No right to feel this way

[Lani_S]

Hi, first time posting here which is really scary. After about pretty much all my life, I feel like I'm finally (sort of) ready to admit to myself I have a problem. But in saying that I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do with so many other people in the world going through more traumatic things in their life which is more 'understandable'.

80% of the time I can't even explain the why in which I feel the way I do. Which is the most frustrating part to it. It comes and goes. The days I feel, to some extent 'normal' I get so angry at myself for letting myself get that way for what it seems like no reason. At this point I'm in control and I feel good. Then out of no where it hits me again. This could be after a couple days or 6 months later... but it always comes back.

I'm usually good at hiding it but lately it's been near impossible. My husband knows, I think he always knew but I never gave it a name until he said it out loud. And it's scary. I don't want to be vulnerable and be labelled as someone that has anxiety. It feels way to common with everyone that it seems like the norm. But I don't feel normal. I don't like not being in control and bursting out crying the second someone ask me if I'm ok. And being a burden on anyone makes me want to hide it even more. Because physically I'm fine. So I have no excuse.

This runs in my family and certain things has happened years ago I believe makes my anxiety worse, but again people gone through much worse and I feel I have no right to take up people's time in worrying about me when there's others that need more help, feel like I'm being selfish asking for help.

And going to the doctors, what do you say? How do you bring it up? I'm really scared to reach out and even writing this I feel horrible to even bring it to attention..

[Candombera]

Hi Lani S,

Well done on writing your 1st post. There's nothing shameful on feeling down and asking for help. In fact, this is the 1st step towards your recovery, when you acknowledge that there's a problem to solve.You should be proud about taking the 1st step!

I understand how you feel. I had severe depression and anxiety too but I've been on a long journey and I made it through to the other side.

Reaching out is essential and you're already doing it by writing about your feelings on the forums. A visit to the doctor is very important too. You don't need fancy words to describe it, just as you did here. They will understand and guide you in the right direction.

You can also try deep breathing and meditation. I've noticed that if practiced daily has a profound effect on controlling your mind and mood.

Please remember that you've already done the most difficult thing: the 1st step. Now you started your recovery path and things will get better from now on.

Wish you all the best.

[Mr_Walker]

Hi Lani S - well done for taking the first, hardest step. All you really need to say to your doctor is "I think I'm suffering from anxiety" and they can guide you through all the questions and steps you need to take.

And very many of us share those feelings - that we don't have a right to feel this way, or other people have worse problems or I should be able to cope with this amount of stress etc. Which is really our anxiety saying "you don't deserve to be happy" . I used to feel exactly that way and put off getting treatment for YEARS because I didn't think my problems were serious enough or as bad as anyone elses or whatever.

But anxiety doesn't really work like that - it just attacks you and you have to learn how to fight it back! It's not proportionate to the things that have happened to you or anything - it just attacks some of us and not others!

You DO deserve to be happy - you have every right to feel the way you do and your anxiety is just as serious and worthy of treatment as anyone elses!

And welcome to the forums! J.

[Lani_S]

Hi Candombera,

Thanks for your response and advise of the breathing and meditation I will definitely give that a go. It's nice to hear you made it through to the other side it's very inspiring. I do feel a sense of relief writing my first post thanks for your kind words!

[Lani_S]

Hi Mr Walker,

Your response literally put me in tears, I guess more tears of relief. Thank you so much... it definitely feels different to hear those words from someone I don't know compared to your family (which I always feel like it's something to have to say, because their family) that I 'deserve to be happy'. Thank you for your kind words

[Mr_Walker]

I know exactly what you mean about family and strangers! And you're most welcome!

A lot of people will recognise the feeling of not wanting to take that step that will "label" you as well - I really didn't want to start taking medication because medication was for sick people!

Let us know how you go at the doctors (if you feel like it!) because there are so many people here who have been on this journey and will have great advice, good luck, J.

Also as Candombera said meditation and breathing exercises are brilliant for anxiety and the apps "Smiling Mind" or "Stop Breathe Think" (and probably others) are helpful to many of us here...