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OCD housecleaning husband
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Hi, I’m struggling and hoping someone can offer opinions. I‘ve been married for 23 years and have two children to him. I love him but....he has ocd when iT comes to house cleaning. I noticed it when we first married, but put it down to pride in his house. After having children it became progressively worse. He cleanS before work in the morning, he comes home from work And cleans again. he Has dinner and cleans for another 1.5hs min. Weekends he cleans. He so t come for an icecream with the kids and I becasue ‘someone has to clean!’ THe house is scrubbed and disinfected from top to bottom Daily . We can’t use the kitchen once cleaned. We can’t sit inthe lounge room as he will notice the cushions have been moved. Throw blankets need to be folded neatly before bed. He remakes the bed after me as it’s not neat enough. If we drop something the house (even water) it needs to be vacuumed and floors washed again. He constantly tells me I’m lazy and I live like a slob. It’s made me anxious to the point I Now clean constantly on my days off and after work so I don’t get yelled at. I fret if I or the girls drop something or if an item isOut of place. My house is like a display home. He never has time for us. He always needs to clean because according to him, I don’t clean! I don’t feel this is normal. I’ve tried talking to him but it ends up in an argument as he believes his behaviour is normal and it’s because I don’t clean enough. my 17 year old daughter wants to move out as she can’t handle it anymore. My 14 year old is starting to show ocd tendencies. She s become anxious too. My children won’t have friends over because of it. I could list more but I hope you get the general idea...I’m tired, mentally exhausted and struggling to continue with his controlling behaviour...
May I add, I tried talking to a few imof my family members and there repl was ‘you are so lucky he cleans, I wish I had that’. They’ve no idea how controlling it is. I’m starting to resent him. Cleaning is one this but ocd cleaning is another. He is the same with MY CAR. Watches and vaccines every week. The kids and I can’t drive my car to the beach or anywhere it may get dirty or scratched. He checks it for scratches constantly and tells us off if it’s dirty inside. Dirty means sand on our shoes that has ended on the floor mats or lolly wrapper Left in the door etc.
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Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear about what you have been going through with your husband. We understand that it might feel discouraging to have others not understand your point of view. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums this evening as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time.
If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if you feel this would be benefical.
There is also an organisation called Relationships Australia. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
Thanks again for reaching out here today. Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice.
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Hi Maryjane,
My ex wasn't ocd but very particular about some stuff and it was sort of ok until he yelled at my daughter. I don't have any advice but I would encourage you to talk to someone who might as the effect on others is often underestimated.
Helen
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Hi Maryjane
My goodness, I feel stressed just reading your post. Can only imagine what it would be like to live in a house with such tension and I'm sure I wouldn't even come close to fully understanding.
Order is great until is creates dis-order. I'm sure you would agree. Many controlling people I've known have an issue with order. They must have order because they find it difficult to cope with the challenges that come without it. A lot of us can wing our way through such challenges yet controlling people have a tendency to fall apart. I'm sure your husband's come to identify himself as organised, ordered, in control and a great manager. Who would he be without this identity? Maybe this is something he struggles with, re-identifying himself. In his mind, he possibly thinks it's just easier for him not to face this process and simply have others adjust to his ways.
From what you write, your husband is creating terrible disorder in the lives of his family. His behaviour is destructive, as opposed to constructive. His behaviour has become about bringing people down, putting them down and keeping them down (from rising to opportunities). Down is no place to live. Your 17yo daughter has the right idea by the sound of it, wanting to escape such terms and conditions of living. She wants to live differently.
I suppose you could go one of 2 ways. Both ways involve you taking control:
- You dictate your own terms and conditions of living there, which may include your husband getting professional help
- You leave. This one is incredibly scary, for it involves a lot of reformation on your part (reforming the finances, where you live, how you manage as a single parent and so on). Definitely not easy but in this case you get to watch your kids come to life, while you're experiencing this feeling for yourself. If your husband leaves you with no choice and this is the way you decide to go, setting up your own little support community before undertaking the process will make a massive difference
I suppose the ultimate question is 'Am I going to tolerate this for the rest of my life or not tolerate it?' You and your kids deserve so much more than a tolerable fearful life.
🙂
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Hi Maryjane
I'm sure these few days will prove to be a gift to your girls that they'll never forget (one you gave to them). Wondering if you feel like you and the girls have become a bit of a team. You're possibly a team that raises each other to remember your value, a team the raises each other to try and be fearless and team that raises each other to look to adventure. I've got a bit of a team myself. My son's 14 and my daughter's 17. They're an amazing part of the team. They challenge me often, to think differently. My daughter's been telling me for some time not to settle for the self serving conditions my husband sets in order to maintain the relationship. The more my kids inspire me to not settle, the more of my natural self I become. Our kids definitely raise us when we're paying attention.
There's always a possibility your husband may be thinking 'They're teaming up on me' and he'd be right in one sense. You are teaming up. You're the A team, the one that has begun working to Aspire, to Achieve, to look forward to adventure and to feel Alive.
Hoping your husband comes around to being part of the team. From what you say, this may not happen. With all my heart, I wish you only the best no matter which path awaits you.
Take care 🙂
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