Never finding my place

[Flowergirl97]

Hello,

I have always been known as a shy person whereas my older sister has always been very outgoing so I felt like I grew up in her shadow. As a child I found it hard to see my positive qualities and never saw introversion as a strength because everyone around me criticised me for being shy and I grew up hating my shyness. Maybe because of my shyness or other reasons I always felt self conscious and rarely felt comfortable around people who weren’t my immediate family. When I was 7 years old my family moved country and I rarely saw my loving grandparents again and felt like my family consisted of only my parents and older sister. During my teenage years I struggled with disordered eating and despite doing well at school felt very self conscious in class and found everyday things overwhelming and felt like I was out of step with the other students. I found it difficult to envisage what I would do as a career but wasn’t too concerned because I still had a lot of time to decide. I decided I loved art and music and tried to force myself to do drama so that I wouldn’t be so shy. When I was 17 my parents decided to divorce. It came as a shock but sort of validated why I had felt unhappy as a teenager. Beforehand I had started to feel distant from my parents and they had been going through other things they had reason to be stressed about. My Mum had suggested I talk to someone about my disordered eating but I felt so much shame and distrust in people that I hated the idea. I also hid how I was feeling and was already known to be shy so not many people seemed to notice how unhappy I was. 
Now I’m in my late 20s and I’ve finally seen a psychologist for about two years. I recently moved to a new city and although I’ve completed a bachelor degree in science I’m finding it hard to get a job. A lot of the same feelings have come up that I used to feel, they’ve never really gone away. I do understand myself a lot better than I ever have in the past and now see there are strengths that introverts have. But I’m still struggling to enjoy my life, like myself and make friends… and being unemployed sucks. Sometimes it just feels like I can’t catch a break. I’ve been through so much and would love to have a healthy romantic relationship, strong friendships, a meaningful job, and enjoy my life but sometimes it feels like I’ll never get there. I am starting to blame myself for not choosing a definitive career path sooner. I committed to university only to come out the other side with more doubts and uncertainties about my career than I had when I started. I feel like I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because I am an introvert. I’ve worked so hard at my education and the most recent jobs I have had and still feel like I’m never doing the things I truly want to be doing. I’ve also struggled to accept my sexuality and have disliked my body ever since I returned to a healthier weight. So there’s been a lot for me to deal with and maybe I’ve been self sabotaging myself all along, I don’t know for sure. Today I just felt really sad and unsure of what to focus on in my life because I have a lot of interests but something always seems to go sour at some point and I stop doing something I once loved 

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hey Flowergirl97,

I've recently turned 30 and I completely relate with everything you've said.

My parents divorced when I was 12 & I developed an unhealthy relationship with food. I've been feeling depressed and hating myself since the age of 15. I've done a Uni degree and Tafe degree but both did not amount into a job I have loved doing. My eating disorder took over my twenties unfortunately but atleast now I've been able to somewhat manage it. I think I have so many issues with confidence & loving myself that I always feel like I don't belong anywhere. I'm also shy like you. I actually love talking to people, but I despise small talk. I've found the jobs I've really hated are the ones that revolve mostly around small talk and superficial relationships with people. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Us introverts certainly have it tough. I just know that my best days have involved finding peace in nature, laughter and learning about something I'm interested in. 

[Flowergirl97]

Thank you Wiltingdaisy,

Wow it seems like we have a lot in common that we’ve gone through and are still dealing with. I also feel the same about small talk, it’s never been very interesting to me haha. I really appreciate that you can relate to my experiences. I’ve always felt like not many people can truly relate to what I’ve been through so it’s nice to know that there are others out there with similar experiences, even if they’re not the most pleasant experiences. 

[Whatsinaname]

Hi Wiltingdaisy and Flowergirl,

Although I am unable to relate with any eating disorders I did want to jump on and say don't be too hard on yourself for not find a "career" yet. I was 30 when I returned to studying and did a complete career change, not at almost 40 it feels like a lifetime ago.

It might not feel like it but you are still young enough to do anything you want to do. By the sounds of it you need to avoid anything that involves small talk 😅

I should note that I am also an introvert, which has greatly hindered my ability to make friends, but it isn't impossible.

Happy to chat more if you need.

[Wiltingdaisy]

Hi Whatsinaname,

Great name by the way.

Thank you so much for sharing that, I'm at a cross roads at the moment with life direction and considering going back to Uni and studying. It's a daunting prospect, but I'm glad it worked out well for you and it certainly gives those of us still searching some hope.

Wiltingdaisy

[Whatsinaname]

My pleasure.

It wasn't easy as I had a mortgage, so had to continue to work and study. But the best advice I can give you is try and find something that you can see yourself doing long term. You don't have to love it or even enjoy everyday, just something that you find interesting can motivate you to come back each day.

With the work from home availabilities you could find a position that might not even involve face to face work.

Dream big!

[Flowergirl97]

Thank you Whatsinaname,

It is reassuring to hear that I still have time to figure out my career, I have been very hard on myself for years because I am always changing my mind and comparing my situation to other people all the time. I feel so defeated by my own lack of ability to make the decision that seems to come naturally to a lot of people. I whole-heartedly believed that working hard at school and university would set me up for an easier time in the job market and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Not prioritising gaining practical skills has really hindered my job prospects because it’s such a barrier to being able to get jobs I know I can do but never have enough ‘experience’ for. It’s made things really tough. I know I will probably find my way to a great job eventually but I can’t help regretting being so oblivious to the need to gain as much experience and practical skills as possible as soon as possible. I do feel accomplished that I got a degree but I didn’t realise just how long it was going to take to figure out what I want in a career. I’m mad at myself but honestly didn’t know better. It’s really hit me hard recently that experience and skills are what’s important in the job market. But you are right, I still have time and need to make sure I choose to do something that truly interests me which is strangely a very difficult thing for me to determine and my interests seem to change all the time which is a bit concerning and confusing 

[randomxx]

Hi flowergirl and all.

Just wanna agree with whatsinaname. l'm 50s and completely changed course l'd say 3times for real but in between changes also trying a few other things as well for short stints and figuring out they weren't this or that.Been doing what l do now 15yrs and been pretty content.

At any rate tbh, 30s, changing direction it's nothing don't worry in the big scheme of things just about anyone l know have gone into at least a few different things through life some many more at all kinds of ages. l've come across people completely changing late 50s and going into something else.

l'm also fairly introverted always needed space and downtime l wear our fast with people so for me l work at a home workshop these days still meet people and customers l like that mostly but it means l also don't have to bother just within general day to day work itself.

Anyway, don't feel discouraged take the pressure of , seems most don't settle into anything much until well after your age in my world and often the ones that did are board shytless later on and complaining anyway .

Good luck

rx

[Whatsinaname]

Hi Flowergirl, 

Don't be afraid to take a low level job in an area you like. When I changed careers I technically had the paper to say I could be at the top, but started at the very bottom. I had to take a pay cut at the time and I hated it, but now that I'm at the "top" I am super grateful that I started at the "bottom" because I have a lot more respect for the guys doing the real work at the "bottom."

I have industry colleagues that never did the grunt work so have this idea that is super easy and stress free. I'm lucky that I know that isn't the case so have a lot of empathy for the people working with me and help them as much as I can. 

And to add to what RX has said, I know people who have worked in the same industry for up to 50 years and hated every minute of it.