Nothing I do seems to work

[KirSa]

I don't know what to do when I'm struggling. 

Nothing I do seems to work. It just postpones the inevitable... me seeking relief with alcohol and any other depraved hedonism I can find. 

I feel like a child when I ask for help. 

The world goes on without me while I sit and wallow in the memory of the past 48 hours. 

The busy, hot mess that was my mind before is replaced with the dull, painful silence of regret. 

It's silence I need... but I don't want to face what's in there. 

I'm scared. 

I can't handle the anxiety and pressure of it all, then the 'cure' hurts more than the illness. 

Recently diagnosed bipolar 1 - does not seem to do anything to help. 

Nobody to talk to. 

Infrequent GP visits I have to chase. 

I can't face my counselor. I'm quite sure I'll break down this time. I hold it together to the world, I can't even talk to my partner... and she's wonderful and understanding. I feel like a fool. I have to be strong. 

I want to save the world (I know, crazy right?).

I want to live forever. 

We could, you know? 

But nobody believes me. 

I know I will die one day. 

I think I just want to sit outside and wait. Maybe walk on the sand... feel the cool water between my toes.  Breath the cool air. 

[blondguy]

Hey KirSa and welcome to the forums too!

* I believe you

* I see and feel your strength...and pain

Im Paul, a volunteer on the forums. I understand your pain after years of anxiety disorder KiRsa. You are not alone here at all.

We are listening!

Paul

Online Volunteer

[KirSa]

Uh, thanks. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi KirSa,

This sounds like a really difficult and isolating experience, and we're glad you could open up about it here. It can be hard to ask for help but you've shown real bravery by being so honest here. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums. This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding. We're sorry  to hear how things have been, and we want you to know that we're here for you.  

It sounds like your inner-critic is making it difficult for you, often in life with so many competing responsibilites we feel as if we have to be strong and that if we break down it's a sign of weakness. It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 if you are struggling with how to express your feelings to your partner. Our counsellors are experienced in speaking to people just like yourself so know that there is no pressure on you to be strong.

Please look after yourself, being recently diagnosed with Bipolar can take its toll. Often people express that they go through something similar to a grieving process after finally getting a diagnosis. Remember that you demonstrated incredble strength in reaching this point and that your wellbeing is important, we've attached some articles that may be helpful. Thanks again for sharing and feel free to update us if you feel able to.
 

• When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 
• The Beyond Blue Heads Up resources on taking care of your mental health.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M   

[KirSa]

Thanks Sophie, 

It is certainly a complex issue. I will be following up with my counselor tomorrow, and GP the following week. I've been reading quite a bit online lately too, and am chatting with a few others on this forum and others to get some broader perspectives. 

It's a real eye opener, that's for sure.  

BTW, I think the links in your reply are broken or not redirecting properly.