the path of trying to get better. It seemed like such an empty goal to have. What is better anyway? Why should I be aiming to get better when it feels like such an unachievable goal? So I stopped trying to get "better" and started trying to have a life that was possible with BPD. Perhaps the panic attacks will never go away, perhaps you don't need to aim for getting better, but perhaps you can aim to still have a quality life with your illness? What are your thoughts on this?

Finally, you are not a drain on me and in no way have a negative impact on my life so stop pushing:)

AGrace

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am feeling a little better today, it has taken four days to get myself to settle down, seeing people i know seems to bring back memories i don't want. it's amazing how 2 hours in town takes me 4 days to recover,  it's not really worth it i don't think, hopfully i wont need to go for 3-4 months.

nothing seemed to work to get me to sleep, i just need to be exausted to go to sleep for the past week, and probebly for a few more days until i can settle.

i try anything to distract myself from the anxiety, games, reading, movies, but my attention span is so low when i am paniced that i always resort to binge eating, i no it is only a short term solution but since grade 3 i have done this, i think it goes back to being locked in the classroom. i don't know why.

i have no contact with my friends, it's my mothers friends, her family, and i think some of it is imagined, i think i watch too much news on tv and radio.

i know i can't go to sleep and not wake up, but i can't think of any alternatives, i often wake up in the morning wishing i could have a terminal illness so i knew i only had so often to live, something to look forward too. often when i wake up i am very disappointed, it makes me angry i have to still be alive. pretty scarry hey...

i have accepted that i will have anxiety and panic attacks until the day i die, like you i have accepted it, but unlike yourself i have given up, i am happy for you though that you were able to accept you have an illness and are willing to fight it, my only hope for you is that you are able to have a happy and comfortable life with good friends and family.

i hope all is going well for you in the hospital, how is the medication changeover going, not to many side effects i hope. sending you a virtal bunch of flowers.  why no sleep? is it from the medication withdrawles or just not being home?

anyway i should have a good weekend, quiet with no body comming near me, just pottering around the back yard, it will be good to be out of the house for a while, Thank you for all of the support, it is much aprreciated.

P.S. oh i almost forgot, you asked on a post in this forum about Claire Weeks, i have read her book called Pass through panic: free yourself from anxiety and fear, it is a good read, i recommend it. my uncle bought it for me because he though it could help.

Bye

Jacques

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

Well the sun's out in Melbourne, so I can only hope where you are it's at least sunny for you out in the garden:)

Thank you for the virtual flowers, they are the only ones I have received. Very thoughtful of you. 

The lack of sleep was due to withdrawals. It's a bit better now. I've been on the new medication for a couple of nights, unfortunately I wake up very nauseous so they're giving me medication to help with this. A side effect of my body not being used to the new drug. Hopefully it wares off eventually. My mood is still relatively stable. I've had some unhelpful thoughts but I'm coping with them...Lots of distraction. 

It's weird, I read your comment about your family and your mum's friends and got a bit angry. I just wish for your sake that they would leave you alone. You're going through enough as it is and I really feel for you. As much as you don't want to wake up. I'm thankful every day you do. It brings a smile to my face when I see you've written a new post. I know life must be so hard for you, you would have to be one of the bravest persons I've come across, because every day you do it all over again despite how scarey it is. I know you will protest this, but it's true. 

Do you use medication to help you calm down after such a big attack? I know I would have to. 

Thanks for telling me about the book. Despite self help books what other types of books do you read? Have you got a favourite? What about movies and music, do you have some favourites?

So what are you working on in the garden today?  The hospital I'm in is about 30 kilometers from Melbourne, so I say it's out in the sticks but there's so much nature around. This morning I watched the sunrise out my Window it was beautiful. The sky was pink and blue. A perfect sight to get up to. The empty block next to the hospital is home to lots of wildlife, so ive seen plenty of birds and rabbits. Something you don't see much in the city. 

Anyway, I hope you do have a relaxing kind of weekend.  Im hoping I can go home really soon. 

A

PS. I don't give up too easy so you might be stuck with me for a while yet:))

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry to hear you are having some side effects from the medication, hopefully it wears off soon, i often get nauseous from my medication too, but i just put up with it, i have also developed some involuntary muscle movements in my arms and legs.

i am used to mums friends and mums family giving me a hard time, they have been doing this for about 10 years, most of the time i get over it, but sometimes when i am feeling down it gets to me, i would love to cut contact with all family, but it is not something i am able to do because mum enjoys the contact, i try to lock myself in my room when anyone is here, but they all insist on seeing me, so i try to limit contact now to just hello and goodbye. i feel very fortunate i like my own company, it must be so hard for people to want people around them when they suffer social anxiety.

Thank you for the kind words, i am very humbled by them, but surely you could find someone more upbeat than me to talk to, i am not that interesting, but you are right every day feels like "ground hog day" nothing ever changes, sometimes i think how have i stared at a wall for 10 years!!! the time seems to go by so fast, and i am thankful it does, if i had have known what life was going to end up like i think i would have ended it back then.  i can't believe i have been able to go on for so long.

i don't use medication other than my daily medication for anxiety, this lot of panic attacks have lasted 6 days, it is not worth it for 2 hours in town, i got a panic attack last night, but i haven't had a severe on day so i think it may have past, until the next trigger.

i like reading non-fiction my favorite book is George Orwell 1982 (i know it is fiction, but i usually don't read them). i like indie music, nirvana, tool, etc. and i listen to a lot of new age music, mainly by a group from France called enigma, not every ones type of music, but i love it, the movies i like are mainly from the 90's, i can't take to many of the modern day movies.

this weekend i installed the last of the watering system, fixed some pluming, and painted my shed, (it is about the size of a small flat), i am feeling pretty sore and sorry tonight, but it's worth it:)  it is good to be able to do something after not being able to leave the house all week.

it is great you have wildlife you can see from your window, i see sunrises every morning when i go walking, you are right they are beautiful, i have enjoyed watching the wildlife too:))

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

Are you questioning my taste in people I chat to? :):):) Trust me, people don't have to be upbeat to be interesting. Why do you chat with me? I'm not that interesting either. 

What can I say "Big Brother Is Watching You". Gosh, I'm thinking you must be pretty Intelligent because I always struggled with Orwell when I was in high school. I guess I could have another go. My favourite books now are fiction, I'm a bit of a romantic at heart...very typically female, so I like romance novels. I always loved The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simmons, I think I've read it 4 times. I also liked Memoirs of a Geisha, I just wish they never made the film, because it was no where near as good as the book.

Nirvana huh? Gosh that takes me back to my teenage years sneaking into night clubs when I was underage! Enigma, I think they originated in Germany rather than France, but a lot of their lyrics were French and Latin. Didn't they do Sadeness? Such a beautiful song. Ok, so my favourite artists Sade (for "Your Love is King" and "Soldier of Love") and Alicia Keys (for "No One" and "You Don't Know My Name").

I think my favourite movie came from the 90's. Given the fact it starred Christian Slater I'm guessing it did. A movie called "Untamed Heart".

I'm going home tomorrow. So I can't wait to finally catch up on all the recent posts on the forums. I will miss seeing the little rabbits from my window though. I wonder if my cat would mind if I got a little bunny? 🙂 It sounds like you did heaps in the back yard, no wonder you're a bit worse for wears. The watering system will be handy for Summer. What colour did you pain the shed? When I was little we had a massive shed in the back yard. I was always to afraid to go inside it because my sisters used to tell me it was full of lizards. The one day I finally got up the courage to go in and there was a blue tongue lizard in there. Lesson learned, I keep away from sheds as much as possible now:)

Ok, have a lovely night.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

point taken people don't need to be interesting, i find talking to you very calming and it is nice talking to someone my own age, something i have not done in 12 years, you are the only one my age i have spoken to since 2002.

i have read a good book recently, i don't know if you would like it, it is about a lady's personal struggle through her early life and managed to make a life for herself in another country, it is a true story and very powerful, it is called infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

 i have been meaning to read memoirs of a Geisha, i have a few books at the moment to get through, thank god for reading, it makes the day go by so quickly.

Yeh Nirvana, i seem to be stuck in the 90's with everything, music, movies and memories, i think it reminds me of better times.  you are right about enigma i think they might be from Germany, and yes they did make the song sadness, i listen to it often, their music is very relaxing.

The watering system will be good for the summer, as it reaches 45 degrees regularly here in the summer, it is fun trying to walk in the summer on molten tar, my shoes are usually a mess then.  I painted the roof green, and the walls cream, it has come up alright, it makes the house look better.

It is amazing when we are younger what we fear, i was often too frightened to go into my grandfathers shed when we visited him, even his house, one time when we were staying their i had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, and when i walked into the bathroom there was a sheep carcass hanging over the bathtub, ( oh the joy of living on farms:)) .

I am glad you are heading home tomorrow, your partner & cat will be exited too i bet:)), i am glad you have managed to change medication relatively easily, i hope the change in medication will be positive for you, it is always nice to get home.

looks like i am just getting light panic attacks now, back to normal, i am glad the major panic attacks last week have subsided.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Dear Jacques,

Sorry for delayed reply, I spent most of today catching up on the rest of the forum, and trying to prepare for starting my course next week. Plus the website has been getting some traffic, which is a good thing:)

My point was meant to imply to leave it up to others to decide whether or not you are interesting, which you are.

It's funny that you mentioned feeling a calmness reading my posts. When I was training and coaching people always used to say that I had such a calming voice. So of course what did my anxiety say? "Oh no, I hope I'm not making people fall asleep!"

Thanks for the book recommendation. I finished all of the books I was reading when I was in hospital so I downloaded the Infidel onto my kindle, It looks really good. If you like autobiographies that have a powerful story, have you read Desert Flower by Waris Dirie? I read it many years ago, and it really got me thinking wow, life for me isn't that bad after all. (I guess our own demons are all relative though)

Yep, reading definitely makes the time fly. One of my symptoms of BPD is that I read books and then believe that I am the characters, I then also expect everyone else to play out the relevant roles. I guess it's equivalent to fantasizing, because with BPD you struggle to know who you are. I was told when I was younger I had an overactive imagination..."No, I have Borderline Personality Disorder!"

At least you only have to go back to the 90's to recall better times, I have to go back to the 80's, give me Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Bon Jovi, or Eurythmics any day!! My one good memory of the 90's, despite the film Untamed Heart is the song Horses by Darryl Braithwaite.

Oh my goodness, I wish it would get to 45 more often in Melbourne. I loved Adelaide only for it's Summers. 49 degrees 7 days in a row and I'm in my element. It's Spring and Melbourne has barely hit 20, I hate the cold, and I hate rain, and I hate having to wear 5 layers of clothing and a coat all the time. If I want Winter then I'm happy to go to Paris where at least I can get snow as well.

Ok, so your carcass story has made my lizard sound like the tooth fairy rather than Freddy Krueger. When I was little I wanted to live on a farm. I still would, just to have piglets.

Yes, it's great to be back home! I can actually go outside between the hours of 8pm and 8am.

I'm glad the panic attacks have settled a little, I know it's not nice to have to feel highly anxious all the time.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry i didn't reply last night i was having a panic attack, i have to go to town again today, i only found out i had to go yesterday afternoon which was good as i had less time to panic.

thank you for the book recommendation, i will try to get to it in the future, i have a bit of a book catalog to get through at the moment, and i am trying to learn to build computer servers and some programming, as with all of my computer knowledge it is all self taught, it is interesting what you were saying about your training classes, when i was working in high school for a education institute in my local area as a computer tutor i had the same sort of thoughts, except i was concerned i was not educating them enough in basic computer skills.

i wonder if i suffer from BPD as i have trouble staying in reality, but i don't know if i have an this disorder or if it is having no connection to the outside world, my whole world is 1/4 acre block, nothing outside my house really exsists for me.

it is funny, i listen to Madonna and Eurythmics on my smartphone while i walk;), i play "sweet dreams" continually, i can't seem to get enough of it, and i listen often to madonna ray of light, (as it is the only cd i have of hers) all of the other songs are on album.

I don't know how you live in Melbourne, i would have no money, it would all go on coffee and pastries, (i love danish pastries) you are so lucky to live in such a multicultural melting pot, there is so much to choose from, i have never been their myself but my father lived their for 10 years in the 70's and mum did her hairdresser trainning their and they have such good stories, you are right though it is a shame about the weather.

The farm across from me is about to get pigletts, there is a creche of calfs, lambs and chickens.

i wish you well for your course, please don't feel the need to talk to me on a daily basis, make sure you put all of your concentration into the course, you will make a excellent mental health worker;))

now you understand what it is like for me, my anxiety only allows me to go out of the house for 1 hour of a morning and on the weekends that's it. so i understand how frustrating it is not being able to go out.  it must have been hard not being able to go for a smoke?  i know when i was smoking i would need one when i was in a panic just to calm myself.

make sure you check out the post, "Getting depression into perspective. Please read this, it might help YOU", by white knight in "depression"

Bye

J

[AGrace]

Hi J,

So I'm wanting to ask how it went today? Did you manage to go into town? I hope it wasn't too horrible, and that you're back home, safe and sound now.

What is a computer server? What sort of programming are you working on? Excuse my lack of IT knowledge, I'm not self taught or professionally taught. I didn't know you did any tutoring. Did you enjoy it? Besides thinking that your pupils weren't learning anything:) Someone asked me the other day if I could still see myself going back into training and I nearly had a heart attack. I couldn't think of anything worse now than standing in front of 100s of people. Hopefully once I finish my counselling course I will do more one on one work, or small support groups for grief counselling.

So have you googled BPD yet? When you say you have trouble staying in reality, do you mean you dissociate, or is it just that you don't really know anymore what the outside world is really like? Lucky you don't live in Melbourne you couldn't fit a 1/4 acre block anywhere.

Hah, so there's an 80's child inside the 90's guy after all! Now you've got Sweet Dreams stuck in my head, I'm going to be walking around all night singing "Hold your head up, keep your head up" 😄  Do you have a collection of records? If so, then you have to watch Untamed Heart, there's a really sad part at the end that's quite fitting.

I love that you basically just described Melbourne and yet you've never been here. The sad part of the story...I don't drink coffee. I know, it's sacrilegious, I guess I'm still an Adelaide girl at heart. I stopped drinking coffee when the anxiety started. I'm also a little too attached to my British heritage, so I'm a sucker for English Breakfast tea. Danish pastries, I can definitely do, although you don't see them so much in Melbourne anymore. I guess with the variety of different cultures it's more Italian cakes and French Macarons. So does your mum still do hairdressing? My ex was a hairdresser, it took my 3 years before I would let him near my hair. If I'd known he was going to be such a .... then I would have only let him cut my hair and nothing else.

You can't have a farm with piglets next to you, that's totally unfair. Is it really called a crèche? That's too cute. I so need a piglet.

When and how did you stop smoking? Another good reason to be home. Tuesday night I was smoking at 12:30am just because I finally could.

I forwarded WK's article to my mum, she loves gardening.

A