New here, long term sufferer

[distelfink]

Hi there.

I'm reaching out because I feel like I'm losing control. I have anxiety and depression and health anxiety. I lost my Mama 8 years ago, when I was 23 to cancer and since then EVERYTHING I have is about my health. I have a pain, "omgosh I must have cancer"... A few weeks ago I had a really bad run, like the worst I've ever had with anxiety and panic attacks. Since then, I've been physically feeling parts of my body. My breast started to feel different - it was just my bra/clothing. Underneath the same breast it felt like I had bubbles or an unexplainable feeling - I have been noticing or been hyper aware of my clothing touching just this side. I have become so hyper aware of what my body is doing, I feel like it's driving me insane.

I'm completely fine when I wake. No pains, no feelings - until I start thinking about it.

I'm completely fine when I'm with friends or helping people - until I'm alone or left to my own devices... then everything becomes apparent.

I have this throat 'burn' it's like a burn but it doesn't hurt.. and then my tongue feels like I've burnt the tastebuds - but haven't. Or it gets numb... but only when I concentrate.

I saw a therapist a few years back and she recommended some herbal meds and mindfulness techniques - I've tried them.. and I was good for awhile. I have been looking for work; which I think is a major trigger... I'm terrified to work 😞

I found what I thought was a great help but now when I take it, I get bloated (or am?) I feel gassy but can't get relief - or I get relief when I stop taking these tablets. On them my anxiety is less. I tell you, I had a great week.. and then I started with the belly aches.. that over took my mind and here I am. I'm going crazy. Because if I'm busy or not thinking about them.... I can't feel a thing.

I'm scared to see the doctor. I'm scared they're going to tell me I have cancer. I keep telling the same stories to my friends and then I feel bad because it's all they hear. I'm losing control. I'm going from QLD to VIC in March, (want to) and I'm already stressing about leaving my friends and my dad; but this was my decision. I did the same thing when I left VIC to come home. I want to go back... but I wish I could take my friends.

My dad is 70 and all I think about is losing him but at the same time I can't stay here.

There are so many 'normal' things going on and in my stupid head... it's torture. 😞

[blondguy]

Hello Distelfink

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too! It takes a lot to do what you have!

You dont have a 'stupid head' at all. I see a self caring intelligent person that is thinking so fast I dont blame for you for feeling the way you are. I do understand you as when I was in my 20's I had really bad mega stress that lasted for years....only because I didnt see my doc...

I am not a GP but the burning feeling in your throat could well be indigestion...which also explains any bloating too. I know I get really bloated if I have too many things happening at the same time....especially heaps of decisions to make or a moving house or a far away.

I respect that you are scared to see your doctor as it can be uncomfortable for sure.

If I may ask you...why do think you will get a diagnosis of cancer if you see your GP? I used to have the same 'burn' feeling in my throat for ages in my early 20's too...and yes..it was scary....until my GP told me that I only had acid reflux (indigestion)..

I am only a humble volunteer Distelfink that has had mega super stress for many years.

Only if you wish to talk about it...moving from VIC to QLD and then from QLD to VIC is a big deal....for you...me or anyone!....Relocating can be a huge stressful event. Im in VIC and I know that I would be stressed out big time moving state.....

There are many super gentle people on the forums that can be here for you....no worries 🙂

I hope you can post back when its convenient for you

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by seeing your GP asap. Venting our thoughts is a great way to feel better....

You are not alone...

My Kind thoughts

Paul

[BballJ]

Hi distelfink,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Your post resonated with me as a long term anxiety sufferer I have also dealt with bad bouts of health anxiety, one of my biggest ones was I was always afraid my liver would fail, so when I would go to bed at night I would lie down on my stomach and could swear my right hand side of my stomach had some sort of bump that could of been something worse. Turns out most of the time it was my sheets bunching up or my t shirt bunching up and causing that slight bump and making me think it was something else, again like you, when I was out or anytime during the day I was fine, but go to sleep and then I start to feel it. That to me is health anxiety 101. I know you are scared to go to the doctor, I actually go too much well have in my past, some of the doctors who knew me would say just for peace of mind yeah. They knew I was so scared about certain things.

I understand you have seen a psychologist already but were they helping you overcome these health anxiety feelings other than practising mindfulness, which is great as we know it works and helps but also helping you understand your health anxiety to the core of which it comes from, which we know is from the passing of your mum but at the same time, dealing with that and overcoming it may be linked. I am by no means a trained professional, just a fellow mental health sufferer so please take what I say with the tiniest grain of salt.

Just know you are not alone in these feelings and I understand what you are going through.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[distelfink]

Wow. Thank you so much for responding. It's lovely to know I'm not alone. (as much as I hate that others feel like this.)

To answer the cancer diagnosis question.... you know. I've never been asked that and now I don't really have an answer. I think because Mama had it, Mama died from it, I just automatically assumed that whatever I have, will end up being what she had. It terrifies me. I also think every time my dad has something wrong, well, I FEAR more than think that it's cancer too. Im 32 and I can't function. I have wonderful friends, but one can only burden those friends so much.

I know I need to see a doctor. I'm trying to make that first step again. I actually only saw the therapist once. I currently live in a town where there's not anyone local, really. I think I have to just resign to the fact that I do indeed need medication to help me. I've been against them. My dads now second wife (I refuse to call her step mother - long story) tells me to just pray, don't take meds, don't listen to the doctors just pray... yes, I get that for some people it helps. I pray but I am really starting to believe that I need medication to help me through... I don't want to see myself get worse than this, that's for sure.

Yes.. The clothing. My gosh. How powerful are our minds? My shirt never bothered me before, why now?

I have tears of relief. Thank you so much for replying. Thank you for caring and I'm sorry you know what it's like.

My name's Nelly 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome D;

I can't really add too much to the great posts you've received from Paul and BJ. I can say though, we are more than spiritual beings. We're physical, emotional and mental beings also.

Praying is a form of mindfulness for some, but it doesn't work for everyone. Your symptoms and thought patterns need to be discussed with a psychologist and your GP to help you see things from their perspective, and not just run things thru your hurt experiences. Medication isn't a cure; it's a management tool to feel relief from symptoms so future understanding and coping becomes easier.

Recovery's a journey of steps ok. Giving ourselves permission to seek help, then follow instructions from professionals motivates and impresses upon us that we're proactive instead of stuck in limbo. It's a couple of strategies you're involved in to get you started on the road to wellness.

Moving too soon may cause more problems than desired. The stress might push you to your limits and without proper chemical and professional support, you may find yourself feeling very isolated. I certainly don't want you to go thru this alone.

You've shown great strength in coming forward to talk with us, now it's time to stand on your own behalf and get 'ready' for change, not just be 'willing'.

I wish you all the best 🙂 Don't be a stranger!

Kind regards;

Sez

[Blondie333]

Hello there,

my god it’s so good to hear that I’m not loosing my mind and that there is other people out there that are just like me. You are not alone, I am going through the same thing. My throat is constantly on fire like acid burning, my stomach is huge and I feel so sick like it truely takes the life out of me. I have been on antidepressants for 23 years and recently I tried to come off. Over 12 months I got down to a lower dosage but then the panic attacks started followied by anxiety, my life is now out of control. I had a spinal fusion last year and I went back to work but in the last 3 months I have been off work due to re accouring pain and I’m waiting on more surgery. I have not been able to get in the car to drive myself anywhere as I get bad panic attacks and I have to pull over and get someone to come get me. I now cannot leave my house, I can’t go to shopping centres or visit family and friends. I’m constantly dizzy and just feel so sick like I’m going to die. I have seen a phsycologist and we practiced breathing and other techniques but it just doesn’t work. I’m worried about how I’m going to go back to work as I had a huge panic attack there too. I used to love travelling and flying now I couldn’t think of anything worse. I don’t want anyone around me I just want to be by myself. If someone comes over to visit I start panicking and freaking out. I can’t even be a passenger in a car anymore as I get huge anxiety attacks. The last time I was on a plane I spent most of my time in the toilet as I couldn’t cope being around people. I feel sick every single day, it is driving me crazy. I just want to feel good again and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had numerous gastroscope and I’m on so many ant acid tablets. The gastroscope showed nothing so the doctors put me on ant acid tablets to help the burning in my throat which does not help me at all. I hope you and I will get better soon. I hope this helps you a little bit knowing that you are not alone.

[BballJ]

Hi distelfink,

Thanks for responding, I am glad there was some relief in our replies and since you have replied I can see others have commented here. Knowing you are not alone in these feelings is a big thing with mental health and knowing you can overcome them is the second part. Our minds are so complex and can do some many things to us. The mind will literally make us believe things that just are not true, I suffer from anxiety which has so much overthinking thoughts attached to it so mentally it is just a drain.

I think you know seeing a doctor really is the best next step, I cannot comment on medication as everyone has their own ways to deal with things but if that is what the doctor suggests then always follow what the professionals say. Just remember you can get through this.

My best,

Jay

[distelfink]

I feel so sad for all of us who are suffering.

Thanks so much for your words. You're right, Jay. The mind can do SO much. I've been feeling a little better, or less out of control since posting. Every now and then I get this sudden wave of anxiety and I'm not entirely sure why... but that's exactly what it does, hey?

Blondie, I'm really sorry to hear (or read) that you are struggling so bad. If you ever need to just vent to a stranger, I'm here. Obviously I don't have the answers, otherwise, I wouldn't be in a similar situation but I can listen/read. (I at least know all the things NOT to say haha)

I hope for peace for all of us.

[BballJ]

Hi distelfink,

I am glad you are feeling a little better, when I was going through my worst anxiety episodes, I found peace in these forums and I feel you may be finding it too. Replying to others is a great form of healing I find, just talking about someone else's issues can help your own. You do not need to know what to say but just understanding them and relating where you can. I am by no means trained or anything, I simply just have been through this to offer my advice on it, that's all it is, advice and to let people know they are not alone.

My best,

Jay

[distelfink]

Thank you Jay, I will do that.

So frustrating. I have been feeling okay, like I said above and then today, apparently my body can't handle that I feel good. It's ridiculous the delay it takes for your body to get over a hit of anxiety... so then you feel something and straight away panic over it.... starting the circle all over again.

I have lady pain symptoms even though it's too early.. so now I keep focussing on the pain; which is actually not severe, just annoying. Not constant until I think about it - sound familiar! GAH

I'm drawing today to try and distract myself.