is it possible to have romance when suffering social phobias?

[gnull]

Hello I'm 28 now and spent most of my teenage years inside the house too anxious to go outside. I've never had a girlfriend or even been on a date if i bring it up with a psychologist they simply say don't worry about it for now. If not now then when? My friends tell me love isn't everything but i don't see any of them spending decades alone. I only recently made friends I have one close friend I talk to everyday and 2 other friends I talk to occasionally. It just feels like i'll be lonely forever.

[Pixie15]

Hi gnull,

This is the first of your posts that I have seen and I do not know if you have shared more of your story elsewhere.

Are there other issues that you are dealing with that your psychologist thinks are more important? It would seem to me that you should be able to get support for establishing more friendships including romantic relationships if that is what you really want. As you have recently started to make some friends you might already be on the same path.

I have not tried it myself but I know some young people who have tried online dating. Have you ever tried anything like this?

Grateful.

[gnull]

Yea I did try online dating for a while but it was hard talking to strangers and didn't get past 1 or 2 messages with people. I guess there were more important issues in the past but I feel if I'm not ready now I never will be.

[geoff]

dear Gnull, the title of your post is an interesting one, but I can't understand the logic behind what your psychologist has made, because at the age of 28 it surely must have been a worry for you for such a long time, so it's a major reason why you have been visiting them.

I know that you have posted another comment, but I'm sorry I can't remember, only because of the number of replies that have been made.

Perhaps it's not so much love you want at the moment but friendship which could lead onto having a loving relationship, so is this what you want.

Please get back to us and just quickly explain again, which I'm so sorry for, and hope that I haven't upset you by saying this. Geoff.

[gnull]

They probably said not to concentrate on it now because i was in hospital at the time. I dunno I think the psychs seem to ignore what i want.

[Beltane]

Hey gnull. In short, yes it is. I have general anxiety, severe panic, depression. I have an extremely supportive boyfriend who loves me dearly. 

A relationship will not fix you. You need to be emotionally capable to handle the ups and downs of a relationship, you need to be truly ready to GIVE as well as receive. There will be times when your partner needs help and support and you need to be strong enough to give it. Also you need to consider your current state and if you can really handle it right now. Dating is stressful and nervewracking and you have to be emotionally able to handle rejection- like if you like a person and want to be in a relationship with them but they say no. Or you date for awhile and break up. You need to be stable and well enough to take that kind of emotional hit. 

So I think your psychologist wants you to get to a stable headspace first. BUT having said that you should be able to make a romantic relationship a long term goal- so you can start specifically working on strategies now so that say in 6 months you can go on a date. 

 3 years ago I wanted a relationship but I wasn't ready. I really wanted one but I was very sick (nearly hospitalised too). I had no job, no stable life, and I had extreme severe depression and anxiety. I couldn't have handled the stress of a relationship or dating, and it would have been extremely unfair to expect someone to date me- I was just too sick. They would have had to care for my mental health and provide the care a psychologist needs to.

but when i got therapy I made goals- long term goals was stable job and a loving healthy relationship. So the therapist tailored my therapy and made me short and medium term goals to prepare me for the long term ones. Obviously short term was to get the anxiety and depression under control so I was well, medium was to learn coping strategies to deal with panic attacks on dates and cope with the emotional stress of dating and the stress of a relationship (yes they're wonderful  but even the best relationship has hard times), and then long term was finding the right person etc. 

so yes, there is hope. But you need to work on it one step at a time- first step is to get yourself mentally well and stable. Then you can talk with your therapist about learning all the skills necessary to maintain a relationship. 

Theres someone for you, you just need to get yourself well. (Been in a relationship 1 year now. Very happy) 

[gnull]

I need to get well first I'm told that a lot but I might never be well.

[Beltane]

you need to know the reality of depression/ anxiety. one some level you'll most likely always have it. some people to go into permanent remission/ recover completely and never experience it again.

many people have it on smoe level for the rest of their life. but there are different "levels". like i was once extremely severe- i rated extremely highly on all scales and tests for depression/ anxiety, i was diagnosed as "severe" and i was even suicidal at a point.
But within 12 months of treatment i was being scaled/ rated on all tests as "mild". I had a full-time job, i was dating quite happily and calmly, i had moved into my own rental place, i was stable on my meds.

now unfortunately its gone back to a "moderate" level after a few disasters in life, buts its still not 'severe"- i can still get up in the morning, my relationships is still perfectly stable and happy.

So yes, you may always have depression/ anxiety. but it wont always be "severe"- you'll work on it and it'll go to "moderate" and then to "mild". you can lie a perfectly happy normal life at a mild level- trust me, i have done so for years. you might occasionally go through periods where it goes back to "moderate/ severe" but you just go back to your therapy, you use your coping skills, you keep up with your mental health treatment, and sooner or later i'll go back to "mild" again