panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[CMF]

Thanks Dom,

I found your post helpful

[CMF]

Jacques, youre welcome,

The dr will not tell you much about inositol.  its a natural sugar found it foods like cantaloupe for example.  you buy it over the counter at health food store or even on line.  I understand the emotional numbness. you mentioned you feel stable for now, that is a good thing, even if you don't feel great.

do you have a hobby?  I love jigsaw puzzles and crosswords i get totally lost in them and my mind seems to enjoy it. havnt done one for a while though.

[jacques]

Hi Can't Move Forward,

Thank you for telling me some more about the sugar, i will have a look in the pharmacy next time i go in there.

yes i have a hobby, i build model sailing ships of the 17th century, they are expensive but take me over a year to complete.  i also exercise a lot i find it helps control the anxiety, even when i have extreme panic attacks i pace around the house for hours.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

Wow that's really incredible. I understand it being out of necessity, but the things you've managed to learn are very valuable. Sometimes I struggle just changing a light globe:)

I'm so looking forward to a very quiet, hopefully relaxing night. I've had my parents here most of the day. I think I may have already told you I have a love hate relationship with them. I don't know why but I just get so frustrated by their choices in life, and my mum is so off with the fairies. Seriously she was telling me about washing my nephew's school uniform and not only did the conversation take 1/2 an hour, but it went off on so many different tangents. Half way through her speaking you're trying to catch up, and you have questions, because you're not following, and she just keeps rambling on and on! My dad's biggest concern was that people couldn't find out it was me who developed my website. Seriously, I want people to know - I'm actually proud of what I've done. God I've attempted suicide a number of times and I lost my boyfriend. You'd think he'd be pretty comfortable with me raising awareness, and offering support to people. I just don't know how they think! Anyway, thankfully I don't see them too often, and they're off to Adelaide for a week.

Do you get along well with your mum?

Do you have plans for the weekend? I read about your interest in building 17th century model ships. Pretty cool:) How many have you built? Do you sell them, or is it purely leisure? Is there any reason for 17th century? What sort of exercise do you do?

I'm going back into hospital in a week so I can change medication. The one I'm on causes incredible weight gain. I've gained over 20kg in less than a year. I try to exercise, but because nothing shifts the weight it get's very demotivating.

Hope you're doing ok today.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

it is amazing what necessity forces you to do, i can seem to do just about anything.  over the past 7 years having no money i have had no choice but to fix things around the house.

you should not be so hard on your parents, i used to have the same relationship with my father, and now regret it because he is dead, i often see people fighting with their parents and wish i had treated my father better when i had the chance.

what was the trigger to make you attempt suicide?

please don't feel you need to answer, i was just wondering, i am amazed i have managed to go on like this for so long without attempting suicide, maybe i am just unable to try, or am frightened that i will fail.

i usually get along with my mother, i think she sometimes gets frustrated with the way i am, but on the most part, yes, i suppose we have to because i am unable to be away from her for more than a few hours.

yes i have more trees to trim and some house repairs to do, should be busy for the two days.

i have built 6 ships so far the HMS Beagle, HMS bounty, Ann Mckimm and two small sailing ships, i like to build 17th century ships because they are made entirely of timber and i like the large sails, and all of the fine ropes that criss cross the ship. i build them, take a photo and then i plan on destroying them to build new ones.  it is just something to fill in the long days when i get bored.

i walk and bike ride every morning around 6:30, rain, hail or shine. people look at me like i am crazy walking in storms. i started about 7 years ago as a way to control the anxiety, but i think with my OCD it has become a bit of a compulsion, i just can't stop, i used to be 170KG, but my weight has plateaued at 110KG, nothing i do seems to make me lose anymore weight, but thats ok i never had a problem with my weight when i was 170KG and i don't have a problem with how big i am now.

all week i am locked inside the house, it feels like a prison cell, i always look forward to weekends to be able to get out into the yard to get a change of scenery.

I hope your hospital stay goes ok, wishing you all the best

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hey Jacques, 

Well I did help my parents renovate their whole house when I was younger. So on second thought I do know how to treat salt damp, lay bricks, paint, and re plaster. Sadly my dad had another affair soon after so we had to move again.

I'm really trying to forgive my father, although there's just so much to forgive, it could take a while, and unfortunately although he's stopped cheating he still lies. With my mum she has never validated anything I've ever said. I'm trying to not seek validation from her anymore, but it's only natural to want this from your mum. Anyway a work in progress I guess. 

Why? Firstly after losing my boyfriend. I was so alone and couldn't cope with the pain of grief anymore. Second time because I couldn't see that help was possible. Third time because I felt like I was just a burden and i was in a very dark place. Forth time because I felt like there was nothing left for me anymore, I was still experiencing emotions so intensely, I was trying to speak to my Psychiatrist about the rape ( I'd never told anyone before), and I was dissociating and having flash backs that were extremely painful. Unfortunately it's also a symptom of BPD, so it's tough now I have to manage the urges every week. But I also know that managing the urges is a necessity, life is too precious...even when it feels like a living nightmare. 

Bike riding...that's great, do you ride long distance? I don't know why but I get really embarrassed if I ride my bike on my own. So I only ride when someone rides with me, so not often.

The weight has a huge impact on my self esteem. I was always really tiny, in fact my

abusive ex boyfriend used to tell me I looked like a teenage boy. And because I used to suffer from Anorexia I don't want to get to a point where it bothers me so much that I slip back into an eating disorder. That and im getting a bit frustrated about having to buy a new wardrobe of clothes every few months because the old ones don't fit 😉

Why don't you get out in the yard during the week? Do you have a big back yard? We only have a courtyard, but I have lots of herbs and some miniature

citrus trees.

Yeah, not looking forward to going back to hospital, but hopefully it will only be for a week. 

Amber

Ps. Are you still listening to Tara? Are you still doing any of the CCI workbooks? 

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am so sorry about asking about your attempts, i felt so much anxiety after i sent the post, i paced around the house for nearly 45 minutes because i should not have asked such a personal question, thank you for answering though, all of the reasons you mentioned i feel now, i hate being alive so much but just can't bring myself to do something about it. i don't know, i think i just fear failing an attempt on my life.

you are so lucky to have someone or to have found something to make life worth living, i hope it all works out for you.

no i don't ride long distance, only about 3km a day, the same route i go walking on a 4 X 4 block radius, i never vary from the same route every day.

Amber you should not be to worried about your weight, i know it is different for us men, we don't have to fit a certain image, please don't take this like i am creepy or something, but from your picture and what you have been saying to me, you are physically and mentally amazing, i would do anything to meet a woman like you, your intelligence is way beyond your years. your partner is so lucky to have you in his life.

it looks like we are two sides of the same coin, i became obese, you became anorexic, when i was 8 my primary school teacher thought i was not eating enough, so every lunch break she would lock me in a classroom on my own, with a heap of food, she would not let me out of the classroom until i had eaten all of the food. still to this day i can't be in a place where i feel trapped or any place which is unfamiliar. even today i have days sometimes up to a week where i will not eat because of my anxiety, then other days i will binge eat until i nearly throw up.  but i do understand what you are saying about weight, when i was 170Kg people used to avoid me, now i have lost weight those same people think i am wonderful, it upsets me so much how you can be treated based on your weight.

i wont go out of the house during the week because i fear that people will find out i am a dole bludger, i have enough people on my back now about not working and it has made me slightly paranoid about it.

yes it is a large yard, mum and i have planted around 40 trees and shrubs in the yard which is a lot of maintenance but it is worth it, that is what i do every weekend, because i don't leave the house, this is all i have to do to fill in my time.

yes i still listen to Tara every night, and i have downloaded all of the work books, but i have been too agitated to do them.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

May I ask how did it feel to know that I had no issues in answering your question? Was there a bit of relief? Please no more pacing. Your anxiety was related to thoughts that never even eventuated. Next time ask yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" "If that happens, will I be ok with that?" I'm guessing the worst thing that could have happened in this situation is me saying "If you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it." I'm an adult, I wouldn't have been cross with you, I wouldn't have yelled at you, I wouldn't have made you feel stupid/embarrassed for asking. Besides, I don't mind talking about it. I know a lot of people think talking about it is triggering, I don't follow this line of thought.

You mentioned you feel this way now, you hate life. Your other option is to change. I want to add that before all of those moments, I had done everything in my power to seek help.  "The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."  I also want to say that someone once told me, that "the only thing you can do is choose life, death is not an option." - I have this written down and I keep it close by all the time. It's the most honest truth I've ever heard in my life. 

I haven't found someone or something to make life worth living, I've merely discovered myself. I'm the one that get's me through the darkest hours - no one or nothing else. It's all up to me. Believe in yourself - you have the power to do anything you wish.

Thank you for the compliment, no creepyness felt:) "I would do anything to meet a woman like you"....Then why don't you start?

My goodness, that is not a teacher, that's a monster!! You didn't deserve this treatment, and karma will find it's way to this teacher. Do you know if she still teaches at the school? I'd be tempted to write her a letter, even if it never got sent.

So why would people think you are a dole bludger for being home during the week, but not on weekends? I am home during the week, does that mean I even receive government assistance? I know you used to do quite a bit of CBT, I'd love to hear the evidence for/against this thought, and maybe an alternate thought.

Your garden sounds incredible:) No doubt it keeps you very busy. Do you ever venture out the front?

Ummm....3kms is pretty long distance for me!! That's great that you do that every day. What do you think about when you're riding? Do you listen to music? Along the path you take what sorts of things do you see? 

A

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i hope your hospital stay is going good:)

i still feel horrible for asking that question, even though you didn't mind, i feel it is something that may have brought up bad memories for you and that wasn't fair.

i understand how strong you are now, i am impressed and proud that you have got yourself through this without needing anything or anyone, good for you.

i can't go looking for someone when i am in this state, it would not be fair on them and i couldn't ruin another life like i have my mothers, she is starting to show

major signs of anxiety, and i fear because of her having to be around me 24/7 for the past 13 years, i may have "conditioned" her this way, neither of us answer the door now, she only answers the phone sometimes (i never answer the phone), and some other things i have noticed, i could not do this to another person, i would feel so guilty ruining another persons life because of my selfishness.

i don't know if she teaches anymore, i live in another state now, and have no contact with anyone from the school, or anyone i went to school with, but she has ruined me mentally and physically, i was normal weight before i was in her class, and i have been obese ever since.

i don't know why i think this way, i just fear what people think about me, not to mention if i am outside, and anyone comes to the house i have no were to hide, at least if i am inside i don't have to answer the door, but if i am outside people always seem to find me, also it is very rare for people to come to my mothers house on weekends, i know it sounds ridiculous and i know it is just the illness.

no Amber i never go out the front of the house, always out the back, i only go out the front to mow, trim the shrubs, and to water, thats it, i have not gone out the front to sit on the porch in decades.

whenever i ride and walk i listen to music, and i always look at the ground the whole way, it is the only way i can do this every day.

bye

Jacques

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i woke up this morning at 4am with a panic attack, as i do most mornings, and while i was trying to calm myself down i was thinking about BB, and talking to you on it and i realized this is the longest time i have spoken to anyone in over 14 years, i have not interacted with anyone for more than a "hello and goodbye" to anyone, family, friends or strangers.  i can't believe i have not stopped contact yet.

you were asking about the positives and negatives of being out of the house during the week, as i said in my post i don't know why i think this way, i have just had so many people, family, friends and strangers say to me for so long that it must be wonderful being on the dole, and "being able to do nothing all day", people do not realize it is not "fun", sure maybe if you have been working and you go on the dole, it might be nice for a week or two, but it is not fun long term, i get so frustrated having nothing to do. I know it is other peoples problem and they are ignorant but if you hear this often enough you do anything to make people not think you are on the dole.

i am sorry Amber, i know i am going over things i have discussed previously, but this is what i do all day, i go over and over all the events in my life, it is a vicious circle. but i just can't stop.

anyway how is the change in medication going? i hope it is not having too many negative impacts on you, i have read on other posts on the BB forums that medication changeover can be very traumatic.

Bye

Jacques