New relationship anxiety

[Sammy]

Dear All

Just need a connection to feel the support.

thanks for taking the time to read.

After many years of marriage with an untreated bipolar and alcohol misuse partner , now I was living alone without much drama in my life. Kids grown up and felt alone.

Was looking for a partner who can be supportive and companion.

now I am going to start a new chapter.

we have been talking on phone for 5 months and now decided to stay at each other’s houses for a month and see. I like him after dating apps for 6 years with no luck.

no my alarm bells are ringing all the time and I am annoying him. 
I think I am not used to drama with a man for 10 years so brain is in state of freaking out mode. I like his calm mind , kind , good connection, attracted to him, we can talk for hours without getting bored. He is financially ok and emotionally ok. We both are looking towards a togetherness and lifelong relationship.

I want it to work as I have seen the pool soo long

I worry about small things and big things like his snoring making me sleepless, 8 years age gap between us so looking after his health but he is fine now, I am fun loving and he is not much but happy to try, stingy , he had grown up with narcissistic mum , he is not a giver to others but cared for his dying wife and buried her, no friends or family for him, 57 years old and I am 49 years. He can’t help but talk about his late wife which I don’t mind but triggered me yesterday. We had a good chat. Overall ok but I don’t why I am nervous about getting into something. I know I can get a bit sharp if stressed . I totally want to as I didn’t enjoy living alone as I like to talk a lot. Otherwise I have friends family and full life. I think I worry about stirring my peace with a man who can be adding to minor annoyances and some times too stingy and taking more which might put me off etc. I understand 2 people living together has its plus and minus. There is lot of positives but I am put off by his tight fist but I am myself guilty of that so trying to be generous. Prayers, walks and journal is what I am doing. Maybe therapy is way forward. Feeling of it’s all coming soon and the past traumatic experience 10 years back is clouding me. Thanks for listening guys. Sorry to be a moaner but I felt soo good last time when I shared my thoughts and to read such lovely messages which was such a boost ❤️❤️❤️

[Cacciatore77]

Hey Sammy! I'm pretty much the same with relationships, I've avoided them for about 4 years now, I can be extremely emotional sometimes and it gets to much for them, so all I want now is to just focus on myself as much as I can.

But I guess I wanted to say having feelings of doubt and insecurity is normal when we go through terrible things. Have you expressed exactly how you feel sometimes to him? It can be a bit much for some to pour your heart out so early on in a relationship, but if you haven't, let the relationship breathe for a while, and open up to him. And remember how you feel sometimes will always pass, I struggle with a lot to it comes and goes, I try hide it with drugs and alcohol, but in the end I just bury myself and it makes it a lot harder to be honest with people because your drugging your brain up to think everything's perfectly fine.

I might not be the best of help but I thought I'd try give you some input seeing you havent had a reply yet.

[Ranga-1]

Well done for reaching out to the community. Sometimes these things in a partner can drive us nuts! Stinginess (as opposed to being careful with money) is not an attractive trait - you're right. Did he grow up in an impoverished home, which has made him overly cautious? Also, it's natural he would mention his late wife occasionally, but do you feel he is mentioning her too much, thus resulting in you feeling an unfair comparison? IF so, does he know how you feel? Is he still grieving?

Moving in is a big step and sometimes it takes a bit of getting used to the other person's quirks and foibles. If his habits are too bothersome, do you feel you might be better living separately but still being in the relationship?

All the best to you xx

[Sammy]

😍Thanks a lot. Your message was sound and clear and very helpful 

thanks. Hope your situation is better than before and continue to get better 

[Sammy]

😍

Thanks Ranga

yes I told him and he apologised and I did too. We are just trying to live in for a month and have some time off and see slowly

He is grieving but nearly coming out of it

Thanks for your help 

[Sammy]

I am a self conscious self aware person 

I freak out if things change

i moved to Aus with my teen daughter from UK after my psychotic husband was violent. Last 10 years I raised her and she lives with me but she is busy with Uni and Boyfriend and enjoys her life. We have a house mate and friend relationship but she doesn’t spend time with me . We don’t do any of the love languages. As long as she is doing well and happy I do my own thing. We might talk rarely if anything needs to be talked or else not 

I was dating for a while and found a person of my liking after a long time. He lives abroad and we stayed at each other’s houses for a month and enjoyed ourselves even though it was not perfect but it was good enough and my heart said big yes. Didn’t see his qualities in my other dates

now the time is nearing for us to move in…

I am getting restless, overthinking over eating gaining weight …. My body is saying omg the past relationship was hell and you’re going into something again and trying to protect me. As I have the habit of talking about things to my supporters and then get annoyed if they freak me out too

many of my friends are in difficulties so if I Sam sad they support and if I am happy they try to make it negative and I feel it’s coming from jealous side of them

i am confident about his aligned values, god faith, health habits etc but he is not too open and honest and says white lies is ok as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, he looked after his dying wife with cancer, smart guy and hard working. He put up pictures on my wall and helped me with chores and he does it with such perfection. 
he might me less on empathy and might be putting himself and god first and everyone comes next but I am also like that.

my worry is my body getting anxious about this new phase

what ifs and buts

what if I get used

what if I become a giver and he takes and takes but I am not a great giver anyway

dont know what but I feel like I coming out of my 100% safe zone and opening up to the less safe but happier zone …

how to protect emotions and how to life safe and secure life and also let someone into your world and love them instead of always being on the guard . Thanks a lot for listening 

I am overwhelmed and gained lot of weight by comfort eating. 
my goal is stress management 

eating high fibre and water intake so I am full

journal meditate pray to handle my emotions.

[Sammy]

Such a good idea 

this too shall

pass thanks for sharing 

I hope you feel better and find peace and happiness for ever