New...does anyone else feel like this?

[jellybeans89]

Hi. Over the past few months (especially since starting my new graduate job) I've been struggling quite a lot with anxiety. When I make mistakes at work I'm really hard on myself & wonder if my boss regrets hiring me. Some days I'm okay but when I have a bad day I've felt like I'm on the verge of a breakdown.​ one of the things I struggle with is I've been through so much worse - I was diagnosed with a rare cancer 10 years ago & have had several recurrences over the years - & yet my confidence in this job is just not there. I studied for years when I was very unwell to get qualified for this job, yet it's all so daunting. The other girls in the workplace are really close & I feel that I'm so different to them. Sometimes I feel like everyone at work thinks I'm stupid.

I've also recently started a relationship with a lovely guy who I've known for quite a while, and I'm so happy with that part of my life, but it feels like I just can't relax otherwise.

Anxiety is something that's not foreign to me; over the years it's plagued me especially with my health ups & downs. But even though now my health appears stable & there are no signs of cancer, I feel lost. And at time hopeless. And alone.

I don't want to sound self pitying, I'm just really struggling. Does anyone struggle like this at work? Or thinking about work? I am new to this forum so I haven't had a good look around just yet, guess I just want to know what helps others when they're feeling stressed/anxious/out of place.

I have had counselling in the past, and it's something I'm looking into again, have heard of some counsellors who work on Saturdays so that gives me hope.

Hope this hasn't been too long-winded.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jellybean

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can help and support you. You have said you have not looked around the site much. Please take time to explore. BB has heaps of resources which you can download or send for hard copies. The better informed you are the easier it gets to manage your anxiety.

Congratulations on being cancer free at the moment. I can certainly imagine how much this must be worrying at times. Congratulations also on your new BF. It is lovely to find someone who becomes part of your life.

Unfortunately we all struggle at different times with our self worth. Starting a new job is quite daunting I have found. Everyone else appears to know what they are doing except you. And of course no one makes mistakes except you. Not true, everyone makes mistakes, they have learned it's part of the day, correct the mistake and move on. There is also more history between those who worked there before you arrived. It is natural they refer to events that took place before your arrival, but it can make us feel a little left out. It's not deliberate.

We all feel stupid at times and we tell ourselves how silly we are about all sorts of things. I have been doing it for years. It is our default path, the one we run back to when we feel insecure. It's so much easier to be hard on yourself than look at what went wrong. Mistakes don't make you stupid, well not unless you keep making the same mistake. And even then it may well be because you have not been taught properly.

I know it's hard to put your anxiety aside at times like this. If you can practise taking a deep breath and say something like, "This is a mistake and I can correct it", you will be able to more easily look at what happened without becoming panic stricken, and work out what went wrong and put it right. Of course it's not as easy as that I do appreciate, but it's the start of managing your emotions in these kinds of situations.

Recognise you have made a mistake then look at your feelings. Heart racing, short of breath, wobbly legs and butterflies in the tummy? All par for the course. A couple of deep slow breaths, then say firmly to yourself "I am in charge here and I will sort this out". Sit down and start to review your work. Keep focussed on the job, not on your feelings. Once you have rectified the whatever, give yourself a metaphorical pat on the back for recognising and managing.

If your boss thinks you are stupid he/she will tell you so. No news is good news.

Mary

[BballJ]

Hi jellybeans89,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for posting you story and and even bigger well done for surviving the cancer as well... You truly are an inspiration on that platform alone and I feel you are ready for whatever life throws at you, even if you don't feel like you are.

I think having a job we worked so hard to get is always daunting to a degree... So i can understand the pressure you would put on yourself, but one thing you have to remember is that they hired you for a reason, I am assuming there was an interview process and many seasoned interviewers know someone who is suitable for a job and you clearly stood out to them so part of it is, you need to have faith in your bosses for the faith they put into you. We all stress in our jobs too, that is very natural... part of it all is, taking it in your stride and not letting the pressures get you down. I can see how your anxiety ties into this as well so I would really suggest you go back and see a psychologist as you want to do as they can help provide more clarification around your anxiety. I am glad to also hear you have a boyfriend who on what you wrote makes you happy which tells me he supports you too. A great support network is vital for anxiety sufferers like us.

You beat cancer.. you can beat anything. Keep fighting and keep your head up.

My best for you,

Jay

[jellybeans89]

Thank you Mary & Jay for your replies.

I have wondered over the past day if the boss is going to fire me. It may seem that I'm overanalyzing the situation, but he goes into the next room to talk to the other graduate (who's been there for about 3 yrs) & talks really quietly. Then calls me into his office to tell me about the extra work I've created for him with some errors I've made. I drive 40mins + each way to work, I'm usually tired as I don't sleep well. But I'm trying. It feels like sometimes they can't see that. Or they don't understand why I struggle at times.

[BballJ]

Hi jellybeans89,

That doesn't sound like a great boss if they are pulling you into meetings to say that kind of stuff.. usually a good boss will pull you aside and think of ways to avoid these so called mistakes not make you feel guilty.

Never the less, have you told you boss exactly what you are and have been through... mental health is such a big thing in workplaces these days and it is highly regarded as a major issue as it wasn't in the past. I opened up to my boss almost reluctantly because I didn't want him to think I wasn't capable of doing the job however he surprised me and said if I ever need to talk I can always go to him. It was a breath of fresh air and he has pulled me aside randomly just to ask how things are going. Granted I have a great relationship with my boss so may be a little different but i still feel you should say something.

My best for you,

Jay

[Hardy524]

Hi, sorry your feeling this way. I had two thoughts while reading this thread.

1: Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better.

2: maybe this place just isn't right for you.

Now I can't really decide either way but I just wanted to tell you that I studied for 4 years and did a lot of unwanted travel to become fully qualified in my chosen field. The day I got my trade certificate and was fully qualified I left the job and have never gone back - it was the best thing I ever did. People ask me do I feel like I wasted 4 years of my life? No. Will I ever work in that industry again? Probably not. It took me 4 long, miserable, upsetting years to work out that there are things more important than a job. This trade would have given me 4 times the amount of money I earn now and with a world wide reputable company, but it just wasn't worth my mental state. I'm simply a retail worker now, it's a no brainer job sure, but I come home and don't think about it again until I'm there. So my point is, you can either hang in there and with time things will get better, or you can leave. It's up to you. Whatever you choose I really hope you find happiness.

[jellybeans89]

Thank you Hardy, I hadn't checked the forum recently but I appreciate your reply; helps to know that someone has been in a similar boat. I guess time will tell; the Christmas break will do me well!

[White_Rose]

Hello Jellybean

Sorry I have not answered you for a while. We all seem to have been caught up Christmas activities And being busy being busy. This year I am cutting down on activities, or so I told myself, and this I have been to more end of year celebrations than any year in the past. Still, no Christmas cards and present for grandchildren only.

Are you having a long break over Christmas? My office closed down from Christmas Ever until Jan 2nd. A very nice break.

How are you going at work? I read the message from Hardy and I agree with him to some extent. Sometimes it is better to cut your losses. I have never been able to do that. In any situation I simply dig my heels and battle through. Trouble is, there are some situations which are better to walk away from. The trick is knowing which is which. If you feel you should leave, may I suggest you find another job first. Being in work, holding a job down is more valuable than being out of work.

Hang in there for a while longer, ask your boss for additional training, talk to your colleagues about the parts you stumble over, work a little more slowly to make sure you have done everything properly.

Mary

[Verita]

Hi Jellybeans89,

Ultimately i believe your happiness is more important than the job, If you want to move on to find another then i think there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Ultimately you need to look inside your heart to find what kind of work will make you happier. Or if there is an organisation that makes you feel more valued.

[Verita]

Sorry just wanted to say , if it is only a very new job then perhaps it could take some time to get used to it. So sticking it out and seeing if things get better is not a bad idea either before you make any major decisions.