Just needing to write all this down

Nervybella · ‎15-02-2017

So I have posted a few threads before but I just need to vent today, not sure if anyone will even respond but have to do this

Firstly: at the start of the I got a new job, it was awful and I resigned after around 3 weeks. I've been out of work since then and have applied for over 12 jobs, had an interview for one but haven't even heard from any of the others. Making me feel worthless and shit. I was so nervous in the interview, I just kept thinking about my terrible experience at the other job.

Its becoming extreme where I dream about the boss who was awful to me, I think I see her in the streets (when it's impossible) and I can even hear her voice putting me down in my head, I can't escape these thoughts and I feel like she has ruined my life...I've lost all confidence and lost all faith, I can't seem to imagine it get excited about a new job because I am convincing myself it will be just as bad as the last....

second: I am feeling very alone at the moment, lots of my friends are overseas before Uni goes back, and those that are hear don't make time to see me. I think it's because they think my anxiety is "fixed" by leaving the job and visiting my psych. When I was in the thick of my most recent bout of anxiety my friends and family were super supportive. Ringing me and offering to catch up and keep me busy, saying all the right thing etc. But now I've left their support had dropped off but really I still need it....I don't know what to do abut this

Third: my birthday is coming up and I'm having a get together at my house but this is starting to cause me grief...I'm so nervous to have people in my house, especially eb cause it's usually my safe haven away from everyone....I don't know

fourth: I'm also finding that because I'm home a lot I am becoming obsessed with checking these threads to see if people have posted anything. When there is nothing new I get really upset, I can't explain why but I feel like I'm depending on these threads to keep me company or dove my problems, does anyone else feel this way?

Anyway, I inow there aren't really any questions in here to be answered but I just hoped that writing my thoughts down would diffuse them a little bit and take away their intensity

thanks to anyone that answers,

Bella

white knight · ‎15-02-2017

Hi and welcome. I've read a few of your past posts.

I developed severe anxiety in 1987 a long time ago. I had to be reprogrammed to think differently by way of medication and therapy. With the therapy I was taught to not have the view of "trying to save the world" and to not "keep plugging up the leaks in the dam wall". I wasn't aware my problem was so bad until the panic attack arrived. At first I was misdiagnosed with a heart attack. Boy, did that shake me up.

Among the things I've picked up about being anxious is filling my mind with other activities. If I'm bored or not doing anything significantly important I'll come inside from my beloved shed and log onto BB forum. finding there isn't much response to my posts is deflating, just like you describe. Some of us members have thousands of posts registered now, you'd think by now it would be accepted better that one can just relax and a reply will come...when it comes...

So what I do is read other members posts and try to reply. This is a diversion tactic. Remember....diversion and keeping busy are your friends with anxiety. Having several projects on the go is heaven for me. I even have a large jigsaw in a room so if I'm bored for 20 minutes I fit a few pieces and that turns my focus on waiting for my wife to get ready for shopping to something else. Then its her trying to take me away from that.

So diversion and keeping busy are the keys in my opinion. Expecting the anxiety to go away 100% is unrealistic so we have to play a game with it.

Tony WK

Nervybella · ‎15-02-2017

Thanks for your responses everyone, I will definitely take on board what you have said and I think I'll limit myself to checking threads once a day, perhaps on my hour ping teak ride home 🙂

i start work next Wednesday and have two weeks of formal training, I'm trying to think of all he positives and ignore that mean negative voice in my head.

you have all been very helpful in one way or another and I thankyou, I hope you know that you are helping someone when they need it, I hope I can do the same.

I will check in again soon, I really like the sense of formng little friendships and talking to people who understand.

Bella 🙂

Mojo76 · ‎15-02-2017

Remember that EVERYONE, whether suffering anxiety or not feels nervous, uncomfortable, out of their depth etc when starting a new job. It's normal and you can't let yourself feel that it's just you. Get through the initial period of getting used to it and you will come out strong on the other side. 😊

geoff · ‎16-02-2017

hi Bella, there have been so many good replies back to you which is fantastic, however with regards to checking on whether or not someone else has replied to you, is what would happen to most of us, simply because you have asked for help so it's very important to see whether your comment is still one that hasn't been left alone after all these replies, well it never is, because someone else will go looking for comments that they haven't read on a particular topic that concerns them as well, so they will once again reply and start the conversation again.
Perhaps instead of waiting to see if anyone else has replied, you could also answer to another person who is suffering from a problem that you can relate to, and maybe have been able to overcome it, that's just as important, and we try and encourage people to try and do this.
What this does is for as many people as possible to be involved in all types of depression giving them the experience that they may not have known about, and in fact, expand your knowledge so that one day you maybe able to help another person.
Please don't worry if your post is left alone because at some stage it has given other people an insight into what you are struggling with. Geoff.

Nervybella · ‎16-02-2017

Hi Mojo76

I must have missed your post when it initially came onto the thread. But thankyou!! Your words mean a lot and I'm glad that there are people out there that seem to have a similar experience to myself...glad isn't the right word because a bad experience isn't something to be "glad" about, but I'm sure you know what I'm trying to say 🙂

Thanks Geoff,

I am starting to comment more on other peoples threads, even if it's just to say hi and am finding it quite therapeutic, I guess that's the great thing about this site!

Bella

White_Rose · ‎16-02-2017

Hello Bella

How are the preparations for your birthday party coming along? And may I ask when is your birthday.

You sound happier in your last post which is great. Really pleased you are starting to post on other threads. I also find it therapeutic. It is indeed the great thing about this site.

It is lovely when your friends and family rally round you and we can get so used to this we forget people have other lives. Why not contact one or two friends and go for coffee somewhere. Tell them you miss them and want to catch up. No need to discuss your anxiety, just become immersed in the chat. I think you will be surprised how easy this will be.

If anyone asks, then it is up to you to disclose as much or as little as you wish. Try not to give the impression you have contacted them only because you want support. It's a legitimate reason but maybe ask about their lives. One of the slogans, so to speak, on this forum is Give support to get support. It's wonderful what it does for everyone.

Mary

Nervybella · ‎17-02-2017

Hello Mary,

Birthday preparations are coming along well, thanks for asking. I am probably over planning but it's keeping my mind occupied so I'm going to keep it up. My birthday is the 1st of March 🙂

In regards to what you said about friends, I do often message them and ask to catch up but the three friends I'm closest too are ALWAYS busy. Or cancel/change plans at the last minute. I think this is partly my fault because I always say something like "only if you have time" or "its ok" when they cancel a few hours before we are meant to meet.

So I guess in a way they think it doesn't bother me when it in fact does. I know that I'm not good at being assertive...I'm trying to work on that.

Also I pride myself on being a good friend and being there if anyone ever needs me (despite how my mental state might be at the time) so I feel as though I adhere to the slogan but my friends perhaps do not.

Its dissapointing but just the way it is.

Thanks for replying Mary, speak soon no doubt.

Bella