I'm Suddenly Alone at School and Dying Inside

[moon_light]

Hi! This is my first post here but I really need some advice so please tell me if I do anything wrong or if this post is only me being dramatic.

I'm a Year 9 student with anxiety/OCD/depression and since beginning high school, I've been sitting with the same friend group. I was only close friends with one of them (and my other close friend sits with a non-English speaking group) but the rest didn't mind me being there so I was fine with that. Last term though, half of the group moved schools and now the few of us that are left have all moved to other groups. I'm not comfortable enough with any of the others so I just followed my close friend to a group that she knew from her classes I'm not in. I sat with them for two days before my close friend basically told me that I was being too quiet and weird, and that I should go make other friends. My classmates are always friendly and I've tried asking some of them if I can sit with their groups, except they've all said they don't really want new people to join them. I've been crying in class sometimes whenever I remember and I have a constant empty ache in my chest/stomach which stops me from calming down and relaxing even at home. I hate how bad I feel all the time and the way that I can't do anything I used to like doing after school without being worried about tomorrow. Recently I've just been going to the library at recess and lunch then eating my food during class but it's closed one day each week. When the library is closed I try sitting with the group I followed my close friend to originally but I can tell they don't want me there. At this point, I think I might just hide in the toilet and read a book instead on that day. The truth is, I kind of enjoy being alone, I'm just worried that the other students or teachers will judge me for being some pathetic loser. I'm really hoping to study abroad next year if the borders open back up, which desperately want them to do because then I'll be gone for all of 2021 and will only have to survive Year 11 and 12 here (at least then I can pretend to be constantly studying for my HSC). My parents are very kind and supportive, but I don't want to tell them because I'm ashamed that their only child is like this. I'm really sorry for all my rambling, but does anyone know how can I find a friend group or just feel better about this entire situation?

[Sophie_M]

Hey moon_light,
  Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling so lonely, but please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with our friends at Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or through webchat here: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling.

You may also be interested in getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace, who offer a wide range of services including group programs which are a great opportunity to meet people. They also have a group chat on their webpage. We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[LostAquarius]

Hi moon_light,

Really brave of you to make your first post.

First thing I want to assure you of is that your post and the way you are feeling is not at all "dramatic", your feelings are completely valid I promise.

I read your post and I really felt for you, It was like reading my own mind thoughts from highschool. I am 32 now but I vividly remember those days in high school and through to college. I had one friend but our classes didn't always align well so I would sometimes be on my own, which I couldn't handle. I used to eat my lunch in a toilet cubicle because I was terrified of people looking at me. Also spent a lot of time in the library - massive safe haven (thank you library!).

It can be really really really hard when the people you feel like the people you are sitting with don't want you there. I know that I can't judge for certain what anyone thinks, but I do know from my experiences and finding out various things from my own situations that people weren't actually thinking what I thought they were and in some cases I had misconstrued what they had meant because I took their words in a different way. It was my own head trying to put me down and the anxiety monster trying to grow stronger.

It sounds like some of those people have really put you down and made you feel unaccepted, which is not ok at all.

If I could suggest anything to high school/college self it would be to take a big deep breath and tell somebody that you trust about how your feeling, and not just like a casual thing but take just one person aside and say "hey i really need someone to talk to, can I talk to you?" -maybe even your parents if you feel you could trust them the most? They could help set up a doctor appointment for you which could lead to getting some assistance with getting through your anxiety - the sooner you ask for help will make the world of difference in the long run.

High school is tough, really tough, but you made it half way already, you can do the rest 🙂

I hope you are getting through today more easily. Take care.

[Jasjit]

Hi moon_light

First of all thanks for sharing your story. I can tell you that you are a very brave and strong person who has accepted what has been bothering you. You have truly shown me the courage to face and accept your true feelings. Well done on that!!! Remember not everyone can do that!!

From your story, I can completely relate to this. I always wanted to make friends and be accepted. I tried my best and even to some extent I literarily came across like I was begging my classmates to be my friend. But I was not respecting myself. I lost myself in making new friends. Well, I guess I was finding a friend outside, but why find it outside when the only and the best friend is within you!!! This took me a lot of time to understand but with meditational and yoga practices I was able to connect with myself and also following a whole foods diet with vigorous exercise.

So throughout my journey, I started loving myself. And please don't feel that your parents will be shocked hearing that you are like this, instead, I can promise you that you will earn more respect and confidence from your parents if you speak with them face to face, tell them what you are going through and how you are going to tackle your situation.

If you have any further questions please let me know, happy to help you out.

[Petal22]

Hello, I really feel for you reading your story..... you are one strong person to reach out.... I really hope you meet the right friends for you soon.... I’m sure there are other people or groups at your school that would love to be your friend.... hang in there....

Are there certain groups at your school that you could be involved in like... an art group, sport group , reading group

I too had ocd I have had professional help with it...

Please try to talk to your parents I’m sure they would like to know how you are feeling maybe they could help?

[OrganizedNotReally]

You are a brave, special, smart, unique and amazing person.

dont let other people bring you down or make yourself feel LESS.

dont hide that you are alone. Be defiant and show them they if they don’t want you, you don’t want them.

Eat your lunch by yourself where everyone else is but read a book or draw or do some other thing you enjoy.

sooner or later other people will join you or recognise that you are a great person to know.

i was the same in high school and only really made friends at university.

thsts fine.

thanks for your post and stay well!