Introducing myself...

[TheTimeOfMyNeed]

Hi all. Just thought I'd introduce myself around here.

Mine is mostly a tale of depression and anxiety, primarily social anxiety. It began around age 14, though I had no understanding of it then. I only realise it looking back now. Academically I was quite ok through school up til year 10, though, quite privately, I was emotionally a mess, and I always found socialising inexplicably difficult while everyone else seemed to get along fine. What I can remember most about my teens are distinct feelings of complete emptiness and meaninglessness, sadness, loneliness, and little desire to get out bed. This really took a toll in the HSC years. Given that I was struggling to find a decent answer to any sense of meaning in my very existence, I was not able to find any meaning in applying myself in study. So my results were poor.

Thankfully I scraped into uni nevertheless, presumably because there was so little interest in the maths degree that I applied for. That gave me something to do, and I managed to push through to end up with degrees in maths and computer science. Personally, however, my issues only deepened. Without the imposed sociality of the school playground, I withdrew even further, with my social anxiety, and depression, ever deepening. Through those years I was essentially a loner. The freak who sat at the back of the lecture theatre and never said a word to anyone.

It was only at around the end of this period of study that I began to learn more about depression and anxiety disorders, and so I can now look back with a greater understanding of what was occurring than what I had at the time. I had just kept trying to push through it, as everything I was experiencing was normality to me, I knew no different. I had begun to see a psychiatrist/counsellor (which took me a little over a year to find the courage to do so), who eventually put me on an anti-depressant after counselling type therapy proved ineffective. I ended up deciding that I needed time off to recover and try to get well, even though I had just received a scholarship to begin a masters degree. The feelings of mental strain that I was experiencing were so intense it was beginning to feel like a physical sensation in my brain, beyond even an all-consuming emotion. It felt like it was killing me, so I just stopped everything. I could no longer keep going on like this. But I had finally come to see the truth about myself. I was in a deep depression with severe anxiety.

A few years down the track and I'm just about to turn 30. I'm essentially unemployed and still living at home. Thankfully the combination of medication and rest over the last 5 years or so has resulted ultimately in a significant reduction of symptoms, though it has certainly taken some time. I've also more recently invested much time in reading several helpful books, and applying the lessons learnt, which has also been helpful. I am now at a stage where I would like to get back into life, as it were, which I have been doing a little of late, but progress is slow. I still find that I seem to have mental blockages when it comes to exposing myself to new social situations that make it difficult still. Particularly, I think I would be better able to progress if I could speak more so about my struggles. Thankfully I have 1 good friend that I am able to share with, but there are others I would also like to tell. Yet I am finding it impenetrably difficult. That is mainly why I decided to share here. Things can only be overcome one step at a time, and perhaps sharing with the relative anonymity of this forum may make it easier to share face to face.

If anyone has any advice to share for someone in my situation, that would certainly be appreciated. I am considering volunteer work as a start, but am finding it difficult to begin. It's easy to think about intellectually, but the prospect of actually doing it only causes fear. It might help if I could do it with one of the few people I know, but for that to happen I really need to tell the people I know.

And, finally, please be kind...

[Neil_1]

Hi there thetimeofmyneed  

Welcome to Beyond Blue and this is such a positive step that you’ve taken and might I say, I really lovely post, which unfortunately depicts your many struggles that you’ve been dealing with … and for the most part, dealing with on your own.  I hope you’ll find your Beyond Blue experience a positive and helpful one.  There’s so many people here (the majority are still sufferers – while some are just coming out of their dark tunnel, while others are out – still very wary, but they are out) and the people who post here can provide advice, guidance and above all else, support.  No-one is ever judged on this site – it’s the most brilliant site I’ve ever known.  

Can I first say, “good on you” for achieving what you have at Uni … receiving a scholarship to begin a Masters Degree … that’s not just handed out to anyone.  I hope you are very proud of that achievement.  

You’ve also been doing a number of great positive steps to help yourself which is another big positive tick for you.  

That is such great news to hear that you’ve got a good friend who you’ve been able to share things with.  I’ve got someone like that and it’s really great.  Cause they know you, they know of your illness, and so if you’re feeling ultra crap you can let them know, without having to write or say a preamble first.  Having someone like that is excellent.  You say you want to tell others as well.  That is totally up to you – I guess it boils down to how much you trust these others and by doing this will it be beneficial to you.  That’s the key here … we have to do things that provide benefit and positiveness with our quest to move forward.  And this move forward is always by little steps.  No going out there with the thought of racing ahead with massive strides … that’s where you can come a cropper and fall – and we don’t want that.

 While I’m writing this I’m thinking I’ve gotta do somethin’ about your name … cause in my posts I always like referring to the person by using their name … so at this time, thetimeofmyneed, I’m going to see how it looks abbreviated: ttomn – hey, that’s not too bad – Ttomn. 🙂

Mental blockages suck big time – they’re not a fun thing to have;  my way for dealing with this is to type (or write) things down … you know, if say you’re having a meeting, or an appointment, I always take a piece of paper with me with dot points on it.  It’s kinda like a security blanket in a paper format – cause if I get stuck or whatever, to save then me stressing out massively, I’ve got my paper with me and can refer to that.

You say you’re essentially unemployed … does that mean you do some casual work occasionally?  You’re still on your medications, which is good.  Self-help books another big tick in your favour.

Ttomn, you’ve mentioned the option of volunteering … that is a wonderful thing to do.  Have you researched yet where you think you might like to do some volunteering – and I fully get you when you say that it’s far easier to think about than to actually put that thought into action.  But you know if you’re able to do that, not only is it a brilliant, kind and compassionate thing to do on your behalf, it also is a feel good mechanism for you as well by knowing that you’re out there and putting back to others in such a positive and caring way. 

One last thing about volunteering is that it is looked upon very highly by future employers.

I’m going to sign off for now, but I so hope that you felt a positiveness Ttomn for you to initially come on here and send your post to us … again that’s something I do a lot … write down my thoughts (actually I type them down, but you know what I mean) and I feel it kind of a therapeutic mechanism for me. 

I hope you felt the same way, when you posted here, that it was like a little load lifted off you.  And in saying that, if you feel able to come back again and post again, we’ll be here and ready to read.

Kind regards

Neil

[TheTimeOfMyNeed]

Hi Neil.

Thanks for your supportive words. The name, obviously, was a bit of a construction to remain anonymous. I appreciate the sentiment to be more personal by using a name, but I'd rather stay anon at the moment. Ttomn will do fine 🙂

The issue for me with telling other people is that it's just stressful feeling like you're carrying around this big secret all the time. I certainly don't plan on telling everyone, but there are a few people who I think would be trustworthy, and it would at least be freeing if it was out there, rather than trying to cover it up. If they are able to be supportive beyond that, than that's just even better.

The work situation is that I occasionally pick up freelancing, mostly web development related jobs through that same friend who knows my situation. But that's infrequent. Due to my social anxiety, I haven't been able to put myself out there and look for that kind of work more proactively.

I haven't given much thought to what type of volunteering to do. I was going to wait until taking that step felt more realistic before deciding, but perhaps thinking about it more might provide some focus that would help me to feel more comfortable about it. I'm quite open to ideas, at any rate. Just anything to get out of the house and amongst some people, but not too heavy on the socialising.

Yes, it certainly does help to express thoughts in writing. I look forward to more online therapy...

[Neil_1]

Hi Ttomn

That's the beauty about this site ... it is anonymous.  For the most part we don't know where other people are ... but occasionally someone will feel comfortable enough to say their location, but that's it.  And that's the way it should be.  That's what makes it so good, that people can come here and not feel pressured in any way.  And the anonymity (and that's an awful attempt at spelling that - I'm usually better at spelling and they don't have a spell checker here, so we'll just have to live with that) of posting here is great.  So yeah, I wasn't after anymore from you, than to simply say I'm going to abbreviated your user name.  🙂   Boy I rabbit on hey!  It's almost like I live alone and have no one to talk too.

Did you know that during High School I studied and came top of my close in Digressive Mannerisms.  I excelled at that.  But I digress.

Comfort is the key here ... and as long as you feel comfortable in telling your friends, then go for it.  And the more that they can be there for you, to back you up and support you, wow, absolutely go for it 100% - you are the key factor here, so anything that can be done to assist you, then that's all positive stuff.

I don't really have suggestions for volunteering as such;  but how about googling volunteer work in your local area?  You might find a few that you could then do some research on and check out.  And am totally with you on the 'not into the socialising' side of things;   and I would think that with volunteering, the people that you would meet would be seriously genuine, kind, compassionate people.  That would be a great area to ease yourself into.

And that's me done for the moment, but will look forward to hearing back from you again,

Cheers

Neil

[Katy100]

Ttomn, hi and welcome.  

You can google "volunteers Australia" or "volunteers + your state or territory".  

You can also google for paid jobs in the web development field ... there are lots out there.

And, I think you will find that lots of charity organisations would ABSOLUTELY LOVE some voluntary assistance ... 

Neil, if you install Google Chrome, it comes with a spell checker 🙂