Looking for some anxiety advice...

[Jmk22]

I just wanted to see if anyone out there could help me with some advice.

I personally have generalised anxiety. For the most part I have it under control but as we all know bad days come and go.

My husband has anxiety also. He has had this longer than I have known him and struggled with it on and off. He had a period of 6-7 years when we first met where for the most part it was under control and his medication was working for him.

Now he keeps having these moments every 6-12 months where he gets terrified of going to work. The first time this happened he wouldn't go to work for 6 weeks. That was extremely hard. Since then its happened 2-3 more times but not for as long. It has ranged from a few days to a week. We are currently going through it again. He is nearly on week 3 of not going to work. He has eaten through the small bit of leave he did have.

He has been in this job for over 10 years and if his boss didn't experience anxiety himself I honestly believe he would have lost his job a long time ago.

I dont currently work. This was a decision that we made together and we are getting to that point in life where it's time to start thinking about a family but now this is happening again I dont know what to do.
As harsh/bad as it sounds I'm losing trust in him. He will get up, get dressed and leave to go to work but then an hour later I get a text telling me he couldn't do it and he's turned around and gone to his parents house. Which is beyond frustrating. He defiantly over involves them in our lives.

I'm at a loss and I dont know how to deal with it anymore. I know he can't control this but he is setting off all my fears and anxieties and affecting my mental health.

If anyone could give any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I just dont know how to handle this anymore when it keeps happening over and over again.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear JMK,

I am sorry to hear that things seem to be getting out of control for you lately. I am wondering if you might consider, if you haven't already, talking to your own doctor and or a counselor, to get some support for yourself as well? It's hard to support someone else, when your own life is also under pressure. I personally have also found that practicing meditation and relaxation techniques can help a lot too. Being more mindful of keeping your mind focused on right here, right now can take a lot of pressure off the worry of 'what if'.

Perhaps you could also check out this page: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-yourself/looking-after-yourself-while-supporting-someone

Of course, Beyond Blue is also here for you as much as you like, and for a long as you want. You can come back to this thread and post an update, or get something off your chest every day if you like.

Anyway, not sure if that helps or not? Hope it does, even if only a little.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Jmk22]

Thanks for replying I appreciate it a lot.

Right now my current stress is how we're going to pay our bills with this continuing to happen.

My husband has been seeing a GP about this for awhile now. I also see the same GP so he knows about my situation as well. My husband is on medication for anxiety and the dose has just been increased to try to help with what's currently going on. I myself am not on medication because mine has been so good lately. Now this is happening it brings it all back up again.

The biggest problem is it's so expensive to go and talk to a professional and right now I feel like he needs it more than I do so he can get back into work. In turn I'm sort of putting my mental health to side so he can get his under control but he doesn't seem to see it that way.

In his eyes I'm the "attacker" and the "horrible" one because I point out truths and facts about him not going to work and how it's going to impact our lives.

[Gambit87]

Hi!

I'm sorry you're experiencing this right now! anxiety can be so brutal.

Is there/does something trigger him at work?

I've been at the same (pretty much dead end) job for 10 years now and I get so over it at times I get headaches and body aches. With the help of my psychologist Ive been able to reframe my thoughts and feelings where I can comfortably go to work. Although I do get some anxiety symptoms from time to time. I do not take any medication as im a little afraid of it.

I cant recommend seeing a psychologist enough. A good one is worth their weight in gold. It can be expensive, but with a mental health care plan, a good portion is covered by medicare, even bulk billed in some cases.

remember to look after yourself too! you cant pour from an empty glass.

we're here for you!

[Jmk22]

It's so hard to explain. He was 100% good going to work through the lockdown of COVID and never had a problem. A customer made a complaint about a job him and another guy did so obviously his boss asked him what was going on and it'd like it's snapped something in him and he hasn't been back since.

I defiantly agree that a psychologist is a good idea. The biggest problem is he leaves it until things are bad like this to go talk to someone then it gets to a point he thinks he's there's nothing left to talk about and he stops going until it happens again.

He just doesn't seem to understand the effect it has on me. It's like he can only see himself and whats happening to him. I try to get my in-laws help with it but they just turn it back on me like I need to be calm and give him time. I understand that there's no magic fix but at the same time him having weeks on end off work has consequences that he can't ignore.

I know he's my husband and I love him but he is really draining everything out of me putting us through this over and over again.

[Gambit87]

yeah - we can be very difficult.

Its extremely hard for us to talk about whats bothering us. For me (It may be the same with your partner too?) I grew up where you were kinda expected to keep your problems to yourself and just 'sort it out'. Mental health - particularly mens mental health was not in the spotlight, so I kept everything that was going on in my head to myself for the next 10-15 years. Everyday I just put the 'happy mask' on to get through the day.

Long story short - I had a breakdown about 8 months ago and I recognised that I needed help. Talking about it to my partner, my family and friends was such a liberating experience. I realised I had so much love and support around me I wasnt alone - everything I needed to help me was right in front of me and I didnt see it. I realised communication is key and that it was ok to talk about feelings.

Does your partner have mates that can give him a bit of a nudge of encouragement?

Theres 2 facebook groups that I follow that are really really goood. They focus on mental health - particularly mens mental health but they may help you too!

Haka for life - The creator is amazing, he talks really make you think. right now hes doing 3 check ins a week to talk about mental health. Check out his 25 pushups for 25 days challenge videos - they are so on point.

Mens group - build a brotherhood.

You have every right to feel the way you do!

As harsh as it sounds - your partner needs to be pulled up and told straight out he needs help because its not only affecting him, but you also.

I was hit with that truth bomb.

I hope ive been of some help! feel free to reply if you want 🙂

[Jmk22]

It's so difficult.

I cant talk to him at all. He just doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.

Am I the bad person for pointing out the reality about this situation? He makes me feel like I don't care and I'm a bully because I say the things he doesn't want to hear. I'm really struggling here and he doesn't seem to get that he's not the only one.

He keeps saying he needs time but when is enough enough? He's into week three of not going to work and I honestly just cant handle it anymore. It's hell.

He got his first appointment with the new psychologist in an hour but I don't know how that's going to go.

It's honestly starting to feel like our relationship is toxic for the both of us with all the fighting going on lately.

[Gambit87]

whats that old saying - you can guide a horse to water, but you cant make it drink?

You're not the bad person at all. As blunt as it is, he needs to understand that his decisions affect you too. I see how my struggles affect my partner so I make sure when my partner shares her concerns I listen because she has her own stuggles too.

at the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. there comes a point where you must step back and take care of yourself aswell.

[David35]

I found seeing a psychiatrist a lot cheaper because it's covered by Medicare. The cost of seeing a professional is probably adding to the anxiety/stress of the situation too. Can you perhaps go with him to the appointments? That might help break the ice a bit so at least he continues to get help.