Intrusive thoughts and Severe anxiety disorder.

[Gogitto]

Hi guys.

I’m writing today to talk about the kind of intrusive thoughts I’ve been having and scared that I feel this kind of way.

About 15 days ago, I had an intrusive thought about hurting a friend of mine which set off a panic attack. Now for a few weeks I actually was annoyed with this friend over a little bit of a conflict situation but I obsessed over the incident and stayed annoyed with this person because of it. I don’t want to stay obsessed over it as it is forgetten and everyone has moved on but when I got the intrusive thought, it was accomanyed by anger.

I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to feel annoyed or angry at this person anymore as its in the past but it feels like my subconscious won’t let it go and I’m scared its sending me crazy. Yesterday I had the same intrusive thought attack because mum spoke to this friend on the phone and it caused me to have a mild panic attack. I spoke to this friend on the phone to try and reassure myself I would’nt hurt her and wouldn’t get angry at her and I didn’t.

I’m just very very scared of this feeling as I’m a good person and I want to let go of this anger and fear as I do care for this person and I don’t want to hurt her or get mad with her.

Thanks for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Gogitto,

Thanks for reaching out to our community this afternoon. We understand it can be hard to post when you're feeling so low, so we are very grateful that you decided to reach out here. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so fearful and angry right now, we understand that this feeling must be really overwhelming. Is there something that has helped you with these intrusive thoughts in the past? Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If you feel up to it, we'd really recommend getting in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these thoughts and feelings with you, and offer support and advice to help you through this.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 
 

[therising]

Hi Gogitto

Definitely sounds like this challenge has been sitting with you for a long time. I imagine the conflict involved something highly significant to you. Others might have convinced you it was something small and not worth getting upset over but I'm wondering if you relate to it at a deeper level. Myself, I can become seriously triggered when someone says 'You're crazy' when it comes to some of the things I believe in, which go toward the very core of who I love being. I've come to realise that this feels like an attack on my identity, the self I fully identify with now, as opposed to the conformist people pleasing self I used to be. I felt like I was being told I was the wrong kind of person. I realise the challenge has been to accept that people do not wish to know this part of me or version of me. In truth, this is their loss. I won't sacrifice who I've become only to find myself in depression again.

I find that anger typically comes when we are being triggered to a different state of consciousness. The person who is leading us to anger is often leading us to question or challenge. Are we prepared to question our self or them? Are we prepared to challenge our self or them when it comes to belief or perception?

You mention not just anger but fear also. Do you fear they will be dismissive if you speak to them about something that means a lot to you? Do you fear how you will act if speaking to them triggers anger in you? If your objective is to vent yet do no harm, how do you think you could manage this? Is there someone who knows you well who would be able to help you manage your possible rise of emotion?

I know I ask a lot of questions. I find questioning is the only way in which to naturally find answers or solutions. You're definitely in the constructive process of questioning, looking for answers.

It can feel at times like we're going a little crazy, when we're in 2 minds about something. 'Do this. Don't do this. Ask questions. Stop asking questions'. It's like an internal battle that feels like it's going on forever. I find that the mind that searches for the most constructive answers is often the best mind to be in when we're looking to evolve beyond any challenge.

🙂

[Ginger11]

I have also been experiencing some horrible intrusive thoughts. I love my family and my boyfriend so so much and would never want to hurt them. So thinking about hurting them has been really scary. I’m worried that I’d lose control and hurt them even though I would never ever want to. I don’t know anyone in my area who deals with these obsessive thoughts and feel very alone. I’m scared that people will think I’m crazy. Hurting someone I love is one of the worst things I could ever think of yet here I am thinking about it.
I am more than willing to get help and want to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have an appointment with a psychologist this week which I had organised for severe anxiety before I knew what these thoughts were called. I would really like some advice on treatment options and what sort of people are out there to help me. Thank you 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ginger11,

It's good to see you showing Gogitto that they are not alone in experiencing this. We're so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this at the moment, we understand that these thoughts might be quite distressing. It's great that you've been so proactive in seeking help - well done! Your psychologist will be able to give you the best advice around treatment and support available that is most suitable to your situation.

If you are feeling quite distressed by these thoughts and need to talk to someone tonight or before your appointment, please know that there is help available to you. There are several 24/7 helplines and webchat services where you can speak to a counsellor.

• Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people aged up to 25 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 
• Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am Sydney time)

Please know that this is a safe space to talk about these thoughts and our community is not judgemental. If you would like to talk more about how you're feeling, please feel free to start your own personal thread to seek community support.  

[therising]

Hi Ginger 11

Glad you've got an appointment coming up and glad that Sophie has been able to give you the great guidance she has.

Not sure if this will be of any help but I'll put it out there anyway:

About 15 years ago, when I came out of a long battle with depression, my brain went through a kinda 'rewiring' process I suppose you could say, for about 6 weeks or so. While everything started off as rainbows and sunshine (happiness and joy), things began to take a more quirky turn. I began wondering way too much, about the meaning behind a lot of things, about the meaning of life, about the intentions of others (oppressive kind of folk) and a host of other things. With greater clarity, I look back and realise I was so stuck in wondering, which is connected to imagination. I imagined the possibility of many things, good and not so good. Felt like I was going crazy.

There are parts of our brain (such as the part that deals with imagination) which dictate 'Just about anything is possible' and parts of our brain that deal with logic, which ground us in reasoning (all the reasons not to test out our imagination). From my experience, when things are out of balance and we're not grounded enough, we can seriously begin to wonder about things we wish we weren't wondering about.

If we're someone with a vivid imagination, there definitely has to be some grounding skills. While imagination is looked at as simply being the playful realm of the imaginative person, it is not always as simple as that. It can be a dark place at times. If you're stuck in imagination and that part of the brain is currently highly active, imagine all the constructive (not destructive) things that can ground you. 'I imagine myself seeing a psyche, in order to balance things. I imagine this as a stage of life which I see being rectified. I see myself coming to understand how my brain ticks in unique ways. I imagine wearing an outfit which I absolutely love that others openly disapprove of. I see myself wearing it, as a rebel who poo poos the closed minded opinions of others'. Imagination is definitely a powerful thing. I've come to realise it's like a super power in a way. It's super natural for us to live the best version of our self through imagining our way to being that person. It's self doubt and seeking the approval of others that can often get in the way of us becoming our best self.

Definitely scary when our imagination gets the better of us and we just don't know how to manage it.

🙂

[therising]

Just wanted to add - when I speak of imagination, it really isn't a straight forward simplistic thing. It can have 2 very powerful sides to it. Just wanted to make it clear that I'm simply not dismissing the challenge you face as simply 'being in your imagination'.

Two very extreme examples of how imagination can lead things to go incredibly right and so incredibly wrong:

• Martin Luther King Jr. imagined a world where all people were created equal, where degradation, humiliation and moral injustice became a thing of the past for people. He let his spirited imagination, his passionate vision of how things could be, motivate him into taking the actions he did and inspiring those who were oppressed. Life changed dramatically, in positive ways, for many because he imagined the difference
• Adolf Hitler imagined a world where he would lead all people to conform to his way of thinking. He was powered by his ego and his imagination. In his mind, he envisaged all the people who would need to be eradicated in order for his imagined world to come to life. So much sufferance, so much torture, so much humiliation and degradation. He imagined an army to bring this to fruition and therefor worked toward creating one which would support his idea that all were not created equal

Two very different uses of imagination, yet both incredibly powerful and life changing for many in the way visions were carried out, into action. Imagination is not such a simple thing.

🙂

[Gogitto]

Hi ginger11.

I’m so sorry to hear that you are also experiencing these intrusive thoughts. My anxiety isn’t as severe as it was when I wrote this post as when I saw this friend 2 weeks ago, i proved my intrusive thoughts wrong as I like to describe it as I had a good time chatting with her. That did give me some great relief. Unfortunately I’ve still been suffering from intrusive thoughts since then as my anxiety disorder has flared up again because of this episode so everyday I’m anxious towards anything and afraid. The intrusive thoughts I suffer from most are suicidal thoughts and they make me very distressed and even angry as I’m very against suicide as part of my beliefs as I love life and am actually have a severe fear of death more than usual. I had a session with a new councillor 2 weeks ago and decided that trying to treat my symptoms isn’t getting me anywhere because I realised after 6 years of mental health problems that I’ll never be free of my anxiety and depression disorders if i don’t treat the cause. Its just like the flu for example, you can use medication to lessen the effects of the symptoms but until that flu which is the cause of the symptoms disappear, the symptoms won’t disappear either. I hope all goes well for you and I’m thankful to you for making me not feel alone with intrusive thoughts as i know the fear of thinking you’ll go crazy, insane etc and act on these thoughts but one thing one of my old councillors made me realise is. If you feel scared and severe anxiety and panic towards these thoughts, then it means you aren’t capable of acting on these thoughts at all. Thanks for writing on this and sorry if I’ve rambled on a bit much.

Kind regards

Gogitto 🙂