Lost, anxious and overwhelmed

[clackerz]

I can't beat this.  Don't know where to turn.  Don't know how or where to start.

I'm diagnosed with Depression (~15 years).  I was diagnosed with ADHD (~5 years).  I'm on several meds but they don't seem to do anything anymore.  My ADHD meds and scripts have about run out whilst I continue to wait to receive an appointment see my psychiartrist to get an updated letter to my GP.

I'm constantly overwhelmed.....like almost every waking minute.  This causes anxiety levels to skyrocket.  Nothing I do seems to aleviate it.  The small snippets where I do feel 'OK' - the dread returns immediately.  It's like my mind doesn't know how (or want?) to be normal and is in a constant state of overwhelming thoughts.  It's taken over my life.  I'm constantly tired and worn out.  I have no energy.  I'd prefer to be locked in solitary confinement.  I don't go anywhere much and have basically ceased all activities.  I have been getting worse over the last few years.  I've tried seeing a few psycologists but I never open up (don't know how or where to start) and just go through the motions basically telling them I'm OK.

[therising]

Hi clackerz

I think one of the most challenging questions in life to answer would have to be 'How do I tick?'. Personally, I still don't entirely know how I work. The reason why it seems impossible to figure out is based on the fact that we work differently under different circumstances. Seeing that circumstances tend to change throughout our life, we're always going to be confronted with trying to work ourself out. I feel for you so much as you try so hard to figure out why you're ticking the way you are at this time in your life.

I've found wondering to be far more inspiring than jumping to the wrong conclusion. I've discovered over the years that the right and wrong conclusion can be felt as constructive or destructive. For example, the wrong conclusion could have us believing we're hopeless, we'll always cycle in and out of anxiety or depression because we're faulty or broken in some way and I can't be fixed. That one feels depressing, so no good at all. The right conclusion could have us say 'I'm a feeler/a sensitive, someone who has the ability to feel or sense so much'. That one feels plausible and even inspiring in certain ways. It could have us say 'I can feel/sense my thoughts and what runs through my imagination. I can feel/sense my inner dialogue, other people's dialogue (what they say to me), the lack of structure in my life, what twisting in the wind with no sense of direction feels like, the impact of my false beliefs, a depressing lack of dopamine, the side effects of way too much cortisol in my body and more'. With the ability to feel or sense so much (just about everything in life), it can become thoroughly exhausting and can tax the nervous system something shocking. One of the things that gives us the ability to feel is our nervous system. Occasionally giving it a 'time out' from feeling so much is key. What that looks like will be different for everyone.

I'm blessed to be a mum to 2 amazing human beings that love to wonder (22yo daughter and 19yo son). Btw, my daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD and my son with high functioning autism. So, they both face their own sets of challenges, as well as challenges they have in common (including being able to feel easily). When I say 'I can't get a sense of what I'm struggling with', they'll open their mind through a sense of wonder, gain a feel for the situation and typically offer guidance or jump straight to the answer I need. It was my daughter who led me to wonder about General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS), when I was facing overwhelming anxiety a couple of years back. What I was feeling was the 3rd stage of GAS, the exhaustion stage. Some of the side effects: Fatigue, burnout, depression, anxiety, decreased stress tolerance. I'd lost my ability to manage even the slightest of challenges without feeling overwhelm. Btw, while my daughter manages some of the stressful aspects of ADHD, her partner of 3 years helps her manage other aspects. He'll talk her through certain challenges or stressors or lead her to see (through her imagination) ways of managing. Having someone in our life who can talk us through challenges, helping us to manage them and make better sense of them is key in some cases. Having someone who can lead us to see a difference is another key. I've found life is about gathering keys. Whether the keys come in the form of people, abilities, skills, tools or something else, gathering keys can help unlock the way forward. It can be so challenging to live without them, that's for sure.