My journey with ... anxiety?

[humbleb]

Hi everybody..
i just joined here today. I am hoping to find some understanding from people who also suffer and... is this really just from stress? Anxiety? Mental and nervous system?
i have had anxiety for 8 years.. moved to big city and had series of panic attacks every year or 2. In the beginning it was confusing but came to understand that it was anxiety/panic disorder. Symptoms were as normal.. beating heart, intense fear, can't breathe, chest pains.
each series of attacks were different with symptoms varying. Now this is where I'm very confused now. In November I had my series of attacks again. Was not heart or pains so much but, a full rush of blood or adrenaline shooting around my body.. mainly arms/chest area. And then panic. Even felt this hard hitting dizziness like bang hit my head and a nearly fall down..
this time I've gone 'right' it's time to fix this once and for all, I can't go on like this. So I quick my 2 jobs and got on a hopeful path.. ( also 4 to 5 years prior were very stressful and have had a lot of worry)
i contacted beyond blue who put me in touch with nsw mental health who referred me to an anxiety clinic. I could not get in for assessment for 2 months so I had a waiting period. In the meantime my gp put me on medication, during this period I had symptoms of panic and the blood rush/adrenalin feeling. Also noticeable was my ability to focus, memory loss, was really poor. Became more emotional. At times when it was bad it was hard to talk and I would be very slow.
at the assessment I answered questions with my most recent symptoms and after 10 minutes I was declined treatment there. He said I don't suffer from anxiety. So I've left there really lost and confused and have been getting scans, blood tests, mri's trying to find myself. I'm now started seeing a psychologist. What I'd like is some understanding of my current symptoms and why I feel like I'm deteriorating..
i stopped the medication about a month ago... I always now feel very vague, like it's not real, reality is not as clear.. getting much less clear in my head, very strange feeling. Every 2 weeks this feeling intensifies and hits me suddenly and lasts for a few days with heavy head, very fatigued, I 'have to' sleep as it's the only way to stop it. All day. Some nerve pinches and pains. I've always had ringing in my years but it's quite strong consistently now. I wish write more.. so scared. Yesterday sitting quiet at cafe, then bang hits me so quick and have to home.

[humbleb]

So I wake up this morning.. and my brain feels so strange. Like I'm getting dementia, an infection in there, losing control of my mind.. I start staring, I think to not be looking into reality where it suffers. It sounds crazy but it's really hard to explain. I just can't find any help about this. But it's real and it hurts and I suffer a lot, I'm very scared.

ringing in my ears is really bad from tinnitus I've always had. I'm not sure if that causes anything on the brain....

anyone?

[JessF]

Hello humbleb, these symptoms seem to be distressing you and occupying your thoughts quite a lot. When was the last time you saw your GP, and/or your psychologist?

You mention in your post above about "stopping" the medication... if you did this cold turkey, this will cause some rather nasty symptoms in itself.

I feel as though you are after some answers around these symptoms and I don't believe an internet forum is the best place for you to look for these answers. Google is even worse, the anxious mind is inclined to find exactly the worst case scenario one is looking for.

How did you get on top of your anxiety during your last episode? Things seem to have been ok for you until November last year. What changed for you in that time?

[humbleb]

Hi Jess.. thank you for the reply.

mmm I'm here in hope to find someone who understands as I've been through my gp, hospitals, medical exams and checkups, acupuncture, psychologist over the past 5 months and not improving. Well I always was but it keeps coming back.

with the medication I weened off it over 1 week like my gp advised, 3 days totally off ( felt wonderful one of those days) then I began a medication that worked for me every time in the past, but had bad days so decided I'm not taking anything. That was about a month ago and now I'm taking the one for the last 2 days that worked for me in the past.

ive been seeing my gp every week or 2.. but she's at a loss. We keep trying things now like testing for disassociate thing. I don't know I've just lost myself and don't understand anymore.

In the last couple of years before this last episode.. I always ate well. Any blood tests at doctors were good. I was in debt bad and had a bad gambling problem which was really bad and stressful. I worked two jobs and had lost my girlfriend I loved a lot..I had teeth health problems and was smoking a lot of cigarettes and not sleeping the best. The last year of my job I had been bullied and each day was hard going in there.. my home was burgled and lost my guitar and amp and that hurt a lot. Oh and a court case where my car was hit by a bus and someone saw it and left me a note with details.. and the guy bullied me through the courts with his barrister vs me and although I knew I was right I couldn't go to final trial as the panic attacks were happening. I also got married but we separated a year ago but we still live together. We're both really nice people but it could be better right 😊

Um so it's been tough.. I'm just trying to find an answer or something to help or try.

[JessF]

Goodness... so let's just take a quick recap: working two jobs, breaking up with your girlfriend, financial stress, a gambling addiction, workplace bullying, house burgled with prize possessions taken, car accident, intimidation by the person who crashed into your car, getting married and then separating not long after...

That's a huge list, humbleb. Any one of those things would understandably trigger anxiety, let alone all of those things together in a relatively short space of time.

You've spoken a lot about the physical symptoms and the medical side of things with your GP has been very much a focus. How much work have you done with your psychologist to talk through some of those huge events that have happened? What other support people do you have around you to talk these things through with?

[humbleb]

Thanks again for replying.. it helps being able to express it.

i have just been once to the psychologist. Mmm we went through my early years past mainly. I see her again next week.

By the end she talked about there is people with anxiety and also there's the sensitive person with anxiety. It can be different. Because I'm a musician she talked about how creative people tend to be more sensitive. She could tell I was a passive person and perhaps stress affects me badly. We haven't talked about recent events.. mmm I guess we will.

well it's been hard finding people.. I have a friend I've gotten back in touch with today who suffers anxiety and panic attacks, she's helped today with some things to try and someone to talk to who understands although her symptoms are slightly different. I'm actually not sure where to go at this point.. just have a new set of blood tests to check out at my gp's and the psychologist next week. But going outside is so hard.. this week after the other days attack I said I'm not going out anymore. It's going on too long and surely there's somewhere, somehow to get better.

[JessF]

Sometimes when we're caught in the eye of the storm for so long it starts to feel 'normal', doesn't it? I think your idea of bringing your psychologist up to date with recent events is a good idea, it will give her a better idea of options to give you for treatment.

The more people you can talk to the better to share the load, I have found. Everyone's symptoms and their experience of them will be different, so it's not unusual to find that.

It can be difficult to know when to start, can't it, when there's so much going on. For me, I found that breaking things down and trying to prioritise on things that were stopping me from daily functioning helped. For example, you mention the panic attacks and going outside. Not going out is going to be something that will have a snowball effect on the rest of your life, so working on that may be a good place to start.

Have you done exposure therapy before?

[humbleb]

No I haven't done exposure therapy.. I guess the name speaks for itself?

well I have been going out.. not everyday. But playing tennis each Friday, walking to the shops. Picking my wife up from work. But I've stopped these since 3 days ago as it intensified. I get quite nauseous and my head feels funny. When I focus down to the vague/unrealistic sensation that causes me to panic and that happens easier when I'm outside.

i do have good experience with panic attacks but when the symptoms keep changing, there's not much I can do but fear them.

[JessF]

In a way yes, but it's not "exposure" as in throwing you in the deep end, your therapist will work with you gradually ease you into doing the thing that sets off the panic attacks. With something like a fear of heights, the first step might be something as small as standing on the first rung of a ladder. The steps are as small as they need to be to not induce panic. It's a very effective therapy and has been used for decades now.

How would you describe that unrealistic sensation that comes on when you're outside? Is there a feeling or a thought that comes with it?

[humbleb]

This is where it's been hard to explain to any doctor or specialist.. I'd like to write this down.

well I remember when I was in my early twenties I noticed this vague feeling always there. Looking back it might have been from smoking pot. Even though I gave this up, the vague feeling was always there... now let me say, I've been trying to make connections in my life of these symptoms..

in primary school.. I used to go into a daydream a lot. The teacher always used to catch me out. I'd be out in a daydream so far and often in class, I lose where I am, wouldn't have a clue what's going on around me. The teachers stern name yell out would snap me out of it. I was sent to remedial classes for this, but that didn't last long they didn't see a problem.

whays currently happening is this vague, clouded reality sensation is always here. If I'm focused on something like a movie or playing guitar I forget about it. It's happening alotlately like this, I'll be out.. sip on a coffee, get excited a little, trying to stay on a conversation. And this sensation hits me hard, and I've got to go. I get lethargic, slight headache pain, sort of dizzy, feel like not here, heavy head, sometimes nauseous. When I've rested a bit I can be in a daze, daydream, just need to sleep. My brain feels so heavy. Tinnitus is much more noticeable. If I get up I can't remember where I'm going sometimes. Basically my brain is not functioning and it's suffering in some form and I don't know what to do or where to look.