Life changes

[sparrowhawk]

Hi everyone.

I have recently been diagnosed with anorexia, and am in recovery. I'd say I've had disordered eating for the past two years but only acknowledged it last year.

As part of my recovery I'm assessing for myself my life circumstances and can see that the current situation I'm living in (a religious community) contributes to the disordered eating. I've been living here for a number of years. Mealtimes are had together, we have a cooking roster so I can't always plan my own foods, and the people I live with often trigger me with comments which are well-intended but not always helpful. There are lots of demands and expectations living this life, I've often fallen short, and at times have been subject to gaslighting and even to bullying - which in part triggered the disordered eating. I don't have a lot of energy at the moment and can't do a lot, and I sense that really leads to some resentment in others. All of this makes me very anxious and reluctant to be around people.

I have thought a lot about returning home to my parents, who have been very supportive. I feel a lot of calm, peace, excitement and joy at going home and even at starting with nothing - feelings I haven't had in a long time. At the same time, I have a lot of guilt, because my community has given me a lot of support and care and I know they want me to be healthy. I feel sometimes like I "owe" it to them to stay, because of how much they've invested in me, which I know is problematic because that sense of obligation compromises free choice. Leaving would mean leaving literally everything - I would have no job, no money, nothing - but that doesn't really make me scared as much as the thought of being a disappointment.

I know my recovery could really progress and things might get better, but this whole journey of illness has shown me that perhaps I am really not able to live this life and that it's not suitable for me anymore. There will be challenges everywhere, and I'm really holding on to the peace and joy I feel - but at the same time, I can't shake that sense of guilt. It's making me anxious and I don't want to be. Would love any advice or guidance as to how to make sense of what I'm feeling.

[Sophie_M]

Dear sparrowhawk,

We have heard it said that truly knowing yourself is the best knowledge you can have. We are pleased to read that you are learning yourself.

It is often helpful for our recovering when we do some things, so it is good to listen to your body and let it help you know how much you can do at any time.

We would like to encourage you to consider that there are many job possibilities which are not 9-to-5.

What type of work would you enjoy?

What work would engage you in your healing process rather than sapping your strength?

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Banksy92]

Hi sparrowhawk,

How did you go returning to the community to sign the papers? I think it's understandable if you were feeling a bit anxious, particularly if you were unhappy with how your friend treated you. I hope everything went smoothly and you felt okay.

I'm sorry to hear about your osteoporosis diagnosis, are you in much pain or discomfort from this? I hope your medical professional has given you some helpful advice on how to manage the symptoms. I can imagine this news would be quite upsetting but please remember that you are in good care and have the support around you while you are on your journey to a stronger and healthier you.

I saw your other comment about feeling low and struggling with fatigue too, which given everything you have been through is also understandable. How are you going so far on the medication? These things can take a few weeks to kick in but I hope it takes the edge off for you soon. Please know even in the days you feel like throwing it all in, we are all wishing the absolute best for you and care for your well being. So are your family and friends. And while I know first hand how difficult it can be to push past these moments and get through another day, sometimes the external stuff (like family weddings or babies on the way) are worth holding on to while we rebuild our inner strength and find our own internal spark again. It will come, if you can hold on and keep taking small steps in the right direction.

Thinking of you.

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Sophie_M, 

Thank you so much for your response. I am trying to listen more to my body, but not doing very well admittedly. 

I have picked up some copywriting work (freelance) which is great. It helps me stay roughly even with expenses and gives me something to do. But as I'm working mostly from home I find it a lot easier to go downhill - by myself most of the day. I think an office job would be better, but with my health the way it is I don't know how practical it would be. I've applied for jobs and had some interviews but haven't really gone anywhere with them.

My dream is to one day become a psychologist. I would love to be able to help people feel supported. That would require more study and of course I'm not in a place to do that right now.

Thank you so much, again!

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Banksy,

I'm so sorry for the delay, I have been having a rough time. To be honest, I just don't see much point in anything and feel so much like a burden on my family. But I know they love me and want the best for me, and I know I would be worried for them if they were in my situation. I just feel like I'm always causing tension and stress and it makes me feel terrible about being me.

The paper signing was much better than I thought it would be, I was incredibly anxious, but they were very welcoming. The person I was most anxious about seeing was quite reserved, but we did have a little bit of friendly conversation and have been in touch via text on-and-off since then.

The osteoporosis sometimes does cause discomfort, especially if I'm in one position for a long time. I find it hard to sit or stand for too long, but better shoes have helped with that. Unfortunately, the osteoporosis clinic doesn't want to treat me as I'm too young, so that's a little difficult to deal with.

Unfortunately I needed to stop the medication fairly soon after I started. I have weekly blood tests, and my liver enzyme levels dangerously skyrocketed. We don't know yet what's caused it and I've needed to have a few tests, but it meant I had to come off the medication. I have asked my doctor if I can go back on as I'm just not doing well. If levels are better, I can expect to give it another go this week.
In the meantime, just looking for psychiatric help too as I think I need that.

I really hope you are well, and I thank you for being so caring!