Messed myself up

[Alel]

What if I am making myself belive I am autistic, so I think I am and made my sister think I am. I'm afraid of being diagnosed with autism or just any mental illness/disability. But I am also afraid of there never being an answer to what I've been experiencing my whole life. I keep researching about mental health because I keep thinking that what I'm going through has to mean something and that something is going to change. I know its just anxiety and depression, but I dont know why I can't accept it. Do I want to be broken? Do I want to be different? I shouldn't be wanting mental illness, but at the same time I wish that I was so it can explain my brain. I've known I've had anxiety and depression ever since I was younger (although it wasn't as bad as now) but it couldn't have been the reason for everything I went through. I've worked on anxiety and depression fog years, but nothing changed or gotten better, so I thought it might just be smth else. But it's not, and I can't seem to accept it. I just feel broken, everyday when I remember my life and who I am, I just feel broken. I'm sorry. Thinking this way is probably narcissistic and attention seeking. But I thought it was best to say the truth so I can fix it before I get too sucked into the whole mental health part of the internet. I find myself being really obsessed with mental health and I want to just accept myself. But I feel like I can't do that unless I get told I have a mental illness or disability, so that i know I'm not entirely broken. And I can get fixed. I'll work on stopping my obsession with mental health and only living in the moment. It's better to stop persuading myself I'm someone I'm not. I feel like I messed myself up by living in my head my whole life and only thinking about what's wrong with me. I spent my whole life constantly trying to figure myself out and why I feel different, that I got attached to different mental illness completly believing I had them, only to realise it doesn't seem right or it doesn't satisfy me. So I fall back into depression and anxiety. What if I just caused this upon myself? What if I wanted to be different that I made myself developed depression and anxiety over the years? What if im crazy and messed up in the head? I mean I'm writing this with no facial expression or emotions, but I truly am trying to write how I feel. But I feel like I'm always lying or acting, even tho I am trying to write how I feel. But what if im not? What if im pretending and I haven't noticed? What if im lying to myself that this is how I feel? What if I don't actually feel this way and I'm a evil person who believes their good? Please help. I don't want to go insane. That's one of my biggest phobias. How do I stop thinking I'm a character and actually just exist? Why is everything about my mental health my whole life? Why is messed up? Is it because of me? Will I ever know? Do I just have to live with this brain? Is this normal? Will I ever feel normal or okay? 

[Bob_22]

Hi Alel,

Thank you for your candid post. There is nothing to apologise for and you are not narcissistic for sharing your story here. Having mental health issues is nothing to be ashamed of. As many as 1 in 5 people are currently experiencing mental health issues (most commonly anxiety) and 1 in 2 people will experience mental health issues at some point in their life. Just because you cant find a diagnosis or mental illness that accurately depicts what you're going through that doesn't necessarily mean you're alone. Diagnoses are just used to categorise a group of symptoms that are commonly associated with each other. They are a way professionals can communicate with each other in terms of symptoms, treatment and medication. They are a means to an end and not the end themselves. Questioning yourself and your mental health and wellbeing is completely normal and in fact a healthy exercise. A good activity you mind find fulfilling is journalling. It is a good way to express our emotions and a way to reflect on our thoughts and emotions. You will not go "insane" by thinking and working on your mental health. 

A good place to start is to research some of the information available on this website about anxiety and depression and watching some of the videos. You will find that many of the people who give testimonies are people we interact everyday with and are in fact struggling with their own issues. This is a good link to visit as a starting point in terms of assessing your mental health also.  

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/check-your-mental-health/check-in 

Hope that helps.

Bob

[Beaser]

Hi Alel.

I have gone through a very similar situation . I just get sick of fighting and wonder if there is something more to why i am the way i am..

I havent really got any great advice however i just want you to know that you are not alone in feelng this way. 

I am here if you want to talk more.

Brett

[Richju]

Dear Alel,

It's definitely not unusual to feel as you do when you've been experiencing long term stress. There is no need to apologise or to think you are being selfish when all those negative thoughts are running through your mind.

Have you ever tried a good long shower to help to calm down? I know this is only a temporary fix but using some perfumed soap and, whilst you are showering, listen to the water running away and imagine those negative thoughts going down with it. After your shower, you might like to give yourself a good rub down with a towel and observe how pink your skin becomes and how it feels.  

I have found that consentrating my senses helps to control those destructive negative thoughts and calm your mind, even just for a while.

I agree with Bob_22 that a little research on the Beyond Blue website will help you to realise you are not alone in the way you feel. Many of us have been there and we hope to help and support you through this.

Please continue to send detailed posts like this one. 

Love and hugs,

Richju xxxxxxx