INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.. MAY I GET INSIGHTS PLEASE?

dudu87 · ‎14-01-2015

I have these intrusive thoughts, I didn't even know my problem had a name for it. But I read about "intrusive thoughts" and I can absolutely relate to it.

I have intrusive thoughts of becoming gay. I have nothing against gay people, I have many friends who are.. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.. I just get afraid I may become it, that's all.. It all started in one of my old jobs, a few years back when a lesbian took over as 2IC and then after a few weeks working with her on a morning driving to work (I remember as if it were yesterday) a thought popped up, it was related to what if I was gay?" and that's how it had started.. I even remember what intersection I was on when this all took place.. Light was red, and I was waiting to turn right onto the FWY..

Before this, I had never not once feared that I would turn gay. I was so happy with who I was, and what I had achieved (as I had anxiety before this job.. I had feared and convinced myself I was going blind.. but that's past now..)

I get paranoid that I may walk gay, talk gay, how I sound when I'm speaking to someone, try to act more manly even when I get a hair cut.... =/ I know, I'm VERY aware how silly this is..

I only get sexually aroused by woman. I see myself with woman. I see myself with a kid. It's what I always wanted since the age of 16.. I have no sexual fantasy on men at all..

I do however know when a man is good looking/handsome.. And this to be honest scares me, as I made myself believe that a straight man can not determine whether or not other men are good looking.. I get scared to speak to my psychologist about this as I fear he will straight out label me as gay, and I'm the type of person (with my anxiety) to believe stuff, and make me worse then I already am..

Deep down I know I'm straight, I just can't help but feel this uncertainty

So my questions are: Do straight men know when another man is attractive?
What exactly does in the "closet" mean? Are they afraid of what society will think, or are they afraid to be gay because they want to be straight? (I know this looks like a stupid question. And I'm sorry if I look to be ignorant, its just with this intrusive thoughts, these weird questions pop in, and remain unanswered..)

Again, please don't take me the wrong way, I help people as much as I can, I love gay people, I respect them, and they make awesome friends. It's just me and this fear, and I really want to get through this and get better..
Thank you all.

Thank you

White_Rose · ‎14-01-2015

Dear Dudu

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for telling us your story. When you feel anxious it must be quite hard to tell others your feelings, but this site is safe.

What you are experiencing is very common. I gather from your post that you are in your late teens, possibly early 20s? It can be time to question who and what you are in all sorts of areas not just your sexual orientation. Asking questions and satisfying yourself that you are comfortable in your own skin is important and normal. So relax and get on with your life.

I am female and heterosexual, I see that other women are attractive because I can recognise good looks and attractive people. In the same way I see that men are attractive. It's about being able to appreciate the vitality and variety of human life. People are attractive.

We are drawn to different folk for all sorts of reasons. Their physical appearance may catch your attention initially but further acquaintance happens because we find the personality attractive. So to answer your question, Do straight men know when another man is attractive?, the answer is yes. Men and women take other people, of the same or opposite gender, as role models. This is because the other person displays characteristics that are attractive, but not necessarily sexual.

We enjoy the company of other men and women because we enjoy the same sport or hobby, move in the same circles either socially or at work.

Being a closet homosexual usually means the person is disguising their sexual orientation for whatever reason, often because of social pressure. Sometimes it can be because the person has not yet worked out who they are. I know this is your concern and it is causing you a lot of anxiety, but as you really picture yourself with women in this regard it seems unlikely you will suddenly become gay.

So please feel free to admire anyone because that person is admirable and enjoy the company of those you feel comfortable with. You say you have gay friends. How do they make you feel when you are in their company? Do you feel nervous in any way? If not then relax. You have nothing to fear.

Kind regards

Mary

Neil_1 · ‎15-01-2015

Hi there dudu;

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for coming here and providing this post. A very interesting post at that.

I am not gay. Having said that I also back up your last sentence you made (or put in another way, as they did in Seinfeld): “I’m not gay, and not that there’s anything wrong with that”. And again, I have gay friends; it’s all good.

To answer one of your questions: Yes, I can look at anyone and label them as good looking. And yes, I have found myself thinking, wow, that dude is good looking; but that’s as far as that goes.

From what I think I understand, I believe the term of ‘in the closet’ is someone (male or female) who are gay, but have kept it under wraps to the general public; like perhaps family and friends. And so ‘coming out of the closet’, is where that person has decided to open up about their sexuality and to let everyone know. But me being a little naïve at times; I just wonder if those terms were used more in days gone by because I think nowadays the so-called stigma that was attached with being gay has lessened to a degree. And I think these kinds of things were related to people perhaps being uncomfortable about opening up – due to the massive amount of awful stuff that has been said in the past.

Again, these are just my thoughts and it’d be sure great to hear others opinions on this.

Kind regards

Neil

dudu87 · ‎15-01-2015

Neil, I thank you for the reply.
My problem is that, because of my anxiety, I feel if I know if a guy is good looking then automatically it makes me gay. I know this is nonsense thinking, but I have lead myself in believing a lot of things in the past 10 years, and even convincing myself.. I obsess a lot, I worried I was going blind, which began by having eye floaters, that lasted ages, no one could convince me otherwise, I went to many eye specialists.. I convinced my self I had cancer, again, no body could convince me otherwise, now this.. 😞 I'm tired of this anxiety. I want it gone. Thank you again Neil, you are a top bloke, going out of your way to do this, rather then all the trolling Ive been getting which makes my anxiety worse is such a good change. And a relief. Good day Neil. 🙂

dudu87 · ‎15-01-2015

Hi White Rose, Thank you for the time giving to reply to my comment.

As my reply to Neil earlier, my concern was mainly being afraid because I know when another man is good looking.. I always believed that we as heterosexual shouldn't be able to know. (I know that looks ridiculous, even as writing that, I see it looking rather stupid but it's my anxiety..) I am not much good with using the right words.. I just hope I dont offend anyone. =/ Again, anxiety.. You see, dealing with anxiety I tend to ask for reassurance and ask my friend if he finds men "good looking" he's always stubborn and says "no, Nathan, I don't. I'm straight, how could I know when another guy is good looking!?" I usually just leave it at that. Why doesn't he know the difference?

Thank you again. 🙂

justinok · ‎15-01-2015

Hi mate,

As a gay man I think I can answer some of your questions. The reason that some of your straight mates won't admit to being able to tell whether or not another man is attractive or not (in the non-sexual sense that White Rose is talking about) is homophobia. Some guys think to even admit to saying "he is good looking" or whatever that others will think they are gay, and in some circles that is still one of the worst things you can say about a man.

The interesting thing is, so much of it all is rooted in sexism. The stereotype of being gay is to be effeminate, so what is really underneath that homophobia is the idea that, the worst thing a man can do is to act like a woman.

In the closet means that you know that you are gay but you have not told anyone. There are many reasons why people can't be open about their sexuality, even in this day and age. Their family might disown them. They might be shunned at work, or passed over for promotion. They might fear being violently attacked.

If you only feel sexually attracted to women, then that sounds to me like you're heterosexual.

Just to complicate things further, most people - even straight men - are homosocial, meaning they're sexually and romantically attracted to women but spend most of their mates are men. I feel sorry for straight men sometimes because they're so afraid of being labelled gay that they will hold back from showing caring or affection (non sexual) for their mates, which can prevent you from having strong friendships.

dudu87 · ‎15-01-2015

I sure hope you see my reply. You are an awesome mate. You are the VERY reason why I have gay friends, and why they are such great people. I thank you for your understanding, and I really hope I didn't make you feel like I'm against gay people.. (I'm sorry, I have bad anxiety, I sometimes think people get the wrong idea about what Im trying to say..) Having it come from someone who is gay, really helps me. You've among everyone else who commented have helped me a great deal. Thank you. 😄 The way I see it is, you be who you want to be, and I'm proud of you man. I don't know why I'm so scared, its hard to explain, same reason why I can't explain why I get so paranoid how I write things, or why I convince myself I have so many problems. Most recent I thought I had testicle cancer 😐 I really hate anxiety man, lol. I try to make the most of it, and accept it the best I can, but I really hope I can get my mind at eaze.. I don't work, or anything, so I have too much time to think.

max_harp · ‎21-07-2017

Hi ,

so ive been suffering from anxiety now for 6 weeks came out of no where ! my sleep is terrible and libido is down hill , 3 weeks ago got told a story about a gay guy and ever since that story I have been paranoid and overthinking gays ! I am not gay I am in the relationship with a women for 5 years and have never questioned it also I am 24 years old.

everything seems to arrogate it even more even just walking past a guy or being around someone that I know is gay makes me freak out. I just don't understand why my mind wont get over it.

also I want to try mediaction to help me with it and the constant overthinking.

Babyboomer · ‎23-07-2017

Hey dudu87. I have experienced a variety of anxiety issues since I was a child. Up until I was in my early 50's I'd struggled through them mostly without any help. Fearfully and unknowingly, I was obsessing over thoughts I had, that seemingly, other people do have, but don't hang on to. Suffice to say I eventually got the help I needed. It's made a huge difference in my life. maybe it will help you too.

geoff · ‎23-07-2017

hi Max harp, intrusive thoughts are always scary and frightening and I'm sorry I some how missed Dudu's comment, but the best to try and understand OCD and having these thoughts is probably to google it, as there is an enormous section on BB mentioning many comments's by people who have them and this also includes myself.
Please come back at any time because there will still be questions that you want to know about, but can I say how deeply sorry I feel for you.
If you want to ask anymore queries before hand then please do so before you access this topic, but I know exactly what you are saying as I've had it for 57 years. Geoff.