Just exhausted, cranky, and feeling a failure

[BALM]

I posted a few years ago. Can't really recall what I wrote then...but my battle with anxiety and depression has been on for over a dozen years.

It feels like every time I might take steps forward, something happens and knocks me back. I took up running before Christmas and was loving it...but after 4 weeks I developed a stress fracture in my ankle. Now have 6 weeks in a moon boot.

Im so tired of life at times and then I get guilty because I fail as a father, husband, make mistakes at work...last night I even said something in a social setting that I knew was wrong as soon as I said it. I still feel embarrassed. But it's also because I'm so tired after the past year, like everyone dealing with covid and related stuff...feeling like you have to carry so much.

And to be honest I don't care about mistakes, we all make them and we just apologise and make amends where needed...but I just wish that people around me would see through some of this and see that I am tired and I need care (even if it's 'tough love' to pull my head in on something).

But I often just feel alone with my stewing and thoughts. I share them at times but except for my psych I don't feel like anyone gets them (and while he's a great psych and truly cares I am paying him $$ to do so!😁).

I am now starting to fear that I'll eventually give up and kind of do life functionally...in some ways I kind of want that, to escape my emotions and just say "stuff it" and not care.

Not sure what I want. I guess I'd just like to feel like life has some structure to it. To feel as though I have some control. To believe that I am truly loved by family and friends.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome back

A few things- firstly, "foot in mouth" is common among some mental illnesses like ADHD and mania. Might have something to do with mouth engaged before wisdom. So the best you can do as you said is apologise.

Lack of rest and sleep has serious consequences for many of us. My bipolar2 symptoms become clearer to see by my wife and she tells me to go to bed!.

Dwelling is an in ground problem.
Google this-

Beyondblue topic do you cry over spilt milk?

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Life is two steps forward one step back etc. The best thing you can do is write down short medium and long term plans. Work towards financial security and seek out ways to reduce anxiety.

Google

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

I hope those links help, I'd be happy to discuss them.
You only need to read the first post of each.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi BALM

I truly feel for you so much as you question where you're at in life. As Tony mentioned, exhaustion can definitely be influential when it comes to how we're ticking at any given time.

How much easier would it be in life if we traveled everywhere with a life coach on one side of us and a sage or philosopher on the other. On one hand we'd have that coach saying 'Okay, here's what you need to do to make some constructive changes in the way forward, both physically and mentally'. Soon, those energy levels would be back up and the the path to reformation would be clear. The sage would be giving out little tips on personal insight, leading you to say 'Of course, that's why I do what I do and that's why I think the way I think. It all makes sense'. Unfortunately, most of us don't have a team of 'raisers', raising our energy levels and consciousness. I truly believe, from personal experience, one of the hardest things to do in life is raise our self, especially without any constructive guidance. Even harder, raising yourself through depression.

Personally, I wish I'd found the right people to raise me throughout my 15 or so years in depression. I found plenty of people to pick on what I was doing wrong but virtually no one to guide me through reforming myself in positive ways, on a mind/body/soul level. It did feel pretty soul destroying and hopeless, that's for sure. Finding people to help us make sense of life and our connection to it or disconnection from it can feel almost impossible at times.

What led me to become a mind/body/soul sort of gal was the recognition that we tick on 3 levels:

• Mentally, with the thought patterns that play out. Thinking so much, we also forget to rely on feelings pointing us in certain constructive directions
• Physically/biologically, we're like a big bag of chemistry and energy. I know, sounds a little unromantic when it comes to who we are. Chemistry and energy play a major factor in depression. Tweaking these things can often have an impact in a variety of ways
• Naturally, we tend to rise through the challenges when conscious in recognising what they are. Definitely tough, recognising a challenge and what it's all about at certain times. The major challenges tend to be mind altering and life changing. Often they're the seriously tough ones

May sound a bit dippy but feeling my way through life has come to be like having a compass. Whatever you feel is telling you something. Whatever you think can be a whole other story.

🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi BALM,

Hello to you. You mentioned you wish for more control in your life and structure. Last year was a heck of a year and I am for one am with you in these thoughts. Life feel confusing to me and out of control when I feel too much uncertainty.

Can you list ways you already have control and structure and ways you could add more effectively to life so you are more productive and having a sense of mastery over your life?

Sorry to hear about the running, the stress fracture and the moon boot. Can you Google exercises you can do at home to help build up your strength while waiting for the moon boot to come off or if funds are available, can you go to a gym?

This is a safe place to chat and openly express your self if that helps you as well. Sometimes our loved ones just don't know what to sat to us. It isn't because they don't care, they may just not know how to help.

Cheers to you from Dools

[BALM]

Many thanks for everyone's replies - some most helpful suggestions I'll look into but most of all just an understanding of the situation.

I actually chatted to my eldest son today (nearly 10) and shared with him gently about visiting a psychologist for my mental health - asked him to keep it confidential but that he can ask me or my wife about anything to do with it. I had noticed how many euphemistic phrases I had started using like "sometimes its hard" and decided he was old enough to begin to understand. I do also think that I have a huge amount of fear that much of my challenges come from errors on my parents and particularly Dad's part (largely negativity) and I don't want to pass 'harm' on - my eldest now can grow in understanding that my mood or behaviour isn't his or his siblings responsibility. It was refreshing and liberating.

[therising]

Hi BALM

That is incredible progress. You are definitely a fine example to your son, someone to look up to when it comes to exploring the multiple and necessary ways we may need to evolve throughout our challenges, sometimes with help from others.

Sounds like you may be changing the path for future generations, beyond you and your son. Parental conditioning can be a tough one to deal with and break through. If your dad was not one to recognise the importance of addressing emotions and speaking openly about them, for example, and the men before him in his family were the same, you are the pioneer, the first and that is something to be incredibly proud of. It is groundbreaking stuff.

'Who am I beyond my conditioning? Who am I beyond the limitations and false beliefs set for me, by others?' are 2 life changing questions. To begin discovering our natural self is a truly powerful form of exploration. 'I am not who I think I am/believe myself to be' can be a powerful statement in regard to perspective.

You are an incredible person stepping forward on an incredible path. My wish for you is that it is paved with many enlightening and liberating moments.

🙂