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Lonely and stuck
I have been feeling ongoing pain in my marriage . Being belittled and used is making me physically sick. I don't know which way to turn . I am stuck. I value relationships , love and forgive me husband and two children easily but my depression and anxiety and repetitive negative exeriences has me trapped and my joy for life and my will to live or enjoy anything has completely disolved over the last 5 years . I am merely surviving as the emotional pain and loneliness and fear is killing me from the inside out . I have isolated myself for so long to avoid pain but i literally feel like I'm dying from brokeness.
Hello, if you value your relationship/marriage but in the mean time you are being 'belittled and feel used' then it's not what you are after and has now begun the downfall of how you are feeling, then that is not good, but forgiving your husband and two children is not necessarily going to make this situation any better, only worse.
I can't say what you should do, but I can suggest that you need to move away from this position so that you can get the counselling you need.
I could also suggest family counselling, however, I don't feel as though this would be accepted by your husband, simply because he likes his position as being on top.
Doing this may seem as though you are letting your family down, but this isn't true, it's all about making sure you can regain your strength, which is so important, because you have been denied this for a long time.
Things need to be changed and you can only do this if you aren't with them.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Nothing worse than the person you chose in life directly contributing to your suffering. Geoff's suggestion of counseling sounds like it could help. Whether that be your own or couples counseling.
I think at the very least you should have a sincere heart to heart with your partner, say anything you feel the need to. A loving partner will fill sorrow and wish to change, as directly causing harm to someone you love is a terrible thing to do.
Please put yourself first, it doesn't make you a bad person to do what's right for you, and it never will. Marriages have their ups and downs, but five years seems like this is becoming the norm and you have to make a stand so it changes.
If you have any family you can see/talk to on the phone, that could help with the immediate loneliness, or even going away for a couple days to see them could help for the time being.
I can't say what you should do, as only you know that, but that gut feeling, listen to that. You don't deserve to be belittled, nobody does.
Hope your situation improves, I really am so sorry you're going through this.