My anxiety story

[syrinxCors]

Began when I was about 16 that I remember - maybe younger but I don't really know. I'm a 41 year old man now and over the last couple of weeks it's back with a vengeance.

Back when I was younger I never felt like I was worth anything to other people, especially to girls. I had friends, don't get me wrong - but I never felt comfortable in a group when I couldn't fade into the background. I never wanted to stand up in front of other people and be seen for what I was or what I could do. I just felt like I wasn't like other people. That continued into my later teens - when all my peers were expressing their personalities I felt like I didn't have one. Due to my social anxiety, coupled with domineering parental influence - I found it was just easier to stay home and get high. I'd avoid mates places and parties because I just felt like I couldn't stay, that everything I said was stupid, that everyone was looking at and judging me. In my last year of school my friends list was pretty much down to 1.

Fast forward ten years and some bad decisions later, and I'm renting a flat with that 1 dude. By now I'm having panic attacks fairly frequently - several a day. In buses, movie theaters - even just walking from place to place (if I walked to the middle of a street block, i'd feel "trapped in the middle" and have one, just completely irrational.) Usual panic attack symptoms - fast heart, dry mouth, short breath, feeling like I'm about to pass out or even die, tingling and checking my pulse every 2 seconds - and the need to RUN.

Go forward another couple of years and this guy is down from Brisbane staying now at my place. I'm going through a bad phase, to the point where I feel trapped inside my own head. Like my mind and body were two separate things. Like I could actually feel the dimensions of my skull and was pushing to get out because I didn't want to spend the next 60 odd years stuck in there feeling this way. I would stand at my front door, look outside and not recognise anything I saw. I knew people were going about their lives all around me but couldn't convince myself this was real. Everything I saw was in 2d and I was watching it happen - I've since found out this is called "derealisation." I felt I needed to actually focus to continue breathing. This went beyond just feeling weird, this was scary. So even though I still didn't know what was wrong I went to the doctor. He was great - suggesting medication - and it worked.

[Croix]

Dear SyrinxCors~

I'd like to welcome you here, a place where I think may people will be able to relate to your experiences. Anxiety, isolation and parents who push and domineer are hard things to live with.

First off I get the feeling you post may have reached the length limit, with maybe more that got chopped off. If that is the case there is a Characters Left: counter above your edit area which lets you know if you reach 2,500 characters and spaces.

At least your post ends on a very positive note with the visit to your doctor and getting meds that worked. For that to happen first time is pretty good.

Did your doctor recommend anything else like visits to a councilor or psychologist for therapy?

Do you mind if I ask what your diagnosis was? It helps in order to be able to give more appropriate advice. A lot of what you said sounds like me when my depression and anxiety was through the roof, which happens occasionally.

I've found that in addition to med's and therapy I've had to create a lifestyle that minimizes daily stress - and panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety are less as a result. Nothing special, just what you would expect really, exercise, eating nutritious food, no harmful levels of alcohol or use of other drugs, getting enough sleep and avoiding the things that you know will tend to trigger you (not always easy to do)

Are you ahead in this area, or is it something you have not considered before?

I'm told that panic attacks are a misplaced flight or fight reaction. I try controlled breathing, moving away, thinking of other things and remembering I've been though it all before umpteen times. I also find the free smartphone app Smiling Mind really great for focusing away from hassles. Do you practice these sort of techniques yourself?

The other major thing is regular distraction and self-reward. Doing things you enjoy and take your thoughts away from the world. So what sort of things fill the bill like that for you?

I've talked about medical support and the nuts and bolts of coping with anxiety. I wonder if you have any personal support. Is there someone, family or friend that you can talk to who understands? It can make a real difference.

You have told of a very scary and unpleasant way to be. I really hope things are getting better for you now.

Please feel welcome enough to come back and talk more

Croix