Just want to be happy.- I'm new here.

[Laurakay]

Sorry, this is very long

I've signed up to beyond blue just recently, in the hope that someone can shed a little light or just say something helpful. I've noticed this year that I've become really withdrawn, especially from family. I've come to dislike most of my family, and I can't stand being around them. Every little thing they do makes me jumpy. The thought of going to visit family makes me feel really antsy and panicky. Whenever I'm there I feel closed in and suffocated, and I become agitated, rude and sarcastic - I basically lash out before and after family visits. I don't really know why this is, but it may have something to do with my previous boyfriend- I used to spend 2-3 days a week at his house with his family, and I loved them all to bits. Then we split and his family moved, and I was obviously very torn. I think I may feel hostile towards my family because I want to be with my ex-boyfriends family, maybe? That's my only theory so far. My parents never really knew how involved I was with my boyfriend, and assumed I'd get over the breakup easily enough, they were wrong. I lost the only person that I trusted and could talk to, and have been lonely ever since.

I've always loved helping other people, be it talking to them, stepping into a situation for them, or talking to someone in authority for them. But when it comes to my own problems, I have difficulty. For example, I want to be a psychologist or a counsellor in the future. But how could I be any good at that if I can't solve my own problems, and if I myself want to see a counsellor? My dad doesn't think I have anxiety, despite my telling him how I feel. He believes that society is making a big deal about teen anxiety and depression, and that we're wrongly diagnosing ourselves with it. But how does he know? He won't even listen to me..I can't help but think that if he spent more time talking to me instead of assuming I was fine.. I wouldn't feel like this. I am the eldest of three children and have always been 'the capable one'. My parents have not once sat down with me to ask how I'm doing, not unless I yell at them and burst into frustrated tears. They've always thought I could handle everything on my own, my other siblings needing guidance and support, not me. 

Sometimes I think my parents just don't want to accept that their daughter isn't as together as she appears. How bad would it look if their daughter had a breakdown and/or had to go to counselling? I've also got a reputation at school for having straight A's, being a clever, good girl. I'm tired of having all these expectations on me. I am so anxious about my schoolwork, and it doesn't help that all my teachers assume i can do it all on my own. I have a hard time asking for help, because it makes me feel stupid.

I also get really anxious in social settings. I recently had a birthday and had some girlfriends over, I was so anxious I was feeling sick. I couldn't wait for them to leave, I wanted to tell them to go home as soon as they arrived. I never had problems with friends and socializing until after my boyfriend broke up with me. Still figuring that one out.. I think I lost friendships and connections while I dated, and maybe I'm having a hard time reconnecting. But.. It's been over a year? I don't get it. I sometimes feel so disconnected from everyone. I could be standing with a group while they're chatting, but feel completely invisible. 

Once my boyfriend broke up with me I got by one day at a time. Initially he shunned me completely, and my body reacted really badly. After being with him constantly and then just.. Not.. I would break down. I dated two guys that were abusive, (I didn't know that about them initially) and stayed with them longer than I should have, just to feel something. Some of those memories are pretty painful to think about, and I often have to see both of them, which doesn't help. I miss my ex a lot, often looking him up on Facebook, which I probably shouldn't. At times it comforts me, at others it hurts. More than once I have looked at flight prices, dreaming about flying to where he lives. 

I got my Ls when I turned 17, unlike everyone else who gets it at 16. I'm very annoyed about that- which is stupid, because I'm scared of driving. I could have had my Ps by now, if I got them when I turned 16. I want to blame my parents for that. They don't pay attention to stuff like that. They never once showed interest in me getting my license, no encouragement or anything. I was so angry. My friends parents went through the entire booklet with her prior to her 16th. Why didn't my parents? Why don't they ever involve themselves in my life? Ever since I could remember my mother has driven only when necessary. To and from work, to and from the shops. My dad is the one who drives everywhere. How come I'm so anxious about driving? It ticks me off. Why can't I just do it, why can't I just be okay with driving. Again, I want to blame my mum, she doesn't like driving, either did her mum. I feel like I've inherited the fear of driving or something, which I know is stupid. It's stupid in general. I want to blame my parents for it all, but I guess it's my own lack of confidence and initiative. But is it so wrong to want them to push me? Push me towards something, push me into helping myself?

I guess I'm writing here because I want help, and this was the only place I was brave enough to start.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Laurakay,

You're anxiety is anxiety.

Whether it be fretting over driving (wanting to control how and when your parents mentor you), your ex boyfriend (moving away / breaking up), education (being expected to do well), social settings (wishing your party friends would vacate the party they'd just come to) and so on.

I didn't understand your take on your ex that "Initially he shunned me completely and my body reacted very badly".   Didn't your mind react worse ?  You're dreaming of flying to him although you've stated about 5 times he's your ex ?  Wouldn't meeting up with all your anxiety make things worse ? 

Your anxiety feeds itself so maybe being in permanent denial over your ex or getting very anxious about your memories with him is a great way of avoiding the reality.  And staying anxious.  It's impossible to live like this long term.

Making things go quicker is only possible if you are a complete control freak. Being able to deal with your difficulties now (or at least trying to) will mean you'll be a great psychologist or counsellor.   I think you've just given yourself a pre-university training course.   With such skills you really can't fail.  You just gotta learn how to deal with own anxiety first.

Adios, David.

[jess334]

 Hi Laurakay, 

First, don't give up on your dream of being a counsellor.  Counsellors and psychologists aren't perfect! In fact having experience with anxiety and/or depression can give you an insight that will help you engage with clients. My favourite psychologist also suffered with anxiety, which meant that she was able to empathise and understand what I was going through.  

My stepfather was the same when I started developing anxiety symptoms at 15.  He thought I was doing it to get attention.  Luckily my mum was supportive.  If you don’t feel like you can talk to your parents about it, try speaking to your school counsellor or finding a counsellor on Beyond Blue to talk to.  They will be supportive and talking to someone about your problems is not ‘weak’.  It is more important to deal with these problems then it is to be ‘the perfect daughter’. 

If your parents support your other siblings, they will probably support you too.  Try sitting down and talk to them when you’re not upset.  Explain to them that you feel like they aren’t listening to you and that you really need help.  They love you and they will support you.  They might not know what to do straight away, but maybe you could tell them you want to talk to a professional about it. 

Also, I didn’t get my driver’s licence until I was 19!! I was petrified of driving and for my first lesson I just sat in the driver’s seat and cried.  After the first few times it got easier. 

Good Luck.  Keep finding information on Beyond Blue.  It’s a great place to start.