Just need some advice

[RemRikka]

Hello, this is my first time using something like this so forgive me if I've done something wrong.

I need some advice on my problems socialising with others. I just recently finished highschool as of 2024 and I will be attending university this year. Whenever I find myself in social situations it's as if I physically won't allow myself to speak. I struggle to form sentences or create conversation, unless its something that I know I have to ask about. For example, questions on an assignment or asking where a particular item I need is. Most of the time however, im sat quietly in the corner on my phone or distracting myself with other things and avoiding any and all social interactions. Even when I do manage to spurt out simple sentences they usually come out all mumbly or quiet and are full of stutters or 'um'. I also struggle to maintain eye contact for more than two or three seconds at best as my eyes begin watering, in some cases, my fingers can begin to shake or quiver too. This problem also occurs around family members too, especially my parents. The only cases where im not subjected to this problem is with a small group of friends whom I've known since primary school or very early highschool. I have had this problem for a long time now but figured I needed to do something before I started uni, if I had to estimate, I started this 'silent' phase mid way through highschool. Im not exactly sure what to do about this problem or who to speak to about this and would love to hear some advice from more experienced people on what I should be doing to start resolving this issue. 

Thanks

[indigo22]

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for reaching out to us (and, no you haven't done anything wrong at all).

Well done getting through HSC and getting into uni. It is really difficult for young people (in fact everyone) these days, there is so much pressure to achieve, the stresses and pressures become very unhealthy in the long term.

There are a couple of things you have mentioned that I would like to go into further.

You said this started around mid way through high school - this would fit with going through puberty which is a tough time to get through, although you would be on the other side of it now, there may be some lasting effects such as your social awkwardness.

You also mentioned you are not this way with friends you have known for a long time, which indicates that you feel safe in their company, which is great. However, you mentioned you are this way around family, particularly your parents, which indicates you are not feeling safe around them. Can you think of a reason why this might be the case? Was there some kind of incident that happened around the time that this began that may be connected with family?

Sometimes we don't realise how much something has affected us until a lot later and find ourselves a bit confused about what is causing us to feel out of our comfort zone now.

I would like to give you an example, which will different to your situation, but may help you figure things out.

When I was 12yo (now in my 60s) I went to my dad all excited and said "I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, I want to be a singer". I had always been creative and had tried a few things, but I just knew this was my calling. His response was "That's too hard a road, keep that as a hobby and get a real job". I insisted that it was what I really wanted to do and his reply was "If you choose to go down that road, I won't support you".

Keeping in mind that I was only 12, the only way I could interpret what he said was that I am not good enough and unless I do what he wants, he won't look after me anymore. I still sang in bands until about 20 years ago but the effect of his words made me doubt myself and my ability for the rest of my life. I ended up with dysthymia and major depression as a direct result of that interaction and a number of negative incidences that followed over the next few years.

See if you can recognise what instigated the social awkwardness, finding the reason goes a long way toward finding a solution.

We are here to support you and this is a very kind and non judgemental community so I want you to know you can feel safe with us. I would be happy to talk with you further if you wish. In the meantime, I am adding some information below for you so you can talk to someone in real time when you feel the need and they may be able to give you some supports in your local area as well.

Kids Helpline - available 24/7 up to age 25 years - 1800 55 1800

Take care,

indigo

[RemRikka]

Thanks so much for the reply, as for my parents I wanna just say that I still love my parents from the bottom from my heart and I don't think unsafe is the right feeling I feel around, maybe just uncomfortable? As for reasons why I have this problem around my parents I can't really think of anything in particular. The only major problem I had with them was around year 7 or 8  of highschool. I had recieved a playstation 4 console for the first time and spent alot of my time outside of school on the thing. I previously had a playstation 3 but never spent much time on it compared to the newer console, mostly because I could play with friends from highschool online for the first time (Especially since the game fortnite was super popular with kids my age at the time). I had no problems at school because of this, I still managed to hand stuff like assignments on time and pass all my classes. They both had some a unreasonable hatred to the thing and I had frequent arguements with them about my time spending online. Eventually, they both stopped bugging me about it, I think this was most likely because they realised it had no effect on my grades or health or anything like that. Maybe thats where I started to talk less around them and others? I do have some memory of my 'silent' attitude carrying over to school as I vividly remember avoiding teacher interactions as much as I could aside from school related stuff. Also if I where to call the given number, what exactly should I say, I've never really done something like this so im still a bit unsure on what to do.

[indigo22]

Hi again RemRikka,

Thank you for your reply, and it's good to know that you feel safe with your parents.

I do think it would really help if you speak to someone in real time. It's ok, there is no need to feel nervous about talking to the helpline. When you call them, just tell them pretty much what you have said in your post. That you are trying to find a way to get past the social awkwardness that you feel around most people as you don't want it to be a problem that continues into uni and beyond. They are psychologists and will likely ask you some questions similar to what I have done (I am not a psychologist by the way) to try to understand the reason you feel this way and see if there is anywhere in your area where you could get some help in overcoming this.

I would be very interested in hearing how it goes and if they can point you in the right direction. I am sure it's no fun feeling like you do, but I am also sure there will be someone who can help you get past it.

I will still be here whenever you want to talk, I just think they will be able to help you at the moment.

Have a think about it,

indigo

[RemRikka]

Thanks so much for the advice, I'll be sure to give them a call next time im free and let you know what happens, if you'd like.

[indigo22]

Yes, please let me know how you go.

Should you want to reach out to talk at anytime in the future, just reply to this post and I will get a notification.

Take care RemRikka,

indigo